Testament to Grace

Trip Report: Colorado Springs

2012-01-30T21:37:00.000-05:00

On May 13, 2010, NoVA Travelers dashed off to Colorado Springs for an active weekend of outdoor activities. We flew into Denver and rented a car for the jaunt to Colorado Springs where we bunked down for the night.
In the daylight of morning, the city revealed its beauty. Pike’s Peak overshadows the entire city and provides a scenic backdrop for the everyday goings-on of its residents.

Views of Pike’s Peak as seen from Colorado Springs

We treated ourselves to breakfast at Crepe Francaise downtown. Great little gem nestled among an otherwise run down avenue. Everyone had a little free time to explore on their own before we headed out as a group to Garden of the Gods for hiking. The land was donated to the public in 1909 by the family a local landowner and exhibits several unique geological structures. We took several pictures and tackled a few trails (such as the Siamese Twins) before the rain began to come down and forced an early exit from the park.

Panoramic vista of Garden of the Gods

Trail to the Siamese Twins

Jenni stands between the famous Siamese Twins

Garden of the Gods scenic loop road

Dinner that evening was at House of Saigon - small hole in the wall Vietnamese joint that came highly recommended from Tripadvisor.com. The place looked pretty dingy when we arrived and service was subpar but the food was phenomenal. I ordered the Pho and was not disappointed. If you drop into Colorado Springs I definitely recommend you carve out time for a meal at House of Saigon.
Saturday we spent the morning on Pike’s Peak mountain – climbing up it in a scenic railcar of the Pike's Peak Cog Railroad. Because of the wind and snow conditions the railroad had to stop short of the mountaintop station, falling back to an ‘almost there’ point instead. Regardless the ride was beautiful and Colorado has now become the state that first comes to mind when I think of where to find snow at the wrong time of the year (as we saw snow on our August trip to Denver last year as well). Disembarking from the return we officially graduated as the most recent class to ride the highest cog railroad in the world! (We’ve previously ridden the first cog railroad ever built in the world @Mount Washington in New Hampshire).

View of another snowy mountain top as we climb Pike’s Peak

The snowplow train up above us clearing the tracks for us

Spectacular view of nearby mountaintops breaking out above the clouds (which you can see behind them)

Railroad car

Houses in Manitou Springs are a bit..uh…original..in their decor

After a lunch at a pizza place in downtown Manitou Springs (the little tourist trap town where you pick up the railroad) we returned to Colorado Springs to tour the Olympic Training center. (By the way it was tasty thin crust pizza at a small Marilyn Monroe themed cafe and if you can track it down you should visit).
The center has several educational exhibits and includes a tour of the grounds. Here’s the kicker: they won’t take American Express in their gift shop as a marketing matter of principle. What? That’s crazy! Here I was, arms loaded up ready to buy gifts and they turned me and my AMEX away. The sales clerk lowered her voice and said she could slyly and quietly take mastercard but never could she sneak past an AMEX card. Whatever crazy lady, whatever. This especially irritated me b/c I ran into the same deliberate marketing monopoly ploy at the Kentucky Derby and since I don’t have a visa card I’m out of luck. Conclusion: Visa corp is evil. If you want their sponsorship you must play by their rules and cut out AMEX from your organization as if it were a dirty cancer.

Images from the Training Center

We enjoyed dinner that evening at The Warehouse Restaurant (again in downtown Colorado Springs). Just like it sounds, it’s housed in a previously industrial space. They’ve got some excellent game meat entrees on their menu which always draws my attention and our group had fun sharing our meals and sampling from each other’s plates.
Our final day in the area (Sunday) was spent at the Royal Gorge. A couple of hours outside of Colorado Springs, the property boasts the tallest suspension bridge in America, the steepest funicular, and the longest cable car ride. Fantastic. We walked over the bridge (the views are amazing) and toured the animal zoo on the other side (we saw a man riding a longhorn cow!) before returning on the cable car. Then we went down the funicular to the riverside and watched a train and white water rafters cross by as the scenic helicopter tours progressed overhead. All in all a fun day.

Entranceway

View of the cable car crossing the gorge

Man on a longhorn..you don’t see this everyday

Suspension bridge over the gorge with the mountains beyond

We were treated to a home cooked dinner at the home of my husband’s brother and family (they live in Colorado Springs and we were happy to have the afternoon to spend some time with them) before we had to leave for the airport. Their house is nestled on one of the many hillsides and the wild deer walk right into their yard in broad daylight and lie down. No fear of people whatsoever. I’m an animal lover so that was a special treat for me to count at least seven in various stages of grazing, sleeping, and walking round the neighborhood. There were also bunnies everywhere.

Backyard bunny

We’d love to take the group back to Colorado Spring during the peak of summer to visit Seven Falls and other scenic outdoor hiking areas. You can keep an eye on our group calendar to see when the next Colorado Springs trip is scheduled.

Announcement: Technical Difficulties

2012-01-30T20:30:00.001-05:00

Because I had to migrate the google user account associated with my blog, all pictures uploaded under the old user account were erased from google servers during the migration. To correct the corrupted entries, I have to repost (a quick one button sort of job) all my posts to the server. While I am republishing them with the original date so that they stay in sequence on the server and on the blog view, it *may* force a copy of each repost to be sent to the subscribers - I’m really not sure. So this is a public service announcement within which I advise that copious amounts of picture laden emails may be en route to your mailbox if you are a blog subscriber and within which I beg for your patience and understanding (feel free to delete instantly without reading, unless you’d like a good reread or missed an entry the first go-around).

Do These Kind of Things Happen to Other People Too?

2012-01-08T14:45:00.001-05:00

Here is your entertaining story for the weekend. Hubby and I LOVE Village Inn pies, having been introduced to them while living in Las Cruces. My craving for the caramel pecan silk supreme pie has escalated after returning from a visit to NM (where I saw VI as we passed by but did not have time to stop). According to google there is a Village Inn in Annapolis (76 miles away). VI pie is ALWAYS worth it, so this morning I convinced husband and friends to piled into a car and make the trip just for pie.

Turns out the VI we drove to is a seedy bedbug infested hotel in no way affiliated with the famous pie making Village Inn.

Reality: there are no Village Inn restaurants within 150 miles of us, according to the villageinn.com website.

We laughed. We laughed a lot. And inside I cried just a little bit, feeling sorry about being deprived pie after working myself into an excited anticipatory frenzy over it.

Oh I'd do anything for a slice of caramel pecan silk supreme pie.....

My Tamale Recipe

2012-01-05T21:46:00.001-05:00

This is an adaptation of a Bobby Flay recipe that I integrated with the recipe from the side of my masa mix bag. Makes perfect, moist, delicious tamales every time. Foulproof! Recipe doubles easily to make 32 tamales. Make extra and freeze the leftovers- you’ll be glad you did.

Recipe:

2 cups instant masa

2 cups chicken broth

1 t baking powder

½ t salt

2/3 cup Crisco

2 T butter

1 medium onion

1 cup corn kernels

1.5 t sugar

Salt and pepper

36 corn husks

5 or 6 Hatch green chiles, finely diced

1/2 bag shredded Mexican cheese

2 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded or finely chopped

Clean and soak the corn husks in hot water for at least an hour before you begin the tamales.

Puree the corn, onion, and broth together in blender. Transfer to mixing bowl and cut in butter and shortening. Using your fingers mix in the masa, sugar, and salt and pepper to taste. Mix until there are no more visible lumps of shortening and dough comes together- DO NOT OVERMIX.

Remove the corn husks from water, 2 at a time to wrap tamales. Overlap the widest part of the husks and put a spoonful of tamale mix on the husks. Put about a teaspoon of chicken+chile+cheese total (1/3 teaspoon each) on top and then put a little more tamale mix on top to cover. Wrap/twist husks around filling as if you were gift wrapping a Pringles can and then use thin strips torn from a spare husk to tie little knots around the ends of the wrapped tamales. Should look like this:

Stack tamales in a steamer basket over boiling water and steam until tamales are cooked through- usually 2+ hours. You will need to add more water to the pot periodically. Make sure the pot doesn’t boil dry and burn your house down!

Best Chicken and Dumplings Ever

2012-01-02T19:47:00.001-05:00

Jonathan and I made chicken and dumplings tonight. As I grew up in New York, we make the dumplings in the northern U.S. style (round and biscuit-y) in contrast with southern U.S. style (flat and noodle-y). It was undoubtedly the best rendition of the dish we’ve ever constructed.

We started with an epicurious.com recipe as our guideline but modified it significantly. Our perfected version is below. A great winter comfort dish…

Chicken and Dumplings

For the soup/stew

2 T olive oil
1 T butter
2 pounds chicken, cut into pieces
1/4 cup flour, seasoned with salt and pepper to taste
1 medium yellow onion, peeled and cut into large chunks
3 carrots, peeled and cut into large chunks
2 stalks celery, cut into large chunks
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 cup white wine
1 bay leaf
1 T poultry seasoning
1/4 teaspoon turmeric
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
4 cups low-sodium chicken broth
Fresh parsley

For the dumplings

2 cups flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
4 T Crisco
1 t sage
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup buttermilk

1. In a wide, heavy pot with a tight-fitting lid, heat the olive oil.

2. Dredge the chicken pieces in the seasoned flour, then brown them in the oil over medium heat, about 2 minutes a side. Remove and set aside.

3. Add the onion to the pot and cook for 2 minutes.

4. Add the carrots, celery, bay leaf, poultry seasoning, turmeric, salt, and pepper and cook for 8 minutes more. Use the white wine to deglaze the pan each time the vegetables start to stick. Add the garlic, butter, and flour and cook for 1-2 more minutes.

5. Stir in the broth. When the pot begins to simmer, turn down the heat to medium, and TASTE the soup/stew. Make a note of the strength of the flavor.

6. Return the chicken to the pot, cover, and simmer for 15 minutes. Add water as needed (1-3 cups) to keep the amount of liquid and flavor the strength it was before you added the chicken back to the pot –this prevents the soup/stew from getting too salty in concentration.

7. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, mix together the dry ingredients. Cut in the shortening until crumbly, stir in the buttermilk taking care not to over mix. Allow to stand 5-10 minutes.

8. Drop dough by rounded tablespoons into the simmering chicken. Bring back to a soft simmer, cook 10 minutes with the cover off, 10 minutes with the cover on.

10. To serve, scoop the dumplings into bowls, then cover with stew. Garnish with fresh parsley if desired.

Thank God for Texas: Lamesa

2011-12-30T23:07:00.001-05:00

A special shout out tonight to the good people of Lamesa, TX. I made chicken fried steak for the first time ever tonight and I did it using Ree’s Drummond’s recipe. She is better know as the Pioneer Woman and if you’re not familiar with her blog including her beautiful love story detailing her courtship and marriage to a rancher (High Heels to Tractor Wheels) and her recipes and photography you are missing out. Anyway, the meal was fantastic and so I set about researching the origins of chicken fried steak. Turns out it was created by none other than the early residents of Lamesa who had immigrated from Germany/Austria (Weiner schnitzel anyone?) and adapted their recipes to the abundant supply of beef in Texas.

I am especially enamored with this history because one of my very special friends and blog reader hails from Lamesa (shout out to Sunny!).

You can read all about the history of CFS yourself on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken_fried_steak

Winding down 2011

2011-12-30T14:46:00.001-05:00

Today is the next to last day in December. The month has just flown by. I wrote about our trip to Turkey in my last entry (by the way the kabob restaurant we visited the last night with the gracious hospitality is called Cigeristan) but I actually took two additional weekend trips to Europe after we returned from Turkey and a weekend trip to NM as well.

The first weekend in December I flew to Krakow for a “mile run” to log more Delta miles for the year in order to re-qualify for Diamond status. Jonathan has already crossed the status threshold so he opted to stay home. I flew via NYC, Montreal, Paris and Warsaw for maximum miles and via Warsaw, Paris, Amsterdam and Detroit on the return for even more miles. If there was a way to squeeze out any additional miles on one trip to Poland I’m really not aware of it. A bit exhausting to be honest but a lot of fun. As a bonus, I met a group of older travelers (55 years+) from Italy on the flight from Warsaw to Krakow and we hit it off very well. They gave me a free ride into downtown Krakow and invited me to dinner. Their tour leader was excited that I spoke a teensy bit of Italian and was very demonstrative in his appreciation with cheek kisses and asked his friends to take several pictures of him and I. Once in the city, I spent a lot of time walking around old town Krakow by myself, feeling the icy wind on my face and thinking about everything I’ve been through this year. The Christmas markets were open and I did a bit of shopping and sampled Polish cuisine. I also went to a Polish mass in a beautiful old cathedral.

I carved out one morning to visit the Auschwitz concentration camps. It was emotionally overwhelming to walk through the camps and stand face to face with the history of horrors that took place within them. I didn’t understand how everyone else on the tour seemed to hold it together when I could not stop crying. One room is filled with human hair that was cut from the victims and found in a warehouse when the Allies freed the camps. Another room is filled with shoes- thousands and thousands of pairs- each representing the person they belonged to who was forced into the camps. Walking alongside the long railroad tracks that lead into Auschwitz Birkenau was the most somber experience of the day. I wish I could take you there with my words, to that feeling that welled up inside of me when I was there. To stand on the very same sorting platform where others stood while uniformed men decided if they were to live or die that day. To look down at the far end of the tracks where the gas chambers stood and then to walk the dusty path toward the chambers as thousands had walked toward them before. It was agonizing to be there but I thought it important to go and honor those whose agonies in their victimization put mine in pale comparison.

The next day I had a more lighthearted tour of the salt mine outside Krakow. It was my first visit to a salt mine and it was really neat. The guide took us down into the mine via an old metal elevator and then walked us through a large part of the mine over an hour or so. The miners built beautiful chapels underground and they are really peaceful and ornate. We were encourage to lick the walls- any wall, anytime during the tour – and so of course I did. Very salty. Germs are not an issue because the salt mine is a sterile environment (salt prevents bacteria from flourishing). In fact part of the mine is designated as a recovery spa for victims of respiratory diseases and ailments. The air is fresh and clean smelling; it’s very nice.

The second weekend in December I did another mile run to Poland by myself. This time I was to have one day in Warsaw and one day in Amsterdam before flying home. I think the stress over my sister’s death, the heavy workload at my job and the physical exhaustion from traveling for so many consecutive weeks (I didn’t blog about it but I went to LA in August with my best friend and then Jon and I went to Italy, Seattle and New Mexico in September followed by a trip to Hawaii in October and San Francisco in early November) caught up to me. When I landed in Warsaw I just wanted to shut the world out and rest. So I checked into the hotel and took a short nap. I woke up in the late evening having missed the whole day of potential sightseeing. I’m ok with that though- sometimes the body just needs to stop and rest. I hadn’t really taken a Sabbath in a long time. The next day I was much more energetic and walked around downtown Amsterdam a great deal. I visited the Anne Frank hiding house. I had just read her diary in preparation for the trip and between the diary reading and the previous week’s visit to Auschwitz (where she was taken) it really afforded a clear perspective on her situation and how everything unfolded. I was haunted by the vision of her stepping off that train and walking through the same pathways I had walked the week before.

Over the Christmas holiday weekend Jonathan and I flew to New Mexico to visit with family and friends. Spending time with people who love us was medicine for the soul and it really helped to lift me out of this persistent grief more than anything else has in months. I have friends strewn all across the country and here and there around the world, but there is a core group of people in Las Cruces who were formative in my Christian walk and seeing them is always a joy.

As 2011 winds down I am finding the optimist inside of me peeking out again. She came through the year battered and bruised (and for awhile I thought she was lost to grief forever) but it looks like she is going to face the new year ready for adventure. Meanwhile the rude, short tempered, flip-out-over-totally-inconsequential-annoyances (like a restaurant running out of my favorite salad dressing) girl that rose up out of the stress and trauma is fading. I did a little cheerleading kick inside my head when I realized after something didn’t go my way last week that I hadn’t cried, screamed or otherwise freaked out as a first response. Progress! My pastor suggested that once I’ve reached a place where the grief is further behind me I might be in a place to help others who are grieving in the church in a way that “the innocents” (that’s my new nickname for people who haven’t felt the sting of death yet) cannot. I will pray about it and see where God leads me as far as that’s concerned.

GOODBYE 2011.

2011 Travel Milestones

According to flightmemory.com I spent 248 hours in the air this year between 30 different airports on 72 different flights on 6 different airlines. I visited 10 different countries (Canada, Netherlands, Poland, France, Thailand, Iceland, Japan, Turkey, Laos and Italy) and flew the equivalent of five times around the earth. I also visited the continent of Asia for the first time ever this year (and went there three separate times).

2011 Events of Note

Earthquakes I experienced:3 (Chaing Mai, Thailand, Tokyo,Japan, Washington, DC)

Family Deaths: 3 (Daddy, Jenna, Suzie)

35th Birthday

15th Wedding Anniversary

One year with CSC

Trip Report: Turkey

2011-12-30T01:12:00.001-05:00

Each Thanksgiving, Jonathan and I like to travel somewhere new over the holiday. Turkey seemed like a logical place to visit as of course everyone associates Turkey and Thanksgiving. Brilliant! We gathered up a few friends from the Beautiful Life meetup group and made our way to Istanbul to get things rolling.

Our first day of the trip was consumed with just getting to Turkey (via Paris on Air France for maximum miles of course) so we had time only for dinner before we called it a day. I chose Mezze based on its stellar reputation on Trip Advisor and the restaurant did not disappoint. Lovely little small plates was the name of the game for everyone and the lamb was tender and juicy. The establishment has a featured dessert that is unique: Ballý Bademli Cevizli Kaymaklý Muz (Geleneksel veya Acýlý) . Oh sorry, did you want that in English? Bananas Topped with Honey, Almonds, Pistachios and Clotted Cream with Chili Sauce. Read that again out loud and think about it. Cream. Hot Chili. Honey. Bananas. MMMMMM. If you were thinking that sounds fabulous, you were right!

My second day in Turkey started off on a note of terror - not the criminal mastermind variety but the good old fashioned zombie movie style terror. Our hotel was just down the street from the famous Blue Mosque and near 5:30am a slow and terrifying series of moans began to drift into our bedroom. The same sort of moans that emanate from the undead in horror flicks as they shuffle toward you. Creepy and like nothing else I’ve ever heard- this was my thought upon first exposure. (Did you think this was a politically correct blog? Yeah, its not. I report things as I experience them, even if it makes me look naïve or reveals some ignorance about other cultural practices. But that’s the beauty of travel- your veil of ignorance is lifted as you come into contact with different people and cultures.)

After a leisurely breakfast at the hotel I led our little group on a tour of the old town in Istanbul which is on the southern European side of the city. We visited the Blue Mosque (named for the Turkish tile within), the Aya Sofya, and the Basilica Cistern. Of these three, the Aya Sofya is the oldest. It was dedicated in the 4th century as a Christian Basilica under Byzantine rule. For more than eleven hundred years it stood in magnificent glory testifying to the triune nature of God until Constantinople was conquered in the 15th century by the Turks and the church rededicated as a Mosque to Allah. I know that God does not live in a building (he lives within our hearts), but the Aya Sofya feels cold and spiritually empty and I could not get ahold of the peace and presence of God while standing within it.

Aya Sofya – If you look close you can make out the Madonna and Child above what used to be the Christian altar

The Basilica Cistern is an amazing sight to behold. It was built in the 6th century as an underground labyrinth adorned with columns and filled with water for the city’s ordinary use. It was later abandoned and then “rediscovered” by historians and now it has been drained of all but an ankle-deep level of water and opened for tours. Previously visitors had to move through the cistern in boats, but tourism revenues allowed for the building of a raised platform within the cistern for more orderly touring.

Basilica Cistern

I think the Blue Mosque is a beautiful space but the interior architecture is very different from western churches. It’s an open floor plan - very light and airy. There is a separate section in the rear of the mosque for women to pray when men are present.

Blue Mosque (no pictures allowed inside)

We had a nondescript lunch at a nondescript restaurant near our hotel before heading off to the Grand Bazaar for some afternoon shopping. The Bazaar is billed as an amazing indoor shopping experience (and one of the oldest) but in practice it’s a lot like wandering the path between overpriced tourist booths in Mexico. After awhile bargaining gets exhausting but the booths seemingly go on forever into the distance. Power nap needed straightaway!

A bit of rest back at the hotel and we were off to Taksim Square and the Istiklal Caddesi for some sightseeing on our way to dinner. Istiklal Caddesi is a long, meandering, pedestrian way in the northern European section of Istanbul. Flanked by high end department stores and boutiques it’s the Champs Elysees of the city sans traffic. We enjoyed dinner at Antiochia where we ordered small plates again to share. The restaurant was good, but not as good as Mezze the night before.

Istiklal Caddesi

After dinner Jonathan and I treated ourselves lavishly to the Turkish bath experience in one of the oldest continuously operated bathhouses (Cemberlitas Hamami) in Instanbul.

WOW.

Why did I not turn over my bathing responsibilities to someone else years ago?

I thought I’d previously found the pinnacle spa experience when I was first introduced to Roman baths a few years ago, but this puts Rome to shame! I was provided a locker and standard issue panties and then (after stripping down and putting on just the panties) escorted into the massage room for a hot oil massage. Next, I was led into a hot round room with a heated marble slab in the middle. I was directed to lay down on the slab where other women were already arranged while a hefty woman with endearing motherly qualities (soothing voice, etc) scrubbed me down with a hot wet loofah and lots of soap. Heavenly! She did one side, then had me turn over for her to do the other. If I told you that you had to get naked in a foreign country with a bunch of people looking on while a stranger rubbed down every part of your body you might hesitate but I’m telling you after the first few minutes the western puritanism angst goes away and you just lie there willing it to go on forever. Once the scrubbing was over, the attendant filled up buckets with hot water and doused me repeatedly (as if I was a circus elephant) until I was squeaky clean. Then she guided me over to a nook in the room to wash my hair for me. I was free to relax back on the slab or use the hot tubs after that. It was a great experience and I would fly back to Turkey on a moment’s notice JUST TO HAVE A TURKISH BATH. Jon’s experience went much the same way (except of course his attendant was male) and he seemed to enjoy himself as well.

Friday was our third day in Instanbul and we spent most of the morning at the Topkapi Palace, which was the Sultan’s residence during the age of the Sultans in Turkey. The sultans made use of a whole wing onto the palace just for their harams! The grounds are very nice with a pretty view of the Bosphorus river on the far end. I was disappointed to find that the palace kitchens were closed to tours for the day and also a bit frustrated at the unruly mobs of elementary school children visiting the palace on school tours. They were loud and troublesome. Oh, that brings me to a very bizarre happening on our trip, which repeated itself daily. One of the friends we traveled with is of African descent and the school kids were mesmerized by her. There was pointing and and excited expressions and running over to us to beg for pictures with her. At one point she was even signing autographs for the children. Even some adults smiled at her and called her chocolate and wanted to take a picture. I don’t understand how in the 21st century a dark skinned woman can be such an exotic experience for anyone, anywhere in the modern world. Are there not *any* other black people in Turkey? Do they not watch international TV? I just don’t get it. Credit must be given to our friend, who took it all in stride and never found offense in the children’s curiosity.

An unexpected twist to our palace tour was that I ran into one of my friends from Flyertalk.com in the Palace Armory. He and his wife and new baby girl live in Austin, TX. I met them (pre-baby) at a Flyertalk party in Andorra a couple years ago. What are the chances we’d run into each other in Turkey of all places? Life is funny sometimes.

Palace Gate and Interior

Standing at the rear of the palace overlooking the Bosphorus

Palace Interior

We dropped in on the Spice Bazaar after our palace tour and I really enjoyed those markets. It is the non-tourist version of the Grand Bazaar and all the local people shop there, which is reflected in the prices – a huge discount compared to the GB. I picked up a Turkish tea set (Turks drink tea in small vessels the size of a shot glass) and a few other items. And Jonathan and I enjoyed sampling Turkish Delight. It’s quite good – I’m not sure I’d trade my soul for it (see The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe for details) – but it was good. Lunch was in a little restaurant above the Spice Bazaar that I refuse to name or recommend (despite that it was tasty) because the waiter’s poor English pronunciation led us all to believe the buffet price was almost TWENTY dollars cheaper than it was in actuality. Gah.

Spice Bazaar – where authoritarian parents and sadomasochists come to shop

The wind blew in and the weather turned cold during our afternoon cruise on the Bosphorus. We opted for one of the cheap 90 minute tours on the ferry and the sights along the river were impressive. We sailed under several beautiful bridges as we passed near the Asian side of Istanbul (Istanbul straddles two continents).

Views from the riverboat

Having had enough wind, cold, and excitement for one day, half of our group wandered back to the hotel for the evening while the rest of us headed back to Istiklal Caddesi for shopping, sightseeing, and dinner at another well recommended restaurant. We stopped at Karakoy Gulluoglu on the way for its world famous Turkish Baklava (dessert for appetizer course always works for me). Highly recommend you stop by should you find yourself in Istanbul. Dinner was at a pub type establishment named Sofyali 9. We fell in right away with the gentlemen at the next table who prodded us to try their hot roasted chilies (yum- very similar to NM green chile). We struck up quite the conversation with them and before the night was over we’d all shared our food (delicious) and liquor and traded business cards. One of the gentleman owns a hotel down the coast of Turkey in one of the little resort towns and they both race sailboats for fun. My kind of friends!

Saturday morning I woke with the morning prayers (which, after hearing them many times a day had ceased to be creepy and started to sound beautiful. I especially like the prayer as heard in this clip). We left Istanbul early and flew to Cappadocia to experience the Turkish countryside and remnants of its (now banished) Greek culture. Come to the rural regions of Turkey and you will hear the bitter stories of what the Turks did to the Greeks and the Armenians in the name of unifying their Turkish countrymen. We spent the afternoon walking among the open air ruins of Goreme – cave dwellings with Eastern Roman religious motifs painted within. Then we traveled to Uchisar to climb the “Castle” ruins here and we watched the sunset from atop it.

Goreme Open Air Museum of ruins

Local transportation for tourists

Views from the castle

We did dinner at a place that was such a hole in the wall that the proprietors are willing to come pick you up for the meal just to ensure they can get customers coming in. Unfortunately the food was dull and entirely forgettable.

I like to squeeze every drop of sightseeing out of my holidays so despite being a bit sleepy we set off late after dinner to see the much lauded Whirling Dervish Ceremony at Sarihan. In summary, a gaggle of men dressed in religious skirts that flare when twirled pray, perform on instruments, sing, and spin themselves round and round in circles till they get so dizzy they achieve union with God. I’m not making that up; that’s the theological drive behind the spinning/whirling-till-you-get-dizzy maneuvers. It was very beautiful to watch and a bit hypnotic. After the performance, the crowd was treated to hot apple tea in the fr-fr-fr-freezing open air courtyard before we were taken back to the hotel.

Sunday morning was our last full day in Turkey and we started it off right: with a hot air balloon ride over Cappadocia. I was pretty nervous because it was my first time in a balloon and I don’t “do” heights well. The idea of floating high above the earth in a wicker basket seemed risky to me. I am really glad I pushed through my fears though because it’s so beautiful and amazing to be drifting in the wind overlooking the landscape. We were in the air for a couple of hours and then our pilots treated us to champagne and took us to the hotel where our next tour guide was waiting for us.

View from the balloon

Valley of the balloons

Love Valley- oh those Turks have a sense of humor (look closely)

We had booked the Cappadocia Undiscovered tour through our hotel. The tour is run by the same local group – Heritage travel- that organized our balloon ride. On the CU tour we visited more cave dwellings including an entire monastery built inside caverns; we hiked a scenic mile in the Soganli Valley; we toured the Sobessos Excavation site where a farmer unearthed a Byzantine Empire complex while digging in his field one afternoon; and we wound our way through the passages of the Derinkuyu Underground City where more than thirty thousand Phrygians spent months living underground with their families and livestock across 11 stories of manually dug caverns 80 meters deep during times of war in the 6th century BC. I hit my head no less than seven times on the low ceilings in Derinkuyu and came through the experience with a bump on my head.

Cave Fresco

Tile detail from Byzantine ruins at Sobessos

We flew back to Istanbul late Sunday evening and Jon and I had our best dining experience yet. We stumbled across a whole row of cafes organized in mini-mall fashion near our hotel and decided to pick one at random for dinner. Each café had the word ‘ciger’ in its name, so we assumed they were the sort of pubs where smoking might be allowed. Err, turns out the word mean liver in Turkish and these café’s are known for their liver kebabs. Hmmm. They’ve also got lamb kebabs on the menu so we went that (we just happy to find out no one was smoking cigars!). So the kebabs at these cafes are not like any other kebabs you’ve ever had. Think of them as Turkish fajitas. They are served on long long skewers with flatbread very similar to tortillas, a tomato relish very similar to salsa, grilled onions and peppers, and some other accompaniments like fresh herbs. They are assembled and eaten much like fajitas as well. SO GOOD. Despite the fact that the window advertised ‘credit cards accepted’, the café’s credit card machine was on the fritz and so the owner informed us our meal would need to be paid in cash. When we asked him to direct us to the nearest ATM (b/c we had no cash left since we were leaving in the morning) he changed course and insisted that our meal was free, “to show how very grateful Turkey is to host you”. We protested but it fell on deaf ears. Not only did he comp our meal but he insisted in sending out tea and dessert before we were allowed to leave. What an amazing man and what a spirit of hospitality!

I started to miss Turkey even before our plane took off at the airport in Instanbul. The sightseeing…the lamb…the hospitality….the having-other-people-bathe-me…….just an amazing trip and I can’t wait to go back. We are thinking next time we will visit Ephesus and Troy and drop in to see one of our new sailboat racing friends at his seaside resort hotel.

Butterfly Angel

2011-12-28T23:16:00.001-05:00

My parents (and their previous spouses) wrestled strenuously with their personal demons and so my siblings and I grew up in the midst of constant drama and angst. Each of us has our own story of what we endured, with varying degrees of abuse and crazy aimed in our direction.

I was the younger half-sister that my parents attempted to anchor their “new” life around while they put their existing children on the backburner and this led to a lot of resentment building up against me from my sisters and brothers. With some siblings this resentment expressed itself with blunt aggression and rage while with others it was released with subtle slights and cold comments. And for a couple of my siblings there was no marked signs of resentment but there was always the emotional distance of being strangers, raised decades and geographical regions apart.

With my sister Suzie everything was different. Every interaction with her during my childhood was positive and love seemed to just pour out of her.

Suzie was a beautiful butterfly that floated into and out of my life on the wind with little or no notice. The first time she drifted into my life after I reached adulthood was just a few months after I turned 21. Our father suffered a heart attack in NM, where my husband and I also lived at the time, and Suzie raced into town with most of my other siblings to be by his side. We were sitting on my parents’ porch and Suzie leaned into me as we talked and she giggled over some coming of age story I was relating to her. “You are just like us. You are one of us.”, she said to me, and then repeated it for emphasis. Inside my heart did flip-flops because all I ever wanted my whole life was to be loved and to belong. Suzie and the others stayed in town for a few days and in my desperation for a connection with them I didn’t hesitate for a moment to accept the invitation to follow them back to upstate NY where Jonathan and I could put down roots.

Unfortunately the situation deteriorated quickly between my older sister A* (who had invited me to stay with her) and I and so I found myself and my faithful puppy Jenna on the other side of the country from my husband (who stayed behind to work and make car payments for a few months) and parents with no place to go, no money, no job, and nowhere to turn for help. In steps Suzie to rescue me and Jenna. Despite the fact that she had little money herself, four children to care for (with one under a year old), ongoing strife with her romantic partner, and often wrestled herself with the poor decisions she made, she took us in without question. She sent my brother to pick me up and bring me to her flat where she was already hosting another family member with nowhere else to go. That was Suzie- she would help anyone; take in anyone who needed her. I spent two and a half months living with Suzie, sharing a room and bed with my niece Genevieve. I learned the ins and outs of living on a budget and a colorful education on a lot of other items I’d never been exposed to in my sheltered childhood. Jenna adopted my nephew Henri as her own and slept in his room each night.

Those two and a half months were a crucial period in my life as I struggled with finding a job all the while missing my husband and reading weekly letters from my father within which he assured me of my failure. I was depressed and scared and Suzie held me up through it all. She encouraged me, told me how much she believed in me, and challenged me not to give up. I had a sister! I had a sister and we loved each other and I belonged. I belonged.

After I got on my feet and saved enough for my own apartment I moved out. A few months later Jonathan joined me in NY and as we lived a few towns over from Suzie and became involved in the busy routines of our own lives, we saw Suzie less and less. Regardless, she was always there for me when I needed her and I never forgot her advice, which she dispensed readily on a multitude of topics. One that sticks with me: “Never leave the house looking like a mess. Never. Put your best foot forward, even when you’re just going to the mailbox. You never know who is out there and first impressions are everything.”

A few years later Suzie moved to Michigan with her children and my heart sank. I didn’t want to lose the connection we had built, but I didn’t know how to save it. In retrospect, I realize this was simply my beautiful butterfly floating away on the breeze.

A couple summers ago, after many years of intermittent contact Suzie fluttered back into my life suddenly and unexpectedly. She called me, depressed, with nowhere else to turn. It was my turn to rescue her. I flew out to meet her in Michigan (shocked at how thin and sickly looking she had become) and flew her here to Virginia to spend time with us and get her back on her feet. It was a roaring success. Her tears gave way to her beautiful laugh and we had had so many wonderful days together, one after another. We talked about everything. We bared our souls and bonded even closer. Instant sister, just add water. I felt such joy and Suzie helped me work through some of my own childhood demons and burdens. She knew my crazy past from the inside out and could provide healthy, healing perspective in a way no one else outside the family could. She believed in me and she loved me unconditionally as her sister and I felt the same way toward her. She held nothing our father did against me and had nothing but happiness and pride for my success. I tried so hard to impress upon her that she was no different than I; that she could do anything she set her mind to, but after years of struggles and setbacks she doubted herself. Still, I think we helped each other learn to love ourselves better.

And then, just like that, Suzie drifted out of my life again. I had tried so hard to hold onto her- I begged her to stay in this area where she was blooming and plant roots. But you can’t nail a butterfly to board. She left for Michigan and I cried everyday for two weeks.

I tried to keep in weekly contact but Suzie couldn’t be corralled. We spoke every few months, on Suzie’s whim, and every conversation was a comfort to me.

A year passed and a random phone call from Suzie surprised me in the middle of my workday- she was in DC and needed a place to stay. Rescue 2.0. It was another fabulous summer with Suzie. She taught me gardening and how to negotiate with the home depot manager. Did you know you can talk the manager down 75% on plants past their bloom? Me neither. She listened eagerly to every detail of my travel tales and she introduced me to all of our neighbors whom I had never gotten to know in the 6 years we’ve lived here but who were sending constant invitations her way for BBQs, parties, and the like. She also spent a lot of time with our father who was frail and ailing and I think they were able to resolve some of their longstanding conflicts. As the summer wore on a panic welled up within me as I feared Suzie would leave me again. And of course, she did. This time she left with a strong sense of purpose- to organize her life, do some traveling, and then find a way to reconnect with her youngest daughter and be the best mother that she could be. I believed in her and wished her well. This time I only cried for three days because I knew that eventually Suzie would float back into my life on the breeze and everything would be just as it was.

But it never happened. Although she made good on her plans to travel and work on building a new relationship with her children, I never saw Suzie again. Our father died in March and she couldn’t bear the agony of coming to the memorial. I missed her so much and wished she could have been there, but I understand how painful it was for her. Over the summer she moved to Georgia to be closer to her daughters and help plan for the arrival of my grandnephew into the world. She will never see him because she died unexpectedly in a car accident on November 16th.

The news hit me so hard that I experienced a deep emotional shock and was absolutely taken to the bottom of despair. First my father, then my beloved Jenna and now my Suzie all in the same year. My Suzie! What cruelty to lose the only sister who unabashedly loved and accepted me! What cruelty for her to lose her life when she was just starting to put it back together! What cruelty for my nieces to lose her when they are most in need (one with a baby on the way and one working her way through being a teenager)!

I am starting to come out from under this storm cloud of grief but I will hold a place for Suzie in my heart forever. Forever. And I will be there for her children and her grandchildren and their children in anyway that I can, anytime I can, for the rest of my life. Their mother was a butterfly angel who walked beside me and showed me the love of God.

RIP Suzanne Sylvain Davies 04/04/63 - 11/16/11.

Sunday Supper

2011-12-18T21:12:00.001-05:00

Tonight marked the first evening in over a month that my husband and I were both in town for Sunday dinner. We held our usual open house dinner party and I decided to take a culinary risk betting on recipes out of a cookbook I’d not used before. It’s a minor gamble to rely on a recipe you’ve never made out of a cookbook you are well familiar with and have used for other recipes to success. It’s a major gamble to source recipes from a book you’ve never worked with before. Luckily the risk resulted in reward as each of the dishes were met with enthusiasm and praise after tasting. We had three guests join us for dinner so with Jonathan and I that made five around the table.

All recipes excluding dessert are from Holiday Fare : Favorite Williamsburg Recipes. This is the souvenir cookbook Jonathan chose for me from our visit to Colonial Williamsburg – he presented it to me as a Christmas gift a few years back.

We opened dinner with Candied Pecans and Leek-y Brie. I am not a leek fan (neither cleaning the sand laden vegetable nor eating it appeal it me much) so I substituted scallions for the leeks. We used St. Andre triple crème brie as our cheese of choice (thank you Costco sale) and it was fabulously creamy. I was worried that the abrupt sharpness of scallions would not harmonize well with the caramelized pecans but it all works together beautifully.

Our main course was a composed trio: Sugar and Spice Pork Tenderloin with Cabbage Pear Compote; Black-Eyed Peas (smoked ham hock stewed with 2 cans black-eyed peas, 1 onion diced, 2 cloves garlic minced, 1 can diced tomatoes, handful of fresh rosemary, handful of fresh thyme, 1 T butter, and enough water to cover the ham hock – cook until most of the water evaporates (about 35-40 minutes); and Skillet-Baked Cornbread. I was really leery of the whole presentation as I’m not a mustard fan (the pork is slathered with mustard before the crusting and baking), I don’t typically enjoy cabbage and I’ve never been a fan of black-eyed peas. So glad I was open minded enough to give it a try because every element of the composition was delicious.

We rounded out the meal with a Streusel Topped Pumpkin Pie that Jonathan made and chocolate cake brought by one of our guests, Natalie.

Next time I chronicle a meal I’ll employ the good sense to take pictures so that you don’t just have to imagine what everything looked like (you’ll still have to imagine what everything tastes like unless you take the time to download the recipes and try them for yourself, which of course, I recommend highly).

I’d love to read about what you’ve been cooking up in your kitchens this week.

Weekly Menu: Winter

2011-12-17T20:28:00.001-05:00

I’ve heard from several readers that would like me to share the weekly menus I put together for our family. So the weekly menu feature is henceforth rolled into publication. Expect periodic posts under this category as some weeks we are out of town and other weeks life can be so hectic that every night is takeout, leftovers, or cheerios. Also expect that some weeks the menu will be published as a partial week menu due to travel. Finally, please note that while I strive to incorporate a healthy selection of vegetables, fruit, and fish every week, the menus are not set to a specific caloric intake or diet plan. They’re just set to yummy.

This week’s menu is below. Cookbooks you’ll need to have on hand include Southwestern Vegetarian by Stephan Pyles, Plenty by Yotam Otto Lenghi, and The Best Casserole Cookbook Ever by Beatrice Ojakangas. These cookbooks are all sound investments that we will be coming back to throughout the year for recipes. I’ve also included hyperlinks to the recipes online whenever they were available .

Snacks are meant to be spread throughout the day.

	Mon	Tues
breakfast	cheerios topped with milk, cinnamon and blueberries	oatmeal topped with craisins, nuts, and warm milk
lunch	leftovers	leftovers
dinner	pasta with tomato sauce* and veggies or meat; salad	wild rice and corn fritters (p.75 Southwest Veggie) w/honey butter; broiled tilapia**; steamed broccoli
snacks	crackers and cheese	apple, 12 almonds, 6 crackers, 1 yogurt
	Wed	Thurs
breakfast	egg burrito (egg, green pepper or chile, cheese); smoothie***	toast with peanut butter and bananas; orange juice
lunch	tuna salad (canned tuna, dill, mayo/miracle whip) sandwich; 1 fruit	fresh hummus with carrots, pita bread and red pepper slices
dinner	celeriac and lentils (p. 216 Plenty); dilled cucumbers dressed with oil and vinegar	Asian chicken wings****; kraft/velveeta mac & cheese; salad
snacks	orange, string cheese, crackers, yogurt+granola	1 fruit, crackers, smoothie
	Fri	Sat
breakfast	cheerios topped with milk, cinnamon and blueberries	oatmeal topped with craisins, nuts, and warm milk
lunch	salad; leftover wings	cocktail shrimp, mango, avocado salad (mix all, chill and serve)
dinner	burger night w/all the fixins (cheese, mushrooms, green chile, avocado, etc); eggplant fries	Tortilla Soup*****; chips and salsa
snacks	protein bar, watermelon, cashews	fruit, yogurt, crackers
	Sun
breakfast	Eggs, grits (w/butter and salt/pepper), breakfast meat, toast
lunch	cottage cheese and fruit (ripe pears/peaches)
dinner	Grandma’s chicken casserole (p. 155 Casserole cookbook); steamed baby potatoes, green beans, salad
snacks	apple, string cheese, crackers

* For quick weeknight pasta, start with bottled pasta sauce (I like Prego) and jazz it up with either fresh veggies (sauteed carrots, onions, mushrooms or zucchini work well) and/or ground beef or shrimp. Top with shredded parmesan (buy the block @Costco and shred yourself as needed).

**For the broiled tilapia, simply place the fish filets (1 per person) in an ovenproof casserole dish and provide a bit of liquid to keep the fish moist (I usually use a bit of white wine) and sprinkle with salt, pepper and your favorite seasonings for fish. Lemon pepper is good and the McCormick’s Citrus Grill spice is lovely too.

***For smoothie, blend 1 c ice, 1 cup frozen fruit of your choice(berries, peaches bananas, just to name a few), 1 cup OJ, and 6 oz of yogurt. You can also add a 1/3 cup protein powder if you workout regularly.

****For Asian wings, drizzle 24 wings generously with Ken’s Asian salad dressing, 3 T of chives and 1 to 2 T of any brand of onion jam you can find. Roast at 425 until juices run clear then sprinkle generously with sesame seeds. SO GOOD and easy.

*****For tortilla soup, saute 1 onion (diced) and 2 cloves garlic (minced) until translucent, add 2 green chiles (diced), 1 can diced tomatoes w/ green chile, 1 cup shredded or diced cooked chicken (leftover rotisserie chicken is great for this), and enough chicken broth to fill the 5qt pot 3/4 full. Bring to a boil then add 1/2 to 1 cup diced zucchini and simmer until zucchini is done. Serve with fresh diced avocado, salsa, shredded Monterey jack cheese as garnishes.

Creativity and Optimism: Practical Applications (part 1)

2011-12-15T22:02:00.001-05:00

I read once that optimistic people who believe that good things are coming their way appear to be lucky because good things repeatedly do indeed happen to/for them. Turns out just as many good things come down the pike for all people on average but only the optimistic people are looking for them and notice them and are therefore able to pounce on such opportunities more frequently.

Can you teach people how to approach life with optimism and creativity? I’d like to think so but studies are inconclusive. Well actually that’s a lie- the studies *were* inconclusive when I last reviewed the matter for a term paper as an undergrad in the 1990s. It’s entirely possible that science has come to a firm conclusion on the matter by now but I can’t be bothered to look it up.

In any case, I wanted to provide you two case studies in optimism and creativity, drawn from my personal experience to illustrate their practical applications.

The first case shall be documented by way of a thread of email correspondence that I was involved in about five years ago while job hunting. The end result was a job interview offer which I turned down because I accepted a position elsewhere and didn’t want to string anyone else along. Watch how this unfolds and see if you can identify where optimism, creativity and dare I say a bit of boldness opened up an avenue of opportunity.

-------------------------------

From: Susan xxx
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 2:00 PM
To: jenni

Cc: (lots and lots of other people)
Subject: Robertson
Since Mr. Robertson did not complete his SF-85P Security questionnaire, he was asked to go home to complete it.
Mr Robertson promised to complete and fax you today the completed SF-85P and will bring in a hard copy with him tomorrow.
Mr. Robertson will show up at our office tomorrow at 8:00am.
Thank you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xxx, James
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 2:13 PM
To: Susan xxx; jenni; xxx, Scott
Cc: lots of other people
Subject: RE: Robertson
Maybe Mr Robertson is not the right candidate after all for our office! Jeanne has had several conversations with this guy--if he doesn't get it right today then I say let's not waste our valuable time with him! By all indications and his inactions I question his reliability and dependability.
----------------------------------------------------------
From: Jenni

Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 2:14 PM
To: James xxx

Subject: RE: Robertson

Hello this is Jennifer’s automated spamfilter. Only messages from recipients on the whitelist are delivered to Jennifer. Please take a moment to add yourself to the whitelist by replying to this email with ‘whitelist’ in the subject field.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

From: xxx, James
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 2:130 PM
To: jenni

Subject: RE: Robertson

You need to read my email but I don't have time to register with your whitelist. This is important to our office!!!
JAMES xxx, Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Jenni M. Parks

Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 2:58 PM
To: xxx, James; 'Susan xxx; xxx, Scott
Cc: lots of other people
Subject: RE: Robertson

Hello,
Just a note to let you know that you’ve somehow pulled me into your chain of emails. I’m not sure how that happened. I only know Susan because she contacted me about a job opportunity last week to inquire whether I was interested [I am currently job hunting]. It looks as though she may have inadvertently added me to an outgoing email and then you all hit “reply all” when responding.
My comments:
I am glad I am not Mr. Robertson :)
I am still job hunting, should you have any opportunities available for a seasoned Windows/AD IT Director with government experience.
Have a great day!
Best Regards,
Jenni Parks
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xx, James
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 3:09 PM
To: jenni.parks
Subject: RE: Robertson
Hi Jenni,
I apologize for the tone of my earlier email.
Please send me your resume and salary requirements. I am also the xxx for the CIO. We are rapidly expanding our project nation-wide and experienced AD folks are hard to find. I'll get your resume to our IT Director for review.
Give me a buzz if you have questions.
Jimmy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Jenni M. Parks
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 3:15 PM
To: xxx, James
Subject: RE: Robertson
Jimmy,
Resume, project accomplishments and references attached. Thank you. Salary is negotiable with a floor of $xxx for consideration.
Best Regards,
Jenni M. Parks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xxx, James
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 3:29 PM
To: jenni.parks
Subject: RE: Robertson
Jenni,
Are you looking for a contractor or a permanent government position; or, a contractor-to-maybe government position?
Jimmy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Jenni M. Parks
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 3:43 PM
To: xxx, James
Subject: RE: Robertson

I’m looking for permanent employment, whether it is with a federal agency, a federal contractor or even with a private firm that has nothing to do with the federal government.
I love the job I hold currently and what I do, but I am a political appointee and after the November elections should the chairmanship of this office change my job will likely be filled by a new appointee of the new chairman.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xxx, James
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 3:47 PM
To: jenni.parks
Subject: RE: Robertson

Understand Jenni. I have passed your resume to our IT Director, and with your permission, will share it with my extensive network of government and private sector contacts. There should be something good around here for someone with your background, experience, and abilities. :-)
V/R
Jimmy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Jenni M. Parks
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 4:03 PM
To: xxx, James
Subject: RE: Robertson

Jimmy,
Excellent. You have my permission to share my resume with anyone you deem fit. I look forward to hearing from your colleagues and contacts regarding any opportunities that may be a good match for my skill set.
Poor Mr. Robertson!
Best Regards,
Jenni Parks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xxx, James
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 4:16 PM
To: jenni.parks
Subject: RE: Robertson
Good Luck and stay in contact. Look for Robertson in line at a food bank near you soon. :-)
Jimmy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jenni M. Parks

To: xxx, James

Sent: Mon Jun 05 16:58:44 2006

Subject: RE: Robertson

Sounds like a plan. Have a great afternoon Jimmy. Pleasure meeting you through this very bizarre chain of events.

Best Regards,

Jenni M. Parks

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: xxx, James

Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 5:01 PM

To: jenni.parks

Subject: Re: Robertson

Jenni,

The pleasure is all mine and I'll try to help you as much as I can.

Jimmy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Avoiding Conflict

2011-11-19T16:14:00.001-05:00

It’s very hard to separate rational truth from what we were taught as children.

For as far back as I can recall I have strived to avoid conflict. With everyone, in every circumstance, regardless the consequences. Not only do I stifle eruptions of anger that well up within myself (even if justified) I do everything to avoid others becoming angry with me, especially in public. As would be expected this has exacted quite a cost emotionally and at times financially and professionally.

My husband challenged me recently to consider this pattern of behavior; to study it deeply and identify why I often sacrifice everything at the altar of ‘keeping the peace’. So I did. I took time away from distractions and set myself down to pray and pursue and unravel this compulsion that often costs me so dearly.

Here is what I discovered.

From the time I was a very small child my mother would frequently yell at me. It was terrifying, loud, sometimes accompanied by physical violence (throwing things). I never had to ask ‘why’ she was angry; she always volunteered the reasons:

~if only I was a good girl she wouldn’t be angry all the time

~I *made* her yell at me because I am terrible daughter/person

Paired with my Mom’s behavior was my father’s frequent derogatory comments and put-downs regarding my appearance, my personality and my behavior. He was on the same page as my mother in explaining why he treated me this way:

~I tell you this terrible truths because I love you and want you to become a good person

From both sides it was clear: I was a bad person. I could be a good person. If I could figure out HOW to be a good person, the yelling and the derogatory comments would stop. From this I could also extrapolate that if someone expressed anger with me in public everyone within sight/earshot of the scene would find out that I am a bad person (b/c why else would someone be angry with me?).

This may seems ridiculous, shocking, or unbelievable but I held onto this thinking well into adulthood. That is why others expressing anger has always been interpreted as terrifying reinforcement that I AM TERRIBLE. And since I don’t want anyone else to every hear “YOU ARE TERRIBLE”, likewise I rarely express anger toward others.

Jon’s prompting to *really* think about these issues lead me down a fruitful road. Not only did I honestly analyze the beginnings of these ideas and feelings but I was ready to evaluate them objectively. And that’s when, at age 35 (approximately 2 months ago) I realized my concept of anger is completely flawed.

Truth is, there are many reasons why someone might express anger toward me:

~ they are angry at something/someone else and taking it out on me instead

~I did something and it upset them and I need to evaluate whether their upset is reasonable (and take action to amend) or unreasonable (and let it roll off or explain to them why I’m not amending behavior). This doesn’t mean I am terrible, just means I might have some behavior changes to make.

~they are mentally ill

~they are sadistic

~they are jealous and want to hurt me

~they are proud and their ego is feeling threatened

~other (I am sure there are more reasons)

When I first came up with my list I sat down, stupefied, in the realization that I was able to rationally make sense of it all on paper. But would you believe readers that just because it makes sense on paper I still struggle with letting go of the old way of thinking? I’m working on frequent self-talk and corrective thinking:

“Anger != I am terrible. Anger != I am terrible.”

I repeat this mantra in my thoughts frequently, especially when others are clearly on the verge of expressing anger toward me. It’s very difficult in the moment of an angry scene to remember this truth, but I am working on it. And working on it allows me to stay emotionally reasonable and open to hearing what the angry person is attempting to communicate instead of curling up into a self-hatred ball inside myself. A long and slow road ahead but I have a map now. I have a map now!

Suzie

2011-11-17T09:26:00.001-05:00

My sister Suzie died unexpectedly yesterday in a most horrific way (she was 48).

My college classmate Tondra died last week, also unexpectedly and horribly (she was 35). I lost Jenna at the end of September (she was 14). I lost Daddy in March (he was 82).

I am having a hard time keeping sane at this particular moment in time.

Ode to My Beloved Jenna

2011-11-08T15:52:00.000-05:00

RIP Jenna "Piranha Mama" Parks
December 1996 - September 2011

Jenna. My beloved Jenna.

You have been a part of my life since I was 20. Since Jon and were in our first year of marriage. Nearly every meaningful memory of the past 15 years is intertwined with your presence.

When I broke my leg that cold Valentine’s day (a month and a day before my 21st birthday) as I raced up to my parents home barefoot with you in my arms (which you went sailing out of when I slipped on the ice and the audible crack of my bone could be heard) it was you, first on the scene, to lick my tears away and bring me comfort.

When I packed everything I owned into my car, said goodbye to my husband and set off for a new life in New York, it was you by my side in the car as my companion in adventure.

When we reached NY and were forced out of the only place we had to live, it was you and I against the big cruel world and I remember the promise I made to you through tears: I would never let anyone take you away from me. If that meant living out of my car b/c the homeless shelters didn’t take animals so be it.

When I drove excitedly to pick up Jonathan from the airport after 4 months of living across the country from each other you sat beside me and waited to greet him anxiously.

You’ve been through poverty with us in our early adulthood and the secure financial years since. When our financial outlook improved and we had the funds to take road trips, you went everywhere with us. Camping, long drives in the country, and more.

When we lived in the apartments next to the cemetery you made a game of running and jumping through the forks in the trees. A whole row of trees and you jumped them- at least 3 feet off the ground- one by one over and over again tirelessly. You were a star athlete, even if your gait did run a little crooked.

You ran into the cemetery once late at night and I was terrified! But I had to let my responsibility for you win over my fear of cemetery ghosts so I sheepishly closed my eyes and went in after you calling your name (and banging my arms and legs against several tombstones in the process). I finally found you after I tripped on one and hurt myself so badly I sobbed- you ran over quick as lightning to give me kisses and make it all better.

Funny stuff: you discovered early in life you could lick your girly-bits to feel good and work yourself into a passionate frenzy. You did so whenever you wanted -always ending with heavy panting and thrusting in front of your audience till you were spent. We just laughed it off every time (what can you do?) except that one time you staged your performance during the group prayer time in the middle of a bible study we were hosting. Talk about embarrassing! And then there was that time we were learning how to send voicemail over email and were preparing a greeting for our family and you tooted loudly on mic which sent me into hysterical laughter (also caught on mic).

You loved the water. You were like a duck in the water- always wanting to swim out a little further, stay a little longer. Every stream we crossed came with a look from you – “Please Mommy can’t I just go in for a moment?” And I always gave in.

You loved the snow. Tromping in it with your woofy boots to keep the ice and cold out. Chewing icicles. Running and catching snowballs.

You loved to run. In wide outdoor spaces (look! there’s a squirrel!) or our tiny cramped apartments (you’d chase me round and round the coffee table till I collapsed in giggles under your kisses when you finally caught me).

You barked on command. You fetched on command. I could throw one stick laden with your doggie drool into a pile of 100 and you knew just which one was yours to bring back. Sometimes you were overly ambitious in your fetching- trying to pull an entire fallen tree by its branches over to Jon or I to play with!

You taught yourself tricks to compensate for my weaknesses. After getting frustrated waiting for me to take you for a walk sat muttering “Let me just find my gloves and your leash, where did they go?”, for the umpteenth time, you brought me my gloves and your leash! Such a smart doggie.

You weathered through seizures as a young adult and tumors and surgeries as an older dog. So brave and always so excited to see me after waking up from one of your ordeals.

You took the addition of Julia to our family 5 years ago pretty well, showing patience and kindness to your new doggie sister. You got a good bit of fun out of playing tug of war with her and wrestling.

I think you beamed proudly along with me when the vet told you (at 12) that you were in great health with the body of a 9 year old! Perfect teeth!

When your health finally started to slip away from you, you took it in stride. You couldn’t walk as far as you used to, you couldn’t run as far (and then eventually not at all) and you lost interest in most games most days. But you still never wanted to be separated from us- so you slowly and painfully worked your way up the stairs to sleep with us each night. It had been many years since you were able to jump up on the bed to sleep beside us, so you slept at the foot of the bed on the floor and let Julia take over in-bed duty.

Jenna we loved you so much and we miss you! Thanks for bringing us such joy moment after moment, day after day, year after year. You were a great dog and a best friend. Three-way kisses forever Jenna!!

My Protest against the 1% (God) Who Has 100% Power Over Death

2011-11-08T14:57:00.000-05:00

It’s been a little over eight months since my father died. It’s been a difficult eight months. Sometimes my grief wells up and spills over into tears when I’m not expecting it but for the most part I find that the wound heals a little more each day.

While I am still healing emotionally and have healed physically (the human stress response of cortisol elevation causes multiple problems for our health), the death of my father has led to significant and permanent changes in my relationship with God and my understanding of the world. As I posted in a previous entry, during his health crisis in his final weeks I researched tirelessly to try to find a way to prevent my father from dying, all to no avail. This failure to control the situation burdened me with immense guilt (what if I had just could have done something different to stop this?) and stirred up irrational anger in me against the doctors (why couldn’t they save him?).

After a time, with the help of others I was able to see reality as it stands: death is real, death is terrifying and death cannot always be stopped. This acceptance allowed me to let go of my anger against the doctors and much of my guilt but fueled an immediate and intense anger against God because it is he who ‘let’ this happen. I don’t think I’ve ever been as angry as in those months following Daddy’s death. Now you have to understand that I have heard stories of parents who turn away from God b/c their child dies and I always shook my head in disapproval sadly at their idolatry because I understood on a rational level that our loved ones do not belong to us and we must let them go and give them up to God when required without a grudge against God, lest we idolize another human over God. That all went out the window though when it happened to *me*. Now it was personal! Besides, I rationalized, this was totally different. I wasn’t mad at God over my father in a fit of idolatry, I was mad at God over the ENTIRE concept of death (which I never bothered to really think through before I was touched by it). To be touched by death is to have some of our childlike innocence and naivety brutally stripped away that we can never restore. We see the reality and the pain of what it means to die and what a horrific consequence it was that God dished out to our sinning humanity. To feel the sting of death and know it’s going to happen again when other loved ones die and even ourselves one day is a crushing blow to the spirit!

So I threw a temper tantrum. Literally. And when I was done crying I took God aside and let him know that death changes everything between us. I explained that when I gave him my life all those years ago that was *before* I understood how horrible death was and now that I really know the power of death and to know that he lets it happen left and right every day it is just too much. So I told God the deal was off, I was taking my life back! And just like that I stopped praying and stopped treating my life and my body and all that I have as if it were his. I didn’t even want to go to church anymore, but I kept up just so as not to make waves.

During the whole time I turned my back on God he was still there, patiently waiting for me to return. He worked diligently to engineer circumstances in a way to steer me away from real trouble over and over again while I was off trying to run my own life without him. I’m grateful for that, even though I did manage to still affect some minor damage to my life and loved ones while trying to pilot my own ship.

At some point in late summer it just sort of occurred to me one morning that by staging my little pretentious protest and abandoning God I was not going to get my way and that I was making life even more miserable. God is not going to dismantle death b/c I staged a protest. Death is still a reality as is God and all the railing against God and his ways that I don’t understand doesn’t change this reality. So I put away my protest signs and turned back to God and made an active decision to stop being angry.

Now, without the anger, I’m just left with a tiny little emotional scar that signifies my brush with death and as I’ve already alluded to, I’ve lost a good bit of innocence that has been replaced with a *personal* and painful knowledge of the consequences of evil in the world. While I am still by no means a true cynic, this newfound knowledge does weigh on my soul and chips a bit away from the unbounded optimism and love of this world that I previously displayed. Of course, the cynics among you will note that I’ve been very privileged in my first world upbringing to be able to hold onto that optimism unfettered for so long into adulthood – free until now from death, other violence, or general hardship that hardens hearts.

To Mom

2011-11-08T12:05:00.002-05:00

I sent this letter to my mother today...

I have been thinking a lot about Dad lately and our family. Mostly lately b/c I have noticed how much happier, calmer, peaceful and kinder you have become since Dad has died. At first I was really angry that you seemed to be doing so well without him and not very sad all the time in tears missing him. You seemed to be even better than when he was still here. :/ But I talked about it a lot with Jonathan and I think I see really for the first time that maybe Daddy was not always kind to you and maybe that the way Daddy treated you and talked about you in front of me was part of the reason you struggled so much. I mean you made your own mistakes and I'm not saying that it was all Dad's fault or that I can pretend you did everything right as a mom but maybe I see that Dad didn't really help you when you were struggling with problems and depression when I was growing up or even when I was an adult- instead he used them against you to make you feel bad. He would say bad things about you and from a young age he really turned me against you, making me think that everything was your fault and that he was the innocent party. But that isn't really true and I guess b/c I was always Daddy's little girl I never saw that. I practically worshiped Dad and believed everything he said.

So I wanted to say really I am sorry that I was unfair to you and always took Dad's side of things and made you out to be the bad guy. It must have hurt a lot to feel like we were ganging up against you. I love you and I'm sorry if I made you feel bad.

On Running and Fitness

2011-11-04T00:13:00.001-04:00

Several of you have emailed me to ask how my running regime has been going. I started c25k in June 2010. Way back in 2010! I made it to one week shy of graduation (I chose the distance goal versus time so for me graduation= running a 5k) and it took me something like 12 weeks to get there. I felt so good about my progress and about myself. And then...when I was so close...I let life get in the way. I lost my job (govt contract rebid lost by my employer), got depressed/anxious about that and stopped running consistently which kept setting back my progress. THEN I landed a job and was super busy learning the paces of the new environment and used that as an excuse to not run consistently. THEN in the winter my elderly parents fell ill, Dad came to live with us, was very sick and eventually died in March of 2011. Between the stress and grief my running was sporadic at best.

I was determined to start running again in March after his death but something just wouldn't snap into place- I was in a really sad place over my Dad's death. I signed up for a half marathon to force myself to train (I needed a goal!) but it didn't motivate me much. I made it back to only w5 by the time of the half marathon. I didn't back out of the race - noooo I stuck with it and ran/walked the whole 13.1 miles. I felt great! Crossing that finish line with the support of family (my husband and brother-in-law both ran in the race) was amazing! I wished I had trained more and in the moment of the finish line I was so excited that I committed to disciplined training once I finished the race so that I could run- and i mean fully run- the next half marathon that comes my way one day (Disney princess?). Sadly, a few hours after the race my body began to scream in pain - turns out I ended up with peroneal tendonitis from pushing my body beyond what it had trained to do. Ugh. It meant no running (not even a lot of walking) for SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS.

So October rolls around and I finally was able to start running again. And now I am once again making progress with couch to 5k(Dr said after I was allowed to start back running I must start all over from w1d1). I just finished w3d3. My husband who started C25k around the time i did in 2010 is now regularly running half marathons and logging over 41 miles a week. So I know it's possible if i just keep at it!!

I really wanted to post here for 2 reasons:

1. to encourage myself to keep going
2. to encourage you to keep going no matter how many stops and starts you've had

TL;DR: running is hard, but even with a ton of stops and starts and seemingly failures DON'T GIVE UP, YOU CAN (we can!!!) DO IT!

Trip Report: A Weekend in Tokyo

2011-10-17T23:45:00.000-04:00

My favorite airline (Delta) had a fantastic ‘oopsie’ mistake fare to Tokyo over the summer and so my friends and I jumped at the chance to take a 3 day weekend in Asia. After a Labor Day weekend mile run to Sydney, AU last year I swore off economy cabin flights longer than 13 hours but at less than $500 round trip it was just too good to pass up this economy fare to Asia (typical summer fares are $1400).

So off we went! A warm Thursday evening in July five of us departed the DC metro area bound for Tokyo. With the time zone changes we touched down at Haneda airport Friday evening just after ten o’clock. I’m going to be honest and share with you that it’s a bit unnerving- after growing up in the melting pot of the United States – to find yourself surrounded by a lack of ethnic diversity. The ‘sameness’ was especially highlighted as international tourism to Tokyo has dropped sharply after the tsunami. It wasn’t until two days into the weekend that I was able to stop seeing how similar everyone appeared to each other (as compared to typical Americans) and started seeing the real differences between individuals.

We were all a bit tired after the long flights in economy (at least it was economy comfort with a bit more legroom) and so that first evening we made a beeline for our hotel. Took a few subway transfers to get there, but it wasn’t difficult. The nice thing about metro subways is that from country to country they follow the same sort of implementation and mapping: color coded lines nicely displayed on a large map.

We stayed at the Capitol Hotel Tokyu which is a beautiful modern hotel in downtown Tokyo. In many ways the stay was similar in experience to an upscale Hilton or W in the States.

Then you use the toilet and you realize what you’ve been missing all your life.

The Japanese have a penchant for luxury toileting. These porcelain gods warm your bum, auto clean your bum with perfectly angled nozzles, dry your bum with bursts of air and fans, and even powder buff your bum on some models. Bum extravaganza! Oddly enough we were often limited to a choice of luxury toilets along these lines or ancient squat toilets one step up from a hole in the ground during our Tokyo sightseeing. There were few if any standard toilets as we’ve been raised on in the States.

Our first morning (Saturday) in Tokyo we stormed the famous fish market – Tokyo Wholesale (Tsukiji Fish). This is the largest fish market in the world. It’s quite impressive and a bit nauseating all at once what with the blood and dismembered fish bodies at every turn.

Fish butchery. Oh the humanity!

Sea Urchins

Eels…ugh

Fishheads fishheads roly poly fishheads!

Tuna= massive fish

We sampled a bit of sushi at one of the neighborhood sushi stalls just outside the market before heading to the Ginza neighborhood.

The boys sample sushi while Jenni poses outside the sushi stall

Ginza is the “5th avenue” of Tokyo, with multi-story luxury department stores and fashionably clad ladies strolling the sidewalk as if it was their own personal runway. We spent time leisurely exploring the Mitsukoshi department store. An entire floor devoted to French pastries and other such treats! A Laduree French Macaroon café onsite! A kimono department! The place is absolutely fabulous and not to be missed. NOT TO BE MISSED! We also browsed the Sony store which is set up a lot like IKEA stores in the States- with the various products staged artfully from room to room. Pretty cool.

Some of our group caught on camera at the Sony store and put on sales display

We had lunch at Ippudo – a famous ramen noodle shop. What an experience! We were presented a choice between the ‘standard’ broth, the ‘flavorful’ broth or the ‘spicy’ broth (which could be upgraded to ‘extra spicy’ upon request). Three of us opted for the ‘flavorful’ broth while two chose the ‘spicy’ broth and asked for the upgrade to ‘extra spicy’ - alpha males they wanted to be. Now what you need to know is that Japanese manners preclude blowing your nose in public (sniffling is fine but bodily secretions are a no-no). So you can imagine my laughter as I watched these two sniffling and literally crying their way through their bowls of ramen wishing desperately they could blow their runny noses. Quite entertaining. For the record, they weren’t able to finish the bowls due to the spice and *both* of them are used to hot and spicy foods, so diners beware.

It was a quick hop on the JR train next to visit Ice Cream World. Japanese folks love unusual (read: freaky) ice cream flavors. I’m talking about eel. I’m talking about beef stew. I’m talking about ginger wasabi. Any food item you may have eaten previously in any context has probably also made its way into Japanese ice cream. Despite all my bravado and previous dining adventures (field rat in Thailand!) I opted for something safe: vanilla. I think my stomach was still feeling a bit shaky from witnessing the fish bloodbath earlier in the morning and the rich ramen broth. Oh and they also have shaved ice SERVED BY ROBOTS.

Tokyo streets are crowded

Power Rangers for the win

Ice Cream World Flavors

Jon chose squid to try

Jenni makes friends with the local celebrities

Robert serves up shaved ice

Wicked Cool!

For our final activity of the day before dinner we descended on Shinjuku – a famous neighborhood of Tokyo known for its vibrant personality, shopping and nightlife. We wandered around Isetan (another mega department store); specifically we headed up to the rooftop where there is a lush green park with happy families dotting the lawn enjoying picnics.

Park atop a skyscraper….crazy…

And then it was off to dinner at Shinjuku Tsunahachi for tempura. Oh reader I just wasn’t feeling it. I watched the artful chefs quickly stab and gut a helpless eel and prep it for the fryer. It was too much, especially given the mass slaughter we witnessed at the morning fish market. I’ve no problem with eating animals or slaughter but apparently my stomach won’t easily fall in line after I’ve witnessed such events. I nibbled at the food on my plate, which is in no way should be taken as a sign of its quality as the rest of our group chowed down with enthusiasm.

A long happy day for all and a good night’s sleep lay ahead of us.

Sunday morning we were up early to visit the Meiji shrine. The grounds were beautiful and we stumbled across a wedding in progress. We felt so honored to be witness to the couple’s happy day and I was thrilled to get another bride for my ‘Brides and Pigeons of the World’ facebook photo album.

Jon and I stand as tiny figures before the entrance to Meiji

Bird in flight

Bride and Groom

Wedding processional

We spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon at Ueno Park and the Tokyo National Museum where we were immersed in Japanese history as told by the Japanese (hint: they’re not yet acknowledging that they are descended from Chinese settlers which modern research now shows to be the case).

Beautiful art

From there it was a quick trip to the Senso-ji Temple for sightseeing and pictures before we toured the Ameyoko bazaar.

Senso-Ji Temple views…

The bazaar is a series of streets that parallel a train station. Shops run the gamut but there is a lot of flea-market type outfits selling t-shirts with American advertising from the 70s and 80s. There are also a lot of kink shops with shoppers free from any sort of humility or shame regarding their purchases. They approach the store clerks with giant lifelike silicone penises and sex tapes with the same nonchalance you’d approach a clerk to ask for a price check on avocados.

Dinner our second evening in Tokyo was at Maru. I did a lot of research on Kaiseki dining (traditional Japanese multi-course meal) before selecting Maru for my friends and I to dine at. Kaiseki dining is usually very expensive and difficult to access for western tourists. Maru was reported to be an excellent choice for Kaiseki dining at a more reasonable price point.

When we found Maru (and I write 'found' because it took us forever to locate the restaurant as it has no English signage and the entrance is on the side of the bldg and halfway down a flight of stairs) we were excited to order Kaiseki only to be told it is not possible without reservations in advance. However our waiter was very helpful to guide us in selecting al la carte all the items off the menu that are typically served in the Kaiseki meal progression. This was even better in my opinion that being boxed into the formal Kaiseki menu as we had some leeway for substitutions to accommodate our groups' palette.

Course after course of delicious cuisine was paraded before us. SO GOOD. We started with figs topped with tofu cream. Followed by a delightful green salad with tender asparagus and cucumbers. Followed by a soup with duck dumplings. The main courses were roasted chicken (the best i've ever had) and grilled beef (fantastic). The restaurant's proudest creation is their signature house rice- which takes 40 minutes to cook and is rolled out with oohs and ahhs from the waiter as if it's sacred. Guess what, it's just rice. We couldn't figure out why there was such mystique surrounding ordinary white rice, but we let it slide considering everything else was just absolutely fabulous. Oh and for dessert- a caramel custard, similar to flan. I highly highly recommend you make time for Maru and either call ahead to reserve for the Kaiseki menu, or piecemeal it together as we did. I also highly recommend Maru get a traditional rice steamer or microwave and stop parading their rice as a sacred creation that is worth 40 minutes of waiting.

After dinner we checked out of our upscale fancy toileted hotel and shuttled over to a budget hotel close to the airport to make it easier to catch our early morning flight the next day. Our flight left Tokyo the following morning at a quarter to seven and brought us back to the metro DC area in time to head right to work, albeit a bit late. And the best part was the flight was oversold and so, as elites, we were upgraded to business class (lie flat seats!) gratis for the ride home. Fantastic and yet a bit unnerving to leave Asia in the morning and roll into work in the States THE SAME MORNING. Ahhh the magic of time zones…..

Thailand Trip Report

2011-08-22T23:36:00.000-04:00

t’s finally written and can be found here: http://www.travbuddy.com/travel-blogs/93388

Enjoy! Please leave comments; I live for your witty commentary.

Beautiful Lives

2011-08-20T14:05:00.001-04:00

There is something really special about having a window into the lives of people who are following after God and living according to his will. Our God is no cookie cutter; he has designed each person to contribute to his kingdom in their own unique ways and so each story of purpose plays out a bit differently. Despite this variance in application, every story of purpose evidences the joy and peace of being in alignment with the Creator.

I am blessed; I have the pleasure of counting among my acquaintances several people who are earnestly following after Christ and making something beautiful of their lives in partnership with God. Particularly on my mind this week are a couple we’ve known for a handful of years who recently welcomed a new baby into their family. With one brilliant, well-behaved, and sweet natured child born to them already, they’ve managed to make parenthood look effortless and fun. The same beauty and moving in step with God can be seen when I view the experiences of my gifted artist and musician friends; their lives are inspiring and brimming with talent and joy. These stories of precisely *how* God is working in my friends’ lives are very different from my own story. At times it is tempting for me to peer through my little window into their beautiful lives and long for their stories; for that sort of happy parenthood for Jonathan and myself or for the artist’s eye for capturing beauty with canvas or instrument. But I know, realistically, that our story of children would play out differently (and likely more chaotically), and any attempt to write my life into a story of a fine artist would be laughable. I have my own story and it too is joyful, purposeful, and lovely.

I take great pleasure in introspecting on the ways God uses each of us so differently, crafting beautiful lives with us in the process. It stirs similar feelings within me to when I view a majestic mountain or the seemingly endless ocean from shore. God is amazing; his work in the world, both in nature and in the lives of those around us, is ever present and evident. Are you looking for it? Do you see it?

Summer Reading Review

2011-08-20T13:24:00.000-04:00

I’ve continued my journey through the classics over the past month, with a slight detour through modern fiction.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

Currently reading; barely into chapter three but so for the regurgitation of hedonism is a bit sickening.

One of Our Thursdays Is Missing

Rating: Four Stars

Started reading Jasper Fforde’s latest novel in the Thursday Next series and realized I’d forgotten a lot of details from the preceding four novels (The Eyre Affair, Lost in a Good Book, The Well of Lost Plots, Something Rotten). So I put down OnOTIM and picked up The Eyre Affair and read through it and the three others before diving back into OnOTIM. I really love this series (along with Fforde’s other series- the Nursery Crimes) and the latest addition did not disappoint. I did feel however that the ending was compacted and rushed compared to the pace of the rest of the novel. My husband also enjoys this fantasy series so I’d say the appeal is definitely cross gender. It’s got everything to love: romance, drama, action, mystery, time travel, sarcasm and dry wit.

My Antonia

Rating: Five Stars

Willa Cather’s historical love story is beautiful. Her gift with descriptive text is unmatched; I was able to pull myself easily into the Nebraskan landscape she gloriously describes. My favorite excerpts below:

“She threw her arms around me, and her dear face was all wet with tears. I stood watching their white dresses glimmer smaller and smaller down the sidewalk as they went away. I have had no other success that pulled at my heartstrings like that one.”

“The windy springs and the blazing summers, one after another, had enriched and mellowed that flat tableland; all the human effort that had gone into it was coming back in long, sweeping lines of fertility.”

“If there was a road, I could not make it out in the faint starlight. There was nothing but land: not a country at all, but the material out of which countries are made.”

War of the Worlds

Rating: Two Stars

Very short novel that didn’t convey any deep meaning or instill deep identification or sympathy with the characters. Forgettable.

A Tale of Two Cities

Rating: Four Stars

I would have rated Dickens’ classic novel with five stars if it weren’t for his style in use of language. Something about the way he wrote causes difficulty in reading comprehension; I often found myself rereading sentences or paragraphs to discern what was happening in the scene or what the characters were trying to convey with their speech. Aside from the language style, the novel holds up brilliantly on all other aspects to be judged. The characters are strongly developed, the descriptive narrative paints the picture of scene well, and the plot is engaging. It’s also a happy bonus for me when the story teaches a moral lesson in parallel with the narrative unfolding and that is just what AToTC accomplishes. It speaks volumes on revenge, mob rule and sacrificial love.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Rating: Two Stars

The quality of writing in this novel is sophomoric and it shows in the dialogue and the descriptive text. Might be a good simple read for children but there are much better novels for adult consumption.

Restaurant Guy Savoy (Las Vegas) Review

2011-06-28T21:32:00.000-04:00

I had the opportunity to dine at Guy Savoy in Vegas during the early weeks of April when I was attending a work conference. I returned home with a souvenir menu and lengthy notes on the experience which I’ve now laid down in print for my readers.

I ordered the Menu Prestige ($298 per person before tax, tip, or beverages) which was a culinary journey through the following starters and courses that I’ve detailed below. Overall it was a pleasant experience but given the menu pricing versus the technical execution of the dishes I don’t believe the value is there for the customer as compared to The French Laundry, Per Se, Citronelle or Le Cinq (my favorite fine dining experiences to date). I did like the creative touch of pairing each course with a signature bread the way other restaurants pair with wine but that is not enough to justify the pricing. Also the silverware was scratched up and the service was nowhere near as smooth and beautifully choreographed as at Le Cinq in Paris.

A note about my rating system:

5/5 = OMG, ecstasy! I would shank a hobo for this (to quote a good friend)

4/5= I would order this again

3/5= I would not order this again, but would eat it if it were served to me without much complaint

2/5= I would not order this again and would only eat this if served to me to be polite

1/5= I could not bear more than one or two bite of this, even when trying to be polite

0/5 = Bring this near me and I’m going to puke on the table

Starters:

a.) Foie-Gras Club Sandwich

Rating: 5/5

Desc: foie-gras layered between toasted bread slices

Comments: Absolutely amazing. Just the right flavor and texture balance between the creamy foie gras and the crispy toast. Comparable to what I’d expect to find at Keller’s restaurants.

b.) Parmesan Waffle

Rating: 3/5

Desc: mini waffle studded with parmesan

Comments: Meh. Unique idea, but didn’t knock my socks off.

c.) Parmesan and Truffle Steak Tartare Slider

Rating: 4/5

Desc: a mini burger that was seared on edges only

Comments: I’m usually shy with raw beef, but this had enough punch in flavor to carry me through. Probably couldn’t handle more than a slider though without becoming overwhelmed by the intensity of the dish.

d.) Crispy Fennel and Cold Fennel Broth

Rating: 3/5

Desc: a simple soup with a very strong fennel flavor topped with more fennel

Comments: The soup was presented in a beautiful porcelain cup which hid underneath the tiny cup the scallop starter listed below. The porcelain was designed by Anne Xiradakis and you can view her portfolio of work (including the Guy Savoy piece) here: http://www.annexiradakis.com/us/main.htm

e.) Scallop Tartare with Dill and Balsamic

Rating: 5/5

Desc: a small bite of scallop with pungent dill flavor and sweet balsamic notes

Comments: This was simply fabulous. Fresh and clean and tasting of the ocean with a sweet finish thanks to the balsamic.

Courses:

1. Mosaic of Milk Fed Poularde, Foie Gras and Artichoke, Black Truffle Jus

Rating: 10/5 (I’d shank several hobos!)

Desc: cold terrine of foie gras with artichokes buried within, topped with a rich earthy truffle sauce, sprinkled with sea salt and fresh pepper; this course served with bacon and sea salt brioche (4/5 for the bread)

Comments: Hands down one of the best things I’ve ever put into my mouth. The sweetness of the artichoke playing off the richness of the foie gras. My mouth waters as I think about this dish. Would LOVE this recipe.

2. Garden and Oyster

Rating: 3/5 (garden); 1/5 (oyster)

Desc: thinly sliced raw vegetables (carrots, beets, etc) and tiny microgreens with ocean vinaigrette and oyster shooter in a shot glass; this course served with seaweed bread (3/5)

Comments: The oyster shooter was incredibly salty. It was just those moments when you accidentally swallow ocean water with a slight hint of oyster flavor. The microgreens were so adorably tiny – want to find a source for this ingredient. The presentation was unreal and I can’t wait to replicate this aspect for a dinner party: The salad was served on a plate dotted with holes across the bottom. A shallow pasta bowl lay underneath the plate. For the flashy finish a mini pitcher (similar to cream servers) was tilted over the dish, letting a liquid spill into the pasta bowl. As soon as the liquid hit the bowl it began to vaporize. The waiter dubbed it ‘cold steaming’. His technique is allegedly proprietary but I’m guessing it involves slivers of dry ice already in the bowl awaiting the water.

3. Crispy Sea Bass with Delicate spices

Rating: 4/5

Desc: small portion of sea bass poached in a sauce infused with vanilla, ginger and coriander with scales intact for a ‘crispy edible finish’; this course served with lemon bread (5/5)

Comments: Would have been a 5/5 if the scales were removed; I wasn’t fond of the plastic textured finish of them. The poaching sauce was like nothing I’d ever tried before and I’d never think to combine those flavors normally, especially with fish. Will take some experimenting to replicate the dish (sans scales of course) but I’m willing to work at it. Update: recipe found here (score!): http://sobefestcookbook.com/?p=113

4. Colors of Caviar

Rating: 1/5

Desc: layered in a shot glass; vinaigrette, caviar cream, black caviar with truffles, green sauce, osteria caviar, sabayon; this course served with ciabatta bread (3/5)

Comments: Although I love love love Osteria caviar, the black caviar with truffles layer in this dish ruined it for me. It tasted like fishy black beans and permeated the rest of the dish.

5. Foie-Gras “en Papillotte” and Radish Bouillon

Rating: 1/5

Desc: foie gras cooked under pressure (sous vide) in plastic bag and presented on hot stones for initial viewing before taken back into kitchen for plating and serving; this course served with multigrain bread (3/5)

Comments: I started to worry when the waiter first brought out the whole foie gras- it looked exactly like what it was- a liver. I hoped it tasted better than it looked (I’d only ever had cold foie gras pate or terrine until now and enjoyed it). Unfortunately I discovered with this dish that I do not like foie gras served warmed. The texture was unpleasant to my palette. I took only two bites before I couldn’t stomach any more. The wait staff took my plate away once it was apparent I was not going to eat it. Given the price of the menu, I’d hoped they’d offer me something else but it was not to be. I became a bit judgmental at this junction because at Citronelle and other fine restaurants I have seen the chef come tableside to receive feedback on a dish sent back to the kitchen and offer to replace it with something else. Here they seemed only disappointed that I put an entire foie gras to waste. *shrug*

6. Artichoke and Black Truffle Soup, Toasted Mushroom Brioche, and Black Truffle Butter

Rating: 2/5

Desc: a large portion of earthy rich truffle soup

Comments: The earthy flavors of this dish punched me in the face; I felt like I was eating dirt.

7. Roasted Poussin, Black Truffle Potatoe Puree, Seasonal Vegetables Braised in Poussin Jus

Rating: 4/5

Desc: small portion of roasted chicken with rich truffle laced mashed potatoes and baby carrots; this course served with chestnut bread (3/5)

Comments: Restaurant week menu (biannual event in major metropolitan cities where $100 dinners are bargain priced at $35) good; not Thomas Keller good.

8. The Vegetable

Rating: 2/5

Desc: mushroom gelee with cooked and raw carrots with a carrot consommé.

Comments: Meh; pretty tasteless. Also, no bread pairing? Maybe the bread guy was busy?

9. Selection of Fromages Affines

Rating: N/A – skipped

Desc: a rolling cart of fine cheeses was presented

Comments: I passed on this course despite their multiple attempts to push cheese on me. Much smaller selection than Le Cinq.

9.5 Unannounced Intermezzo: Lemon Sorbet atop Celery Granita and Rose Gelee with Petals

Rating: 3/5 (sorbet/granita); 2/5 (rose gelee)

Desc: as listed in the title

Comments: Ho hum.

10. Strawberry Rubarbe

Rating: 3/5

Desc: cold rhubarb sauce with basil granita and strawberry sorbet

Comments: Good flavor but nothing remarkable.

11. Chocolate fondant, Crunchy Praline and Chicory Cream

Rating: 5/5

Desc: layers of rich chocolate with crispy nutty praline and cream infused with chicory

Comments: Le Kit Kat (Citronelle signature dish) done even better than Citronelle. YUM.

11. Dessert Trio to Accompany Tea: Apple Tart, Nuts with Chocolate and Cranberries, fruit muffin

Rating: 3/5 (tart); 4/5 (chocolate nuts); 3/5 (muffin)

Desc: as listed in the title

Comments: An average note to end out the menu.

Here is a review with pictures from another blogger who was served many of the same dishes that I was: http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/2011/03/11/march-11-2011-vegas-day-4-restaurant-guy-savoy/

Trip Report: Iceland 2011

2011-06-06T23:39:00.000-04:00

Thursday 6/2

Jonathan has always wanted to visit Iceland and so once Delta announced they would begin flying to Reykjavik he scooped up tickets for us.

We left for Iceland on Thursday, one day after Delta began their flights to Reykjavik. It’s always a gamble to fly during the inaugural week of a new route especially when paired with a new ground crew. Our outgoing flight was well piloted and smooth but the lead flight attendant for our cabin (couch; economy comfort) was completely unprofessional. A rowdy crew of good looking thirtysomething gents were seated in our area, en route to a bachelor’s weekend in Reykjavik. The lead personality in the group immediately started flirting heavily with our attendant and she was quite visibly flattered. This caused her to be distracted which only led her already poor service to slip even further. She didn’t smile at any of the customers except for the bachelor group; she gave short and snippy answers; she didn’t acknowledge the medallion members and she threw attitude our way when Jon called her on skipping him for lunch. Because of her inappropriate interaction with the bachelor group she endangered passenger safety- a couple members in the group drank past the point of intoxication and not only did she accommodate that but she turned a blind eye while they continued to serve themselves wine from the FA’s prep area. At one point while the lead FA was serving customers in the back of our cabin, the drunkest of the bachelor group got up, moved over to the plane exit door and started touching things. He was trying to look through the little window and I watched him in a bit of panic wondering if he’d try to open the door handle that his hand was getting closer to. People do stupid things when they’re drunk. That was all just a little too much, so I was *that girl* who complained to the FA in the business class cabin. She immediately secured the wine out of reach from the rowdy bunch, ordered them to sit down, and went to have a word with the lead FA. It got a bit quieter after that- forced to sit down the gents fell asleep. Unfortunately I didn’t get much sleep myself, so I went into our first day of sightseeing very tired.

Friday 6/3

Once we touched down in Reykjavik, we were off quickly through immigration (no questions; just a quick stamp and nod) and then to pick up our rental car for the day’s adventure. A chilly day (coming from spring on the American east coast) greeted us. With the weather in the upper 40s it was definitely sweater weather. The plan for the day was to tour the region of Iceland know as the Golden Circle. It’s a circular scenic auto route leading from Reykjavik onto Þingvellir, Geysir, and then Gullfoss before returning to Reykjavik. The total drive time is about five hours, but it’s broken up by stops at the scenic points. The more we drove, the more I remarked how much Iceland reminded me of the American southwest with its wide open spaces, distinct lack of trees, low height vegetation and endless sky.

Along the way we stopped at a random gas station to try a famous culinary creation: Icelandic hot dogs. A blend of lamb, beef and pork (as compared to American all beef or beef/pork blends), it’s typically topped with fried onion strings, thousand island type dressing, ketchup, raw onions and mustard. I had mine ‘Clinton style’ (so named b/c President Clinton had his served this way) with just fried onions and mustard. I really liked the crunch of the onions, but the dog itself was not to my liking.

First stop: Þingvellir

This was the site of Iceland’s first parliament (AD 930). The name literally means ‘Parliamentary Fields’. What’s quite unusual about the location is that it lies directly on the fault lines of the North American and Eurasian plates. Continental drift in action! A little too slow motion to see however- it’s separating at a rate of just a few centimeters per year.

Þingvellir fault lines

Þingvellir with river, church and mountains in the distance

Scenic view along the drive to our next stop

Second stop: Geysir

Geysir is the name Icelandic folk lent to the phenomenon observed in this spot whereby hot water and steam bursts forth from an opening in the ground, ‘powered’ by geothermal forces under the ground. Of course, we are all familiar with this phenomenon since the English word ‘geyser’ is derived from the Icelandic term. The original geyser, dubbed Geysir, has sadly fizzled out but another geyser (Strokkur) has taken its place as the main draw at this location. For Americans who have visited Yellowstone, the geysers and bubbling mudpots here at Geysir may be a bit less impressive, but the increased access is inviting. The Icelandic government is very hands off when it comes to public safety – it’s been said that there are so many dangerous natural elements within the country that the treasury would quickly bankrupt if an attempt to put up the requisite warning signs and guardrails was made. It’s pretty much everything at your own risk. This means you can get *very* close to the natural attractions such as the geysers; close enough to let them rain down on you – which is what several people did.

Strokkur geyser

Third Stop: Gullfoss

Gullfoss is one of the most famous waterfalls in Iceland. It’s quite lovely with its stair step configuration.

After our tour of the Golden Circle we spent the early evening relaxing in the famed Blue Lagoon geothermal spa. Probably the most unusual spa experience I’ve ever had. It’s a very large outdoor geothermal pool with a sandy bottom, an in-water bar and massage area, and buckets of white silica mud to be used by patrons for self-serve beauty masks. It’s conveniently located near the international airport, which made it an ideal stop on the way to return the rental car. The spa promises that the water is clean and rejuvenating (documented to clear up skin problems) and for the the most part I found that to be true. I did notice that if you dig your feet or hands into the sandy bottom you will pull back up human hair mixed in with the seaweed. I tried not to think about that after I made the unfortunately discovery when pulling up sand.

Blue Lagoon

Disaster struck just after returning the rental car at the airport. I had planned for us to take the Flybus shuttle from the airport to downtown Reykjavik and had carefully consulted the company’s schedule online. What I had failed to realize was that the schedule applied to the Reykjavik to airport route and not the reverse. For the airport to Reykjavik route, the shuttle *only* departs 45 minutes after each incoming flight. We had arrived at the airport to drop off the rental at 7pm, and the next incoming flight wasn’t until 9pm! As the taxi to Reykjavik is over $100, we decided to wait it out and take the next shuttle. We were tired, hungry, and so of course a lot of bickering ensued. Not the best moment of our trip.

Things quickly improved once we finally got into downtown Reykjavik. By now it was 10:30pm, but I felt energized by the daylight. As Reykjavik is close to the Arctic circle, the sun never sets in the summer. Apparently the rest of Reykjavik was energized by the extended daylight as well because most of the restaurants are open well past midnight and a lot of residents and tourists can be seen milling out and about at all hours of the ‘night’.

After checking into our hotel (Hotel Fron; cheap, spacious and friendly) we set out for the Seafood Cellar for dinner. Jon had chosen this restaurant based on its stellar reputation and it did not disappoint. We enjoyed their four course menu, savoring each course of Icelandic cuisine. The dishes reminded me of Thomas Keller’s work (Per Se, French Laundry, etc) in the way they captured flavor.

Walking back to the hotel (near 2am) from dinner I was struck with the sudden insight on how much context defines our everyday experiences. Many times I have seen drunken twentysomethings stumbling out of bars and clubs. Loud and uncoordinated they wind their way down the sidewalk, stopping occasionally to steady themselves or sometimes get sick. And of course the ladies are usually wearing a lot of heavy makeup and skin tight club dresses paired with heels. I tend not to really think much of any of it. Suddenly, when the actors and their costumes were transposed into daylight (because, again, the sun never sets) it all seemed ridiculous and theatrical.

Saturday 6/4

The next morning, after entirely too little sleep, we were up bright and early at 6:30am to catch breakfast in the hotel before our pickup by Grey Line for their Southern Coast tour. I was really excited about the sights advertised on this tour but that didn’t stop me from falling asleep on the tour bus in between stops. That’s the nice thing about the lack of darkness – you can have a second chance to see everything on the way home if you’re on an out-n-back tour without worry of it getting dark. I’ll tell the tour story simply in pictures…

Scenic trickle of a waterfall along the route

Skógafoss waterfall

Sheep at play

Mesa

Lava field

Glacier

Bridge over the glacial river (meets the ocean just beyond)

Glacial lake

Iceberg

Aside from enjoying the sights, over the course of the day’s travel we learned a little more about Icelandic history from the tour guide and enjoyed another signature Icelandic dish – Lamb soup (which was fabulous; reminds me of Caldo).

After a full day of sightseeing we arrived back in downtown Reykjavik a little after 10:30pm and ventured out for dinner. Jon had picked out a Tapas joint – Tapas Barinn – and we both really enjoyed the cuisine. We had jumped in feet first to Icelandic cuisine the day before and loved everything so we threw all caution to the wind and all prejudices out the window on this evening and tried everything that was put in front of us, however controversial.

A large bread basket with hummus and olive tapenade was brought out first, to be enjoyed alongside the entire meal. Our first course was smoked puffin with a blueberry sauce. Puffin tastes a lot like fish crossed with duck. The meat is tender, but I found it to have a strong ‘gamey’ flavor and only the blueberry sauce made it acceptable. Next was Icelandic sea-trout with a roasted pepper salsa and it was exquisite. The third course was lobster tails baked in garlic and those were very similar to the crab claws we had in Madrid on our tapas crawl (very tasty!). Next they served duck breast in Grand Mariner – also very good. Our final course (here comes the controversy) was grilled Minke whale steak with cranberry sauce. It’s actually the best meat I’ve ever had; reminiscent of lamb and beef. I did a lot of research on the Icelandic whaling industry and I’m very comfortable with bringing whale to the table in the fashion they do (small harvests, efficient hunting and focused on a species of whale that is not endangered).

Full with gourmet deliciousness, we walked back to our hotel (at nearly 2 in the morning and again in daylight) and crashed into bed. We knew we needed to be up bright and early again for our departure from Iceland.

The return flight was smooth (very professional crew this time around) and the ground crew in Iceland was really top notch and focused on security.

We are looking forward to a return to Iceland again soon. It’s just a short 5 hour flight from JFK and Delta’s pricing is attractive. Next time we will take a few more days and explore Northern Iceland.

Trip Report: Germany 2010

2011-06-01T23:30:00.000-04:00

As a continuation of our Austrian Christmas Market tour in November, Jonathan and I spent two full days in Southern Germany. This area is traditionally referred to as Bavaria and it’s exactly what most Americans envision as the essence of Germany and what’s typically replicated in the German themed sections of American amusement parks.

We took the train in from Salzburg, arriving into Munich in the late morning. I had attempted to orchestrate everything in order that we might arrive in time onto Marienplatz (or Mary’s Plaza) to watch the famous Glockenspiel (town clock) perform at noon. The train schedules don’t simply bend to my wishes, so this meant most of the orchestrating involved hurrying ourselves along to quickly get to the town square (with our luggage still in tow) to watch the clock before transferring to our hotel for check-in. It was worth it. The clock performance recounts a famous wedding feast (coincidentally the history behind Octoberfest) and provides a dizzying array of movements. Really fantastic!

The movement starts at about a minute in

I really appreciate the efficient and orderly train operations in Germany. Everything runs on time and people are generally cordial. It was easy to make our way around town and our hotel was not far from one of the major stations. We stayed at the Hilton Munich City. It’s a fine Hilton property and made for a pleasant stay. Mostly business travelers, the hotel is quiet and features an elite lounge.

After a leisurely check-in we wandered back downtown to explore the sites. We made a stop at the highly acclaimed Die Munchner Suppenkuche (Schafflerstrasse 7) for an affordable soup lunch. Jonathan lucked out with a tasty selection while mine (some sort of hot dog soup) proved disappointing.

We took to the streets again and traipsed across MarienPlatz (very beautifully decorated for Christmas), visiting New Town Hall, Old Town Hall, St. Michael's, Frauenkirche, and St Peter's. St. Peter’s was the most rewarding stop as we were able to climb to the very top of the bell tower for a spectacular view of the city. Overall I found the city to be lovely, but not quite as endearing as Vienna or Salzburg.

Town Hall with Clock Tower

Pig parts! uh, mmmmm?

Beautiful cathedral interior of Saint Michael’s

View of Munich from the top of St Peter’s

Dinner was at Hofbrauhaus (Sausage city!) and while I can’t remember exactly what I ate I do remember I wasn’t too fond of it. It was probably about then that I reconfirmed my prejudice against German Cuisine. Beer and sausage overload! One day into it and I was already wishing for something better (maybe a nice Italian entree or something Thai and spicy). The good news is that if you *do* happen to enjoy German food and beer (you freak you) Hofbrauhaus has opened up several locations in the United States and serves much the same authentic menu as they do in Munich.

Hofbrauhaus

Our second day in Germany was spent on a Castles of Bavaria tour hosted by Viator (http://www.viator.com/tours/Munich/Royal-Castles-of-Neuschwanstein-and-Linderhof-Day-Tour-from-Munich/d487-285016). Hands down one of THE best tours I’ve ever booked. Nine tenths of its awesomeness was attributable to our tour guide Ursula. Her German accent was thick and her expressions and mannerisms were unforgettable. Over and over again she would play this verbal game which never failed to elicited uncontrollable giggling on my end:

1. Share an interesting bit of trivia relevant to whatever we were looking at

2. Ask in a heavily accented tone, “Can you imagine?” (pronounced KHAN U EMAAAAADGE-GIN)

3. Pause

4. Announce, “Yah, yah, you can imagine!” (pronounced YUH YUH U KHAN EMAAAAADGE-GIN)

Oh I just loved Ursula! There was also her classic line, “Velcome to our Vinter Vonderland and thank you for wisiting”. WISITING!!! Is it in poor taste to poke fun at the German accent? It’s just so adorable…

The first stop on our tour was Linderhof castle, which was built by the very famous Mad King Ludwig II.

Jenni adorns Linderhof

Swan Lake at Linderhof

If the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe were recast in Germany with Jenni in the lead…

I really feel for the poor chap Ludwig II. He was very excited to be king and wanted to be a *real* king of the old order with power and dominion. Alas, he was born much to late in Germany’s evolution for such things and was reduced constitutionally to being a mere figurehead (such as Queen Elizabeth is in England today). So he consoled himself by building castles throughout the countryside where he would escape and fully immerse himself in his pretend kingdom where all subjects worshipped him and did as they were told. Linderhof was one of the first castles he built and it was pretty modest so the taxpayers didn’t really bat an eye.

The same could not be said for his next building project: Castle Neuschwanstein. This grand and glorious castle (just up the hill from his parents country castle) was the castle to end all castles. He fancied he’d build himself a castle in medieval style (probably because that was a time when subjects dutifully respected their king or perhaps because it appealed to his alpha-male decorating sense) and he spent his way through a good portion of the national treasury before the impoverished taxpayers had enough and called shenanigans. The castle was never finished, King Ludwig II came to a premature end and within a year the political leadership had turned the castle into a tourist attraction. It was *this* castle, by the way, that Walt Disney held in his mind’s eye when designing the Disney Princess Castle. Can you see the resemblance in the photos below? With the snow falling softly around it, it was truly an amazing site to behold. So beautiful!

Sideview of Neuschwanstein

Rearview of Neuschwanstein

Snowy Frontview of Neuschwanstein

Ludwig II’s boyhood home- his parents’ castle just across the hill

In between our castle stops we made a quick detour into Oberammergau, a small community famous for its woodcarvings. A nice stop but a bit of a tourist trap.

In Oberammergau some houses depict fairy tales

Woodcarvings

Other highlights of the tour included having to pull off the side of the road in a heavy snowstorm so that the bus driver could attach chains to the tires in order to make it up a steep hill (winter driving in southern Germany is not for the timid!) and my hot dog lunch fiasco. Let me tell you the crazy scam these Germans have got going on with their hot dogs! In the first place, they treat you like a pariah if you ask for ketchup on your hot dog. I’m not referring to fancy sausages here; I specifically mean what they call frankfurters and what we call HOT DOGS. In the second place, it’s not customary for them to serve these hot dogs with hot dog buns. GAH! There I am sitting down eagerly awaiting my lunch and I am presented with a bunless, ketchupless hot dog.

KHAN U EMAAAAADGE-GIN?

*pause*

YUH YUH U KHAN EMAAAAADGE-GIN!

Anyway, after the castle tour concluded we were dropped off in downtown Munich in the evening and spent an hour wandering through the Christmas Market on Marienplatz (fantastic!) before we found ourselves in desperate need of dinner. I didn’t know what I wanted except I knew I didn’t want German food. I was sausaged out! We were lucky enough to find a cozy Italian Osteria right near Marienplatz where the waiters spoke Italian and the food was amazing. Germany is now the only country I’ve visited where I’ve broken my rule about sticking to authentic local cuisine.

Scenes from Marienplatz Christmas Market

In summary:

German culture A+

German sightseeing A+

German Christmas spirit (they practically invented it): A++

German cuisine F-

Jane Eyre

2011-05-31T21:05:00.001-04:00

I recently read Jane Eyre and while I don’t have the time or motivation to write a full review let me just report that YOU NEED TO READ THIS NOVEL. It’s fantastic. It has a lot to say on Christianity and following the right path and trusting God. Trust me on this one. Unless you’re a man. This novel is really antique chicklit, so men may not find the romance and drama of the relationships intriguing.

Spring

2011-05-31T21:02:00.001-04:00

Spring will pass in less than 25 days. The spring of my 35th year. The spring of my 15th wedding anniversary. The spring of my father’s death.

Looking back over my entries I notice that they stopped soon after my father’s death and the only updates since have been more details on his death and a short note about a prior winter trip to Austria.

On my father

The first two months were very difficult. I was unable to make it longer than a couple of days without crying over my father’s death. This month there have been no tears but his death still hits me at unexpected moments. I’ll be in the car on the way to work and suddenly it occurs to me as if it were new information: my father is dead. Or I’ll be at the office in a meeting about to present and a voice inside reports with panic: my father is dead! I never know when it is going to bubble up and knock the wind out of me, but I’m learning how to deal with it. The guilt is fading (my mantra: I did my best to be a good daughter and where I failed him I have already asked God for forgiveness and it has been given to me. I will NOT continue to beat myself up) and the heavy sadness that sat on my chest for weeks is gone, so these sudden self-announcements that come hand in hand with a moment of panic are the only remnants of grief for me.

On my family

Jon and I passed our 15th wedding anniversary at Citronelle. It was lovely. We didn’t formally exchange presents this year as our trip to Bangkok (see below) was present enough for each other.

Jenna continues to hang on, elderly pup that she is – last summer I didn’t think she’d live to see this one so I’m happy to be proven wrong. Every season with her at her advanced age (15 this year) is a gift we treasure. Julia is as spoiled as ever and enjoys running multiple days of the week with Jon. She’s too rowdy to run with me and since he’s set her pace to omg_we_run_faster_than_a_speeding_bullet, she isn’t content to run at my pace any longer.

I’ve reconnected after many years with my older sister (Mom’s side) and so far so good. Positive sign: she doesn’t refer to me as her "half” sister and she doesn’t allude to my role in being born as stealing her parent as other siblings have done in the past.

On my fitness

I am a disgusting 10 pounds heavier than before the life-altering death of my father. GAH. I hate myself a little for this. I know that stress stimulates cortisol which leads to packing on the pounds but really this is ridiculous. I need to get back on track. I’ve gotten back in the groove with running (although my progress is slower than it was first time around) and have even signed up for a half marathon in August (perhaps a moment of insanity but I can walk sections of it if needed). One thing that has helped is that my best friend is also working a running program (c25k) and we’ve been able to run together here and there.

On my social network and travel

I jumped back into the social scene with both feet this spring. Restarted the meetup group (now the Beautiful Life), signed on to host a dinner party every Sunday, recruited a group of friends to conduct a bible study every week under my leadership, and started planning a lot more trips. On the calendar for the rest of the year so far: Iceland (this weekend), Maine, Tokyo, LA, Rome, San Francisco, Ohio, Seattle, Hawaii. Recent trips have included Bangkok, San Diego and a sailing day trip to Annapolis. I’ll be publishing trip reports on those destinations one of these days soon. (I still owe my publisher a trip report for Germany from last winter!) I’ve also been trying to carve out dedicated time to spend with each of my friends in rotation throughout the summer.

On my job

This is perhaps my upper end of the sandbag right now (I’ve always said it’s difficult to keep everything in my life going on the right track at once; it’s rather like a sandbag- you hold up one end and all the heavy sand falls to the other and that end slips out of your hands). I love my job; I love my management; I love my clients; I love the company I work for. I especially love all the opportunities for professional growth the company fosters. I had the chance to attend the SAS Global Forum in early April in Las Vegas as well as a training class for Senior Consultants at corp hdqrts last week. The networking, the training, the informational presentations and meetings- it’s all been fabulous. I feel so incredibly blessed to love each job that comes along exponentially more than the previous. CSC is a company I feel I could stay with for the rest of my career.

On things that are slipping

Keeping track of finances and keeping close after God’s will has been slipping a bit this quarter. My low end of the sandbags so to speak.

Austria 2010

2011-04-11T13:24:00.000-04:00

With all the drama in my life the first quarter of this year I neglected to post a link to my article on Austria. It’s my second (paid) published travel piece to add to my portfolio. I hope to build a solid portfolio and begin publishing in standard print magazines such as Budget Travel or Travel and Leisure.
The link is here:
A Three Day Excursion Into Austria

Daddy’s End of Life

2011-04-02T21:37:00.001-04:00

As I posted previously my father died on March 5, 2011. He was 82 years old and he passed exactly six months before his 83rd birthday.

This is the story of his death.

On a Wednesday in late February my father alarmed the staff at Manassas Adult Daycare (run by the Manassas Baptist Church) when he suddenly appeared non-responsive to their questions. He was rushed to the ER but presented responsive by the time the doctors saw him. They considered releasing him but opted for the conservative approach of admitting him for testing. Inside I was secretly relieved- a hospital admission would lead to a direct transfer to a nursing home upon discharge for rehab and then Daddy could get the professional caregiving support he needed.

Each day at home had been getting progressively more difficult. Dad complained more, demanded more and slipped in health a little more as we moved through winter. I was wounded so many times by his careless and biting remarks. He had one behavior that particularly frustrated me- he’d call me to come urgently to his room and when I got there he’d say he just wanted to see if I was listening or he’d say he forgot or he’d deny he called me. He did this often and if I stop whatever i was doing and run in each time he demanded he’d try to get up and end up falling and hitting his head on the wall, the bed, or the floor. I felt trapped and helpless and now with the hospital admission I’d be free. But as I started to think about the realities of a nursing home and the likelihood that he would be cared for physically but unloved- at least not loved to the same capacity that a child loves her father-I felt tremendously guilty. I wrestled with wondering if I was committing a grave sin to let him be shifted off to a nursing home before it was absolutely a necessity. Would he become depressed, feel unloved and shrivel up in spirit?

I sat with Dad as they admitted him as an inpatient and once he was settled in a hospital room I kissed him goodbye and told him how much I loved him and that I’d see him the next day. I also told him I was sorry I could not take better care of him. His response: I love you too. You’re doing the best you can, that’s all anyone can ask for. This was our last conversation; his last conversation with anyone.

A few nights just a day or two before this night he had called me into his room and directly challenged me to just spend time with him so I brought my laptop in and sat with him and worked while he slept or we’d both listen to the tv and talk a bit. One deep regret that I have now is that I didn’t pay more attention to how lonely he must have been. I was too busy being frustrated, feeling overwhelmed or defensive over his cruel verbal outbursts. I should have sat down with him for hours several evenings a week instead of leaving him alone in his room to listen to tv or sleep while Jon and I carried on with our lives in the rest of the house. Did I make him feel unloved and unwanted? I never stopped to consider the possibility at the time. I could have been a better daughter. I could have cherished every moment with him instead of viewing them as burdens. It was just so hard to actively love someone so repeatedly hurtful to me. Other guilt I carry: maybe if I’d been more invested in his health from an earlier point (prior to 2008 when I moved him here to the area care for him better) I could have staved off all or some of his medical problems. Did he really have Parkinson’s or was it just a side effect from years of statin drugs to treat cholesterol? Was there anything his doctors were missing that someone who loved him and could advocate for him might have been able to see? All my hurt and anger with him seems so unnecessary here in the abstract when he’s dead and I’m missing him. But I know that in the moment it was raw and churning and I just couldn’t get past all the little ways he found to hurt me. I *think* I’m a good person and that maybe this guilt is a side effect- I feel guilty for not being as unconditionally loving to someone, even when they are hurting and don’t “deserve” it. God unconditionally loves me; I should be able to put myself aside and unconditionally love others and comfort them. To be fair to me, I did give a lot in the face of his abuse but I still wish I’d given more of myself. Maybe I could have kept him from dying through sheer will of love alone. I don’t know.

The morning after his admission, a doctor from the hospital called me to advise Daddy had fallen unconscious early in the morning due to low blood pressure. They were trying to discover why. They thought it might be because I’d taken him off his irregular heartbeat meds (more guilt! His regular doctor had him on some many meds, some that conflicted with each other and many with terrible side effects. Sometimes over the years doctors would put him on a med for something intending it to be temporary and then he’d switch doctors and the new doctor would never bother to take him off of the med or re-evaluate whether he really needed it. I decided if we were going to rule out drug side effects and interactions as the cause of his swallowing problems of late that I needed to take him off everything but the known safe essentials like his aspirin regimen and blood pressure meds- and he had no documented history of irregular heartbeat. When his heartbeat was “made” regular again with irregular heartbeat drugs but his pressure still didn’t come up they realized his non-sinus rhythm was actually a side effect of something else and not the cause of his problems. (A little bit of guilt relief for me there.) They ran bloodwork and discovered he had a severe UTI that had migrated to his blood. More guilt: maybe it was something in the way we toileted him.They assured me UTIs are very common in the elderly regardless of toileting habits (my guilt eased slightly). The doctor said he must have been in excruciating pain. And more guilt: why why why hadn’t I thought to ask him if he was in pain while peeing?

They didn’t expect him to live through the night. A priest was called in to do last rites and I fell apart completely. Everything was crazy! How could this be happening?! Daddy always said he was going to live to 120! I called mom (still in the nursing home recovering) and told her. She in turn fell apart. Friends came to support us at the hospital.

Dad miraculously pushed through the night but his blood pressure dropped to critical levels several times. They had to intubate him and put him on a ventilator to help him breathe in order to keep him alive. They also had to pump his body full of dangerous meds to raise his blood pressure that they warned could cause organ failure. By Friday night they had cultured and isolated the specific bacteria: E Coli. They began targeted antibiotic treatment for it. His organs had already begun to fail and it was still a very poor outlook. And then…and then…he pulled another miracle out of his hat and pulled through after a few days. My God, he surprised everyone and pulled through! This entire time he had been nonresponsive and unable to speak but now…BUT NOW he could squeeze my hand when I asked him to and his white blood cell count was back down to normal.

With the infection gone and his blood pressure stable the doctors began to look for the expected cognitive improvements in responsiveness. There were none. They removed the tube- he could breathe on his own now- but he could no longer swallow at all or speak at all or move much. He eventually stopped squeezing my hand also. My heart sank.

The doctors were stone faced when they said he would likely never recover his full brain functionality. Because he was not able to swallow and not a candidate for a permanent feeding tube (too much risk of death, infections, or other complications) he would eventually die from lack of nutrition if he did not begin to show cognitive improvements that would enable him to eat before the temporary feeding tube had to be removed (you can only keep temp tubes in for a short time before they cause major problems). What a terrible and slow way to die. I was devastated. We moved him into hospice at the doctors recommendation and waited. It was sickening. Doctors advised that his organ failure was increasing and he’d likely die from this long before he died from starvation. His liver and kidneys were close to total failure. He stopped producing urine. His platlet count dropped and so he was also at risk for bleeding to death internally.

At home I researched EVERYTHING I could get my hands on to find a way to save him. Medical journals, countless articles on the internet, just everything. I worked tirelessly for almost two days straight. There had to be something the doctors missed; another miracle. I found nothing. I was furious- at God, at doctors (doctors are supposed to save people…this is the damn 21st century, doctors aren’t supposed to tell you there is nothing they can do).

It had now been a week since he’d gone into the hospital and they gave him less than two days to live. He pressed on in hospice. He pressed on. He pressed on. Three days later his organs were close to full recovery. The doctors said it was another unexpected turn of events but that I shouldn’t hold out hope for overall recovery of his person. What a rollercoaster! He squeezed my hand once again. He tried to speak! I just prayed he would continue to improve and regain his ability to swallow and maybe he’d prove everyone wrong and make it. I dared to hope in the face of the doctors skepticism. I DARED TO HOPE. I prayed God would save him.

Now that it was obvious he might not die quickly, or even that he might not die at all in the near future, the hospice and hospital began pressuring me to take him home since his medicare benefit had been used up and he no longer qualified for acute hospital care since he was medically stable and needed custodial care (think nursing home) and not urgent treatment. Every day in the hospital was costing the hospital money that they could not get reimbursed for from medicare. But Daddy had no money for a nursing home and his medicaid app was still in process so no nursing home would take him. And we certainly couldn’t care for him at home in his condition so I refused custody of him. It was round after round of implied threats from hospice that I HAD to take him home or else and it was a nightmare. I eventually got the media involved and some health care policy experts to advise me on what the hospice could and could not legally do with regard to releasing him to the curb.

The battle with the hospice became irrelevant by the next morning (Friday March 4th). His oxygen levels and blood pressure started dropping again. It wasn’t lack of nutrition (takes longer than 3 days of not eating) and it wasn’t his organs. The doctors called me near 6am and told me to get to the hospital quickly. I took the day off from work and spent the entire day at his side. I thought I was ready on Friday to say goodbye. I felt so peaceful and the day was beautiful. I could feel the presence of God or angels with us. I was ready for the big dramatic cinematic moment when he would breathe his last breath. I watched the rising and falling of his chest and at times nodded off to sleep to its rhythm. I noticed that his exhalations became longer than his inhalations and he began to fidget restlessly (its called terminal agitation and happens for everyone near death). Although he rallied a few times that day he died early Saturday morning in his sleep.

When the hospital called me Saturday morning with the news I fell apart again. I was so angry with Dad. WHY did he die when I was away from him for the night when I tried so hard to be a good daughter and be there with him all day Friday so he didn’t have to go through it alone? Within an hour I was at the hospital staring at his corpse. Literary Elly May and her husband accompanied me as did Jonathan to face my first dead body (I am forever grateful.) It is so unnerving to see a body unanimated- no breathing- perfectly still. I kissed and hugged his lifeless body; his face already cold.

And we left. And I wept. And I ate. And I wept. And I slept. And I wept. And the whole next week was just a blur. It all seemed unreal; like a bad dream I constantly prayed I would awaken from.

And then there was the memorial service (I published my eulogy a few posts down) which went well overall except the part where one of my estranged sisters started yelling at me in the church lobby. We are a complicated family.

I am so blessed to have the circle of friends I do who have been there for Jon and I though it all. It’s been a long road.

Previously when persons have mentioned that someone had died I always said I was sorry. Now when someone makes such an announcement it has deep profound meaning and I ache for them because I understand what they feel. It’s a kind of wisdom I wish I’d been able to stay ignorant of forever.

Daddy

2011-03-09T14:52:00.001-05:00

These are the words I spoke today at Daddy’s memorial service. My Uncle Lu then reflected on his memories of Daddy as well.

Daddy was born an ordinary man. And like all men he wrestled with his sinful nature. But Daddy was also a believer and the promise for believers is clear: when this mortal life draws to a close our sinful natures are cast off and what remains is our godliness; our love. So I want to tell you a little about the godliness I met in Daddy and leave his sinful nature on the ground where its been shed as I find it totally irrelevant to his current conditions.

As I mentioned, Daddy was a believer. I cannot remember a time before I knew of God; Daddy worked to instill knowledge of our father in heaven within me from the beginning. He and my mother raised me in the church. Angels and demons, the afterlife, and the nature of God were frequent discussion topics between us. Daddy’s belief brought hope to those around him.

Daddy was a teacher. He spent hours with me tirelessly reviewing algebra problems the summer after my 8^th grade year. He taught me how to cook (in case I got married he said) and he taught me how to change a tire (in case I didn’t get married). He taught me what he knew of the world and science and he was always patient in his instruction. Daddy’s teaching brought those around him a base of knowledge to build on.

Daddy was a motivator. He believed that everyone has been gifted by God with precious talents and gifts and he pushed me to succeed in those areas. His aim was always high (perfection) but it kindled a fire within me to strive for the best. I credit my professional accomplishments first to God and second to Daddy. Daddy’s motivation brought those around him success.

Daddy was a brave defender. He served in the Air Force. He was always ready to stand up to anyone who might harm others. I remember one incident that is burned into my memory forever: elementary school, spending time at Mama and Papa’s (again my grandparents home across town . Suddenly a woman is at the screen door off the kitchen in an instant, crying and begging for help. Her boyfriend was chasing her, with a gun, and threatening her. Without any hesitation Daddy let her inside and told us to call the police and go hide in the other room. (Of course I snuck out and watched and listened). The sweaty man came to the door, waved his gun around and demanded Daddy let him in. Daddy didn’t flinch. He refused, even after the man said he would shoot Daddy if he wouldn’t either let him in or send his girlfriend out. Daddy didn’t move and told the man he’d have to shoot him. Did I mention Daddy is stubborn too? The police came eventually and carted the man off but I hold fast to this memory of Daddy’s bravery. Daddy’s bravery brought those around him peace.

Daddy was a hard worker. He worked tirelessly for the federal government from the date of his military discharge until his retirement in 1985. He was the fix it man around the house, crawling up on the roof to change the a/c filters in NM in the hot sun or helping Mom roll out fencing in the dog kennels. He took on odd jobs (security guard) after retirement in his 60s to help pay for the expenses that come with raising a teenager. Daddy’s hard work brought those around him security.

Daddy was a storyteller. He had a flair for the dramatic which I’m proud to say I’ve inherited. His stories captivated and enthralled me and it was easy to listen to him. Every year around this time Daddy would tell me the grand story of my birth (I happened to be born in a historic blizzard) and when he told it, it was an epic, it was the most dramatic birth in history (following the birth of Jesus of course). Daddy’s stories brought those around him joy.

I hope that as time passes, those of you who knew Daddy will continue to find comfort in the ways he reflected godliness. And I have such joy in knowing that the parts of Daddy which were hurting and which hurt others are gone as Daddy has been made whole and perfected in Christ with his passing.

My Father Died This Morning

2011-03-05T21:20:00.001-05:00

…and tonight I go to bed hoping I will awake tomorrow and find it was all a bad dream.

Funny for the Day

2011-02-23T11:34:00.002-05:00

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “u know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Book Review: Power, Faith, and Fantasy by Michael Oren

2011-02-23T08:30:00.001-05:00

Why I chose this book

As noted in my last book review entry, I am working my way through three distinct volumes on Middle Eastern history, each focused on a different cultural group whose interests were or are entangled in the region – native Muslims; Americans; native Byzantines. Oren’s book centers on American involvement in the region as seen from the American point of view from the time of our nation’s founding through the present age.

Book recommendation: Buy

Recommendation Justification:

This book is long (over 600 pages) and at times tedious and dry as compared to Ansary’s work which I reviewed yesterday. While Ansary covered over a thousand years in less than four hundred pages, Oren devotes the same page count for just the first hundred years of the history he is presenting. Still, the knowledge gained from a focused reading makes it well worth the effort. To this end, I suggest reading no more than a few chapters a day to keep from feeling overwhelmed with facts and details. Delving into Power, Faith, and Fantasy provides a strong alternative viewpoint to Ansary’s tale of Middle Eastern drama that helps round out the full picture of the region and its power players.

Plot Summary: (Spoilers Ahead!)

Oren opens the book on the coattails of America’s birth and sets out straightaway to chronicle the draw of the Middle East on American hearts. Despite the ongoing troubles with the pirates of the Barbary Coast (a cat and mouse game that went on for years until the US broke the European tradition of bribing and ransoming and employed instead some old fashioned ass-kicking), wave after wave of American missionaries and adventure explorers set out for the Middle East. Their hearts were filled with exotic visions of amazing landscapes, exciting natives (who would fall easily into the call of Christ) and indulgent experiences. Instead they usually found the landscape to be barren, hot, and torturous, the natives to be wholly alien to their American sensibilities and unwilling to convert, and the experiences to be lacking the richness of their fantasies.

Plans to Christianize the region during the first hundred years of American history failed spectacularly and squabbles broke out between embittered US missionary financiers (including the federal government) who wished to wrap up unsuccessful evangelism projects and the bleeding heart missionaries who insisted that serving the poor, treating the sick, and educating the masses would eventually bear fruit (and if not it was still the Christian thing to do). While many missionaries and a few adventures fell deeply in love with the region’s people, most American visitors (and residents living back in the States) held the entire region to be an uncivilized people of ‘backward’ thought and deed. The cultural and religious differences created a gap that proved difficult to bridge for all but the most determined. In addition to our missionary and business ties to the Middle East, the United States successfully forged significant political alliances with the Egyptians and the Ottoman Empire (the Turks) ensuring good relations and trade between us and these political entities.

Eventually Britain charged into the region with guns a blazing to descend on Egypt (using the excuse of Egyptian debt) and Americans were torn. We had fought the English about a hundred years before and in our hearts we felt the whole world deserved the freedom we built America on. On the other hand…we had displaced plenty of Native Americans (‘Indians’) in our westward expansion and were in the middle of acquiring Hawaiian and Caribbean territories and shutting out the cries of those natives in the process…so we really weren’t in a position to take the higher moral ground. In addition, many Americans secretly (or sometimes not-so-secretly) pontificated that perhaps our distaste for imperialism needed to be balanced against the ‘good’ of having civilized British Christians in charge of the Egypt in lieu of continued Muslim control. In the end, some notable Americans served (and even lead) the Egyptian military, American businessmen continued to do business in the country and of course our missionaries forged on with their work despite the British invasion. Meanwhile, the rest of the region remained under the control of the Ottoman Empire – at least for the time being.

A similar storyline repeated when the Greeks geared up for battle to assert independence from Turkish rule. In the abstract Americans supported a free and independent Greece, but the unpleasant reality was that public support would endanger America’s economic and political interests as we had worked hard to secure friendly relations with the Turks. The Greeks eventually won their independence absent our assistance.

While the Muslims of the Middle East were quibbling (at times fiercely) within their faith over theological matters and engaged in territorial disputes and the powers of Europe hungrily looked toward the region to follow after Britain’s lead in imperialism, Jews from all over the world began (with the encouragement of the United States) to keenly fix their eyes on Palestine and a return to their ancestral homeland in the face of mounting anti-Semitism cropping up around the globe. American missionaries had long viewed the restoration of Israel as a key goal in their Christianization of the Middle East. Well versed in scripture they viewed the return of the Jews to their homeland as the beginning of the glorious end foretold in Revelations. Still, there was not enough support for a worldwide coordinated movement of Jews to Palestine, especially given opposition by Arabs and Persians currently residing in the region and the reluctance of the Orthodox Jewish community to embrace a secular Israel engineered by man. For now, the Zionist movement would continue to grow quietly with only a slow momentum.

Despite America’s utter failure to ever impart our religious faith onto Middle Eastern Muslims (the conversion rate continued to be low and those that did convert typically left the region, setting out for the USA), we did manage to inculcate some of our civic ideals (independence, nation-state concept, etc) into the population through our education systems. American Christian missionaries were the leading providers of education throughout the region and in this regard were much more influential (and seen in a better light) than any European powers. These American civic ideals would have a profound impact on independence movements arising within Arab and Persian communities in the region over the course of the coming century.

Enter World War I stage left. The Ottoman Empire- with which America had forged innumerable state and economic ties - began to crumble as they sided with Germany in the great battle. Before they were beaten down into submission by Britain and France, the Turks managed to inflict torture and brutality on millions of Christian Armenians in the region in an attempted genocide. Americans were again torn between our ideals and our practical interests- we were aghast at the horrors the Armenians were suffering but we had deliberately stayed out of the war in the region up until that point. We were also concerned that if we intervened the Turks would interrupt our missionary work including our educational institutions, our medical services and our other acts of charity that were providing so much good to the Middle East. Many thousands of lives would be at risk, including the Americans administering these charities. Meanwhile, France and Britain were enlisting the native Muslim Arabs and Persians against their Muslim Turk overlords with promises of independence once the fighting was over. Of course it came out later in historical accounts that the European powers all along had planned to divvy up the war spoils amongst themselves and step in as the new overlords of the Arabs and Persians! There would be no independence. When the Arabs and Persians discovered this they were appropriately enraged. The US had great plans to support the independence movements of Arabs and Persians but we were shut out of the discussions held by the war winners (mainly France and Britain) as they did, indeed, divvy up the Middle East for themselves. Imperialism for the win.

Notwithstanding their interest in much of the Middle East, European powers mostly ignored the Arabian Peninsula, viewing it as worthless desert. Here in this area the Saudis had grouped themselves into a nation-state with a Muslim dictator at the helm. America began to cozy up to Saudia Arabia. We did this reluctantly at first as our distaste for dictators is strong, but once our appetite for oil was wetted (all our Fords coming off the assembly line needed fuel and our reserves were running low) and we discovered it within the borders of SA during joint prospecting efforts we fully embraced the Saudi government on a political and economic level.

Enter World War II stage right. As France and Britain had previously partitioned up the Middle East into his and hers, Germany moved in to take the area from them. The Turks (now limited to just Turkey) again went in with the Germans, the Saudis remained loyal to the America and the Allies, Palestine stood behind British defenses and most of the rest of the region was quite apathetic over the war. British and French overlords or German overlords, really what was the difference? Either way the vast majority of Arabs and Persians would not be free; hence, their lack of rooting for either side.

What did concern the Arabs and Persians however was the massive influx of Jews into Palestine from Europe as the holocaust progressed. There were numerous Arab revolts, riots, and general violence directed toward the Jews and in response to placate these ethnic group the British (who controlled Palestine) severely limited the immigration of Jews into Palestine. Jews in America pressed our political leadership to assert the right of Jews to settle in Palestine amongst the Arabs but again America was reluctant to get involved. American leadership knew that by siding with the Jews we would aggravate the Arabs and Persians and risk damage to our international alliances and economic interests. So many difficult foreign policy decisions to make; so many people to be hurt no matter which way America would decide. And of course there was a vocal anti-Semitism crowd within the US as well also poo-pooing the idea of helping the Jews in any visible format.

As WWII drew to a close and the body count of European Jews increased, America finally got on board with Jewish resettlement in the Middle East and began to gently (very gently) approach the Arab and Persian leaders on the topic while also pressuring Britain to drop the immigration restrictions (they did). The Arab/Persian response: The Germans mistreated the Jews so give Germany to the Jews, not Palestine. As America attempted to hammer out some sort of compromise for Jewish immigration in the Middle East, France, Britain and the USSR once again sat at the table and made plans to divvy up the Middle East (now freshly won back from Germany with America’s assistance) amongst themselves. Only this time, reluctantly heeding the cries for freedom and independence from the Persians (now Iran), the Moroccans and other would be nation-states, the Allies included withdrawal timetables for some of the region in their planning. To their credit, for the most part they abided by these withdrawal forecasts. Except for the USSR – they took an awfully long time to pull out and then almost immediately began to circle the wagons around the region again as the Cold War loomed.

The Jewish settlement question still loomed and even within America’s administration there was disagreement. To support a Jewish state would mean alienating Arab and Persians with whom we had economic and humanitarian ties. While we hemmed and hawed over the decision Palestinian Jews took matters into their own hands, forming a unified political structure and rising to fight with force for statehood, carving out formal borders and declaring themselves to be the nation of Israel. In turn, the United States formally recognized the country, drawing the ire of the Arabs and Persians as predicted by the US State department.

Meanwhile we continued our support of Middle Eastern nationalist movements. Sometimes the support was overt and vocal and other times we played puppet behind the scenes as we attempted to assist many of the region’s nations or territories in freeing themselves from European imperialist control. We championed freedom! We looked enthusiastically toward a free and democratic Middle East! Little Americas all over the region were envisioned, bursting with democracy and hope and economic abundance. Of course this angered our European allies who were reluctant to completely give up control of the region but eventually most of the Middle East managed to wrestle free of European domination. Things looked good for about ten seconds and then immediately started to unravel. These Middle Eastern nations were having trouble understanding our concept of freedom that we had assisted them in procuring. Freedom wasn’t supposed to mean installing a dictator or monarchy and oppressing your own people. Nor was it supposed to mean setting up alliances and weapons trading with American enemies such as the Soviet Union, giving them an edge in the cold war. It didn’t mean attempting to annex Arab nation neighbors to create a new empire for oneself. And it definitely didn’t mean forming a coalition with Arab and Persian neighbors to push Israel into the sea. Seems the concept of freedom was quite tricky.

Every time a newly “free” Middle Eastern nation attempted to do any of these things that flew in the face of our vision of freedom, America responded with a counter movement to undermine the action. If a nation was forming ties with the Soviets we would ingratiate ourselves to them by supplying arms and resources, but that required turning a blind eye to the oppression of their own people. If they attempted to annex neighboring countries, we’d step in militarily (or ask Israel to do it for us) and put a stop to it. If they attempted to attack Israel we offered Israel aid (but Israel was pretty good at holding their own, usually capturing enemy territory and keeping it after the fighting died down, increasing their country’s total land mass). If any country got too far out of line where we had trouble maintaining influence we would round up the CIA and maneuver a covert operation to take out the country’s leader and support a new one that was more conducive to our interests. Some American presidents took a heavy handed military approach to managing the constant drama of the region (a more Imperialist approach for sure) while others (I’m looking at you Carter) instead waxed poetically about harmony and love and mutual respect but were ineffectual in actually protecting American lives (or Middle Eastern lives even) and national interests.

The constant eruptions of violence in the region and the current of political instability interrupted the education, economic growth and general well being of its people. Multiple generations of Middle Easterners had grown up in this nightmare, embittered by the experience of constant suffering and hungry for resolution. Here comes Muslim extremism riding in on a horse promising to save the day. These “spiritual” leaders, crawling out of the woodwork from every quiet corner of the region channeled the anger and frustration of the people and directed it at non-Muslims, most notably Israel and America. The people forgot that America had stood by them less than a half century ago to cheer them on in throwing off the shackles of European domination; forgot that America had long provided comfort, care, education and aid through its missionaries dating back two hundred years. Instead they remembered the numerous times that America had giving aid to Israel and supported her statehood; remembered the frequency with which we had ignored their cries for justice when the leaders of their “free” country oppressed and brutalized them; remembered how we conspired to assassinate their leaders they backed when we disapproved of their actions. And in their remembrance, many of the people pledged support for the Muslim extremist movements. As most of these movements arose from the corners and were not orchestrated by the nations directly (although there is thought that they were secretly aided by the nations or worse by non Middle Eastern nations hostile to our interests such as Russia or China) their methods of warfare were crude and unconventional- suicide bombings, hostage torture, etc. America continues to battle these extremists today while still attempting to orchestrate our vision of freedom on the region as a whole.

Book Review: Destiny Disrupted: A History of the World through Islamic Eyes by Tamim Ansary

2011-02-21T12:57:00.001-05:00

Why I chose this book

With the escalations in terrorism and violence directed at Americans over the past decade that have originated in the Middle East, it has been an item on my to-do list for some time to dive into the history of the region. Toward this end, I picked up three distinct volumes concerning the Middle East- the first focused on its comprehensive history from the perspective of the Persian, Turkish, and Arab Muslims starting from the time of Mohammad; the second centered on American involvement in the region as seen from the American point of view from the time of our nation’s founding; the third revealing Middle Eastern history through the eyes of the Eastern Christians (Byzantines) who resided there after the fall of the Roman Empire. Perhaps in time I will also pick up a volume that channels the thoughts of the European powers who were heavily involved in shaping Middle East history. That will just about round out the story from every perspective.

Book recommendation: Buy

Recommendation Justification:

This book is a must read for any American who is seeking a solid understanding of the region and its people. In a welcome departure from typical dry historical accounts, Ansary’s book reads like a novel with suspense, high drama, and fast paced action in every chapter. I learned so much about the history of Islam, the ethnic/anthropological background on the Arabs, Persians, and Turks (and even a bit about the Far Eastern groups such as the Mongolians) and the history of the region as a whole, while being thoroughly entertained along the way. I cross checked Ansary’s ‘facts’ against other historical accounts and they hold up as reliable. Among the many Amazon reviews, the only criticism with regards to accuracy is that Ansary glosses over the depth of the slavery the populations he covers were engaged in. So noted and so agreed. Still, this oversight did not serve to fundamentally change my understanding of the region’s history or present a rosier glow on Islam. Ansary fairly documented enough additional atrocities that my opinions on the practical application of Islam were thoroughly cemented even before the horror of enslaving Christians and Hindus were called to my attention by other historical accounts.

Plot Summary: (Spoilers Ahead!)

What we gleam from Ansary’s story is that lofty ideals and visions of peace and unity are quickly dragged into the mud when mankind, holding a corruptive and sinful nature, attempts to put such ideals and visions into practice through sheer will alone. The history of Islam is a history of people who embrace, for the most part, the edicts and commandments of God and his call to service and love, but deny the deity of Christ and reject the Holy Spirit’s presence within them- without which no man can hope to honor God’s edicts and calls. The Muslim story begins with Mohammad who reported that God had directly spoken to him and given him guidance on how to live a more holy life of community. I do not doubt this to be true. It continues over his lifetime as he attempted to witness to others and assemble a group who would voluntarily strive toward God. He strived and strived and while he never dropped into the depths of corruption that later leaders of Islam would, he nevertheless failed to achieve his vision of community holiness in practice. Over the course of time, and throughout the succession of Muslim leaders there has been relentless quibbling within the faith, most notably:

1. Who is the authentic leader of the faith? When Mohammad died a council of elders elected one of his close associates as his successor to lead the community, but his son-in-law felt the role was owed to him. In later generations an entire faction of the faith would take up arms to defend the idea that the line of succession should have passed through Ali (the son-in-law). These are the Shiite Muslims. As the generations passed, more squabbles over who was most qualified to lead ensued, leading to additional separations among subgroups. Today there are several ‘denominations’ of the faith based on the question of leadership. Ansary provides a detailed account of the lives and actions of the Islamic leaders of the most notable Islamic ‘denominations’ over the history of the faith and readers will recoil with disgust in the level of corruption, murder, thievery of public funds and generalized rot exhibited by the succession of these leaders. This is true of even the honorable Muslim men who begin with the most promising character elected to lead the faith and is a solid reminder that no matter how pure the intentions, without God living in our hearts and without us turning over our lives to him and letting our own will die, sin will prevail. We cannot have two masters over our hearts. It is either God, or it is sin.

2. How do we live out our faith in practice and handle sin? Originally Mohammad called for Islam to be purely a voluntary community. Those that wished to take part were welcomed and those that didn’t were tolerated as outsiders. Those that chose to be in the community of faith would be held accountable to living a holy life. What it means to demonstrate a holy life has been redefined repeatedly as new edicts have been added and enforcement levels (along the scale from gentle correction to death penalties) have varied. Over generations the main branch of Islam (Sunni) and the various offshoots have waffled on their position with regard to freedom of faith. At times they’ve held to tolerance (with the exception of apostasy- to be a Muslim and then leave the faith has always been a grave sin and punishable by the community) and at other times they’ve taken up arms and attempted conversion by threat of life and limb (and made good on their threats). The concept of Jihad (holy war) for God has also evolved over the course of Islamic history- changing from a war waged within ourselves against sin to an external war waged against the enemies of God on earth (included other faiths and their adherents).

3. Is Islam just about rules and edicts and the self-will to be holy or is there something more to the community? Something mystic and a way of personal experience/interaction with God? It probably comes as no surprise to Christians that throughout the history of Islam, many adherents have longed for something more than simply a prescription for holy living that they can never attain despite their futile attempts to will themselves toward perfection. They long for an intimate and personal connection to God and an experience of unconditional love and grace. They want to get off the hamster wheel of attempted perfection that is getting them nowhere. Since Islam has no theological basis to facilitate such a connection and experience within its canon (Mohammad claimed to be merely a prophet and not a savior or bridge to God), some adherents and leaders have attempted to inject a mystical and personal element to the faith, promising euphoric connection with a loving God by following certain techniques and praying specific prayers. The mainline faith rejects such lines of thought and action as heretical yet many in the faith get pulled into these fringe groups by the draw of the promise for a personal connection.

In the midst of trying to sort out the questions of their faith, there has always been the additional question of Arab, Persian and Turkish ethnic culture differences and how to manage the impact of those competing outlooks and loyalties.

To further complicate things, eventually waves of successive interlopers from Asia and then Europe (and America as well) got into the thick of things, holding secret (and sometimes not so secret) meetings amongst themselves about how they were going to march in and divide up the region and about how they were going to manage the native residents and resources. In many ways and many times, the European powers behaved atrociously and only managed to exponentially increase the instability and turmoil in the region while doing great harm to entire groups of native Middle Easterners in the name of expanding Western power and ideology.

And how should the Muslim community interact with any overarching political structures within the region? This especially became relevant once the concept of independent nation states took hold and nations such as Iran found shape as European powers withdrew direct control. Religions that are much more focused on the individual (such as Christianity) can thrive in a political environment that makes no official religious endorsement but Ansary argues the entire point of Islam is a focus on the community which is hijacked if no central community can be established and formally backed by the state.

Clearly my perspective on the Middle East is shaped by my faith as a Christian and my identification with American political ideology. As I came to the end of Ansary’s book through my lens of bias, I reasoned that his report of history only further confirms the truth of Christian theology (we are all fallen and a faith lacking a personal connection to God and surrender of our will to Jesus and the Holy Spirit is destined to fall short and leave us bitter and advance the cause of evil in the world). It also confirms the rightness of our American commitment to democracy, free will, and the value of individuals (all of which provide a check and balance on sin and abuse of power).

As many of my blog readers approach life from faith perspectives and national identities that differ from mine, you will no doubt come to different conclusions than I have as you move through Ansary’s historical account. And that’s fine. Whatever the context of your particular bias, the facts of who, what, where and when presented by Ansary will add to your understand of the Middle East and give you the background needed to put today’s news headlines coming out of the region in context.

Family Matters

2011-01-15T10:20:00.001-05:00

My mother was discharged from the hospital to a local nursing home here in Manassas for 30+ days of recovery. She is just as demanding and thankless as ever when we speak on the phone and it is very difficult to hold my tongue and not unleash my anger on her. There is a lot of anger between us that I’m having trouble letting go of. This week Jon and I have to begin the process of closing down their apartment and putting things in storage until we know what Mom’s next transition will be (to a single apt in Manassas or to a long term nursing home situation).

It’s been exactly one week since Dad came to live with us. What I’m learning is that he has bad days and he has good days. Today, is a good day. He woke up with a smile and asked me what we are going to do today. This is a big departure from his often sullen and withdrawn demeanor. His motor skills are a bit sharper this morning also.

The big news with Dad is that after reviewing his medical records I have found out that he does not have Alzheimer’s. Originally when he began to present with dementia and other symptoms his primary care physician assumed AZ and sent him to a neurologist and psychiatrist as well for consults who agreed: must be AZ. However he continued to decline rapidly and started to show symptoms that were not associated with AZ such as a very specific type of hand tremor. He was referred to another neurologist who did a full work up on him last year and concluded he actually has Parkinson’s and not AZ. He also has the dementia that comes with mid to late stage Parkinson’s- and that is what can confuse doctors and lead them to misdiagnose as AZ.

We have a weekday routine going in our home with Dad: weekdays I get Dad ready and take him to the adult daycare center run by the Baptist church in town. He spends the day there interacting with others, receiving all sorts of therapy and then Jon picks him up after work in the evening. Some nights we all have dinner together and other nights Dad prefers to have dinner in his room. Eventually it rolls around to the time for Dad’s meds and bedtime and the day closes. The only kink in the routine to date is that last night Dad announced he does not want to go to the center anymore but wants to stay home alone or wants me to quit my job to stay home with him. Neither of which is possible of course. The center is doing a great job but Dad is just very stubborn and doesn’t like to interact with others.

Taking care of Dad is not like working for ARC where I was paid to be a caregiver. It’s not like taking care of a loved one who shows kindness and gratitude for my efforts. This is like taking care of a petulant bitter child and there is no compensation financially or emotionally for the work whatsoever. Whenever I get frustrated with Dad over his behavior (which can range from simple stubbornness to abject cruelty) or the difficulty in being a caregiver and want to wash my hands of the whole mess I try to lean on the scriptures that remind us it is an easy thing to love those who love us in return but that the heart of God is to love those who don’t return our affections or offer compensation.

I have shared with you in many past entries that I have long since wrestled with a stubborn selfish nature in myself that I despise. I see clearly that the exercise in letting go of that is to build a habit of doing for others without any compensation. So in that aspect, this situation with my father is proving ground for spiritual growth. On the other hand I know my selfishness still lurks around the corner ready to consume me again so long as I indulge in self pity and misery. I feel, honestly, that I’ve gotten a good handle on self-pity and that and am able to endure the misery of loving my enemies (or at least my father) without feeling sorry for myself. The truth is that many have much more difficult problems and misery in life and so mine is nothing to pity myself over. What I still don’t have a handle on is enduring miserable situations sans compensation without actually feeling miserable. If I were a really good Christian I would be able to give selflessly with joy. I haven’t gotten to that point of spiritual development yet. I want to be a woman after God’s heart, I want to love others selflessly and unconditionally, but to be straight with you it stings to give with nothing in it “for me”. It hurts in my heart to deprive myself for another the way it hurts when you pine for someone or something you can’t have or when someone has said something crushing. It makes me want to cry and I have to repress the little tantrum I am screaming inside my head whenever I have to sacrifice for another. Isn’t that terrible? It’s probably the biggest impediment in developing a selfless nature that I’ve come up against. When I put myself first or equal I feel a rush of pleasure from self-gratification but lots of guilt; when I put others first I know I am doing right but I feel misery in the denial of self-gratification. Does anyone else have this problem? I ask Jon (who I see give selflessly often) if it pains him to deny himself and he reports that it does not. I want to be like that. So although I am coming along slowly it’s clear I have a long road to go.

My Heart is an Arena

2011-01-12T15:08:00.001-05:00

Optimism takes a quick rest, unaware that the timer has started.

Despair creeps up.

A direct blow to the face and the fight breaks out! Optimism is quick to the feet in response.

"love your enemies"

“to hell with them all"
"God is with us"

“screw him too"

And so it continues.

Scratched, cut and bruised, in a front row seat, I'm soon wounded in their crossfire.

I root for optimism.
Hope shows up late to the scene,
taking a seat next to me.

Misery and hate jeer from across the grass.

The score is tied at the half and nobody knows how this is going to go down.

Collapsing Community

2011-01-06T18:46:00.001-05:00

I am too tired to string my thoughts on this matter into coherent paragraphs; please forgive the series of standalone statements.

My mother has been the primary caregiver for my father over the past few years while his health as declined.

We knew that eventually Dad would need to transition to a nursing home but it was always just that- an “eventually” thing.

My parents are in the Medicaid gap. They make too much for medicaid qualification but not enough to pay the costs of long term care on their own.

My mother went into the ICU on Tues, near death, from a sugar overdose (blood sugar = 750. 750!), leaving my father helpless.

My mother will not be released for the hospital for several days and even when she is she can no longer care for Dad; she is too weak physically. He is incontinent, cannot bathe, dress, or feed himself any longer.

A home healthcare agency is providing 24x7 custodial support in the home for Dad and has been since Tues. At $18/hr.

My parents cash on hand to pay for this service will run out by Saturday.

I found two ways to qualify my father for Medicaid despite his income (1.Miller trust [google it] 2.VA has more generous Medicaid requirements if you know the right forms to fill out). However it takes 45 days to process the Medicaid eligibility.

During the 45 days of Medicaid processing there is no help available. From any corner. No federal, no state assistance. I called social services and the Medicaid lady said it’s my responsibility as the adult child to pay for it. I told her even on my income we can’t afford 24x7 care for more than a few days. Her answer (paraphrased): *shrug* dem der da breaks. I called churches; multiple churches. Their answer: yeah, nothing we as a church can really do, did you try social services and the government? Really? REALLY? I always was told the church would be there as first line of defense in times of need. They have been before in easier ways; with rent money one month when we were poor; with food from the pantry when we were hungry. But taking care of the elderly: yeah, no. What is wrong with the church? Why the hell is the church turning people away and trying to shift responsibility to the government? Jesus, no wonder the democrats and socialists want the federal govt to make everyone contribute to the care of the poor and elderly: apparently left to their own devices the church will just sit on their damn hands while offering little more than a sympathetic ear. We tithe year after year after year to the church for God purposes; what they hell are they doing with the money if they can’t help the elderly? Are there no nurses in the church who can volunteer their time in shifts? I am so angry. There is no one. No one. I talked with work today about a leave of absence if I have to take care of Dad, but given my income it would cost more than if we just went into debt to pay for this 24x7 care and in addition the nurses have told me it needs to be a qualified nurse with him, not just a family member.

We are facing deep debt if we have to pay an agency at $18/hr x 24hrsx45days. I have no idea what to do and I am lost. So lost. And my parents have driven the rest of my siblings away; they will not assist in any way.

What happened to community? What happened to the church? And what is to become of my republican limited govt philosophy when it’s put in the ring up in the real world against the very real chance of death and suffering without a massive federal government to force people to help shoulder this burden?

Advent Failure/Christmastide Success

2010-12-27T14:51:00.001-05:00

So this year was going to be the year that our household went full throttle on Advent traditions. I planned the advent calendar. I planned the advent wreath. I planned the advent meals and fastings and weaving in all sorts of historic advent traditions.

And then we did none of that.

I was so busy and stressed (a good kind of stress) from getting used to new work hours, the commute and the job itself that I just couldn’t work up the energy to go gangbusters on Advent. The opportunities passed us by. We didn’t even have time to go to but one small Christmas party.

As far as Christmastide (i.e. the 12 days of Christmas which begin Christmas day and go through January 5th) and the Epiphany, we typically celebrate on Christmas day with the traditional presents and meal with family/friends and then hold an epiphany dinner on the 6th of January. The Epiphany Feast celebrates the coming of the Magi to the Christ Child.

This year I indulged in more research on the traditional celebrations of Advent & Christmastide in our Christian faith heritage and found out to my delight that celebrating over the *entire* Christmastide period is called for. As advent is traditionally a time for preparing for Christ with fasting, solemn prayers, etc, Christmastide is a time for celebrating Christ. You need more than just one day for such a glorious occasion, especially to balance out the quiet preparations of the heart over the advent weeks. Hence the TWELVE days of Christmas.

We are celebrating the 12 days of Christmas with a dinner party each evening in our home. On the second day of Christmas, we had two people at our table in total. Today is the third day of Christmas and we will have three people. And so it will continue through the 12th and final day of Christmas. Each meal will be fun and fabulous with a casual celebratory ambiance. We will still hold our traditional formal Epiphany feast on the 6th of January with the fine china, fancy food and high ceremony.

The older I get the more I find comfort and peace in Christian rituals such as these. Rituals should not substitute for faith but can add to our faith practice, pointing us toward God as we engage in them joyfully.

Yoga and the Christian Walk

2010-12-27T14:13:00.001-05:00

I don’t subscribe to the common thinking surrounding the practice of yoga.

Some eastern religious traditions use yoga in an attempt to empty the mind and quiet the thoughts. There is nothing in our Christian tradition that validates this as a desirable goal. God created us as active thinkers, not passive vessels that need to be emptied. There is no model of mind emptying in our scriptures and attempting to empty the mind leaves one more susceptible to brainwashing.

In India, yoga is prescribed as a method to facilitate communication with the Hindu gods. As Christians we are explicitly told to abandon the worship of false Gods and turn to the one true God only.

Many new age philosophy adherents claim that regardless of attempts to empty the mind or fix it on the supernatural during yoga, just by putting the body in certain postures and breathing in certain ways can open the physical body up to other dimensions/spiritual realms. This spiritual awakening is why they turn to yoga. A portion of conservative Christian leaders believe this to be true also and assert it is the reason why yoga should be shunned by Christians. We know there is no other god but ours, but there are demons they remind us, waiting to pounce.

The way I see it, there are three possibilities here with yoga movements and the supernatural:

1. The poses and breathing do open up a spiritual door to the Hindu gods.

2. The poses and breathing do open up a spiritual door where demons can creep in and influence our mind.

3. The poses and breathing do not open up a spiritual door, this was a misinterpretation of the physiological response that Hindus experienced. The yoga movements and breathing affect our neurological system in a way that other exercise does not. They do not affect our spirituality directly. If anything perhaps they open one up to a slightly more suggestive mental state (much milder than transcendental meditation) due to nerve interactions in the brain that could be manipulated but highly unlikely unless you actively practice brainwashing alongside in the form of chanting, emptying the mind, etc.

Obviously as a Christian I can reject the first possibility immediately as there is no other God but Jehovah. Even though some Christians (incl some I respect) hold to possibility two (yoga as a spiritual door) as truth, I just can’t find any evidence to support this. Therefore, with no facts to prescribe against it, I'm currently attending a weekly yoga class for the physical benefits (lower resting heart rate, increased flexibility,etc). I also use the yoga stretches before running to loosen up my muscles so that I don't pull something during running. I've never felt a spiritual door open and I've never tried to open one during yoga- to God or to anything else. I've tried to focus exclusively on the exercises themselves. Yeah my instructors sometimes spout out the typical new age nonsense during the class but I just ignore it the way you would when you hear undesirable advertising on the metro, on the tv, etc. No thank you, I don’t need your philosophy I have my own.

However, I’ve still been challenged on my yoga practice by other Christians who believe as I do: that yoga does not open any spiritual doors. They claim it still should be shunned. Why? They believe it could cause others to stumble on their Christian walk. Weaker Christians might not be able to shut out the spiritual claptrap the instructors typically try to impart (brainwash) during the session. One blogger said:

… the truth of the matter is that regardless of your intent, to the outside world you look like you are condoning yoga - all aspects of it. Your actions could very well be a stumbling block to others and causing others to fall into the trap of occultism, new-ageism and idolatry.

"For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating in an idol's temple, will not the conscience of him who is weak be emboldened to eat those things offered to idols? And because of your knowledge shall the weak brother perish, for whom Christ died? But when you thus sin against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ." - 1 Colossians 8:10-12

What do you think? As a Christian, have you ever practiced yoga? If so have you attended the classes and worked diligently to block out the spiritual nonsense the instructor speaks so that you could just focus on the exercises, or do you practice it independent of an instructor so that you don’t have to work so hard to block out the new age philosophy that comes along with it? And in either case have you ever felt anything akin to a spiritual door opening during yoga? To god, or to something more sinister?

2011: The Year of the Written Letter

2010-12-27T10:47:00.001-05:00

I’ve decided that 2011 shall be the year of the written letter in my household. I used to write cards and letters frequently because I enjoyed crafting special correspondence reminding friends and family they are loved and thought of and also because I loved the art of writing itself. Somewhere along the way I abandoned this pursuit as email became widespread in the mid 90s and evite.com came on board to offer electronic invitations.

I think there is something of value in hand written letters. I lost this ‘something’ by turning my back on letter writing and I aim to pull it back into my life in 2011. What I look to gain:

1. A sort of quiet peace as the pace of conversation must ebb and flow with the postal schedule.

2. A sense of directed thoughtfulness as each letter represents time focused on specific friends and family.

3. A reconnection with the physical pleasures of writing: choosing beautiful papers and writing instruments (I collect Italian glass pens among others), decorating the envelope, etc.

4. The joyful anticipation of postal delivery, knowing that a letter may be waiting for me in return. Receiving mail might be pleasurable again instead of just the dreary work of sorting through ho-hum bills, netflix movies and advertising.

On Consulting

2010-12-27T10:30:00.001-05:00

I promised more details on my new job and so here we are. I work for CSC as a Senior Consultant for their Federal Consulting Practice (FCP). In some instances, I may consult on projects the FCP has negotiated directly with the US government, but typically I am asked to step in on federal govt projects that CSC’s North American Public Sector (NPS) is already managing. This means at a practical level that I consult to one division of CSC on behalf of another division of CSC.

CSC is a very large company (92,000+ employees) and it has fashioned itself into several divisions to handle different market segments. For example, it has a large division devoted to commercial work both domestic and abroad. It also has a major division devoted to US government work. This division or entity provides services to the US government under contract. The FCP division was created to maintain a pool of expertise to drop in to NPS projects as needed. This benefits the company to keep a supply of techie-geeks on hand at all times and benefits the consultants because our employment is not bound to any specific contract. Instead we are permanent CSC employees who don’t have to worry about finding a new job when a contract concludes. A win-win for everyone involved.

Currently I am consulting on a project CSC NPS manages for a government agency. They’re utilizing my SAS admin skills and I am learning a lot along the way. The implementation version on this project is SAS 9.2 whereas previously I’d learned and worked the ins and outs of 9.1.3. There have been a lot of changes to the application but nothing so far I cannot wrap my mind around or keep up with. My first few weeks on the job I’ve managed to resolve a pressing issues that was previously deemed “unsolvable” by SAS so I am feeling pretty confident. And while it’s a bit tricky as a consultant to manage three circles of influence (the govt client and the CSC NPS employees I am consulting to along with my CSC FCP managers) I am enjoying the pace.

I live in a cube farm in DC during work hours. While it was a rough transition in terms of managing my daily schedule after working from home for the past few years (see my previous blog post) it’s actually more enjoyable then having a big office all to myself (which I had when I first starting working for my last employer Orizon). The amazing office with a beautiful view was exciting for the first couple of weeks- look at me, I have an office!- but when the pride wore off it was just lonely. I am a social creature and cube farms are lovely. I enjoy the neighborly interaction and the quiet murmur (sometimes not so quiet) of work and conversation going on around me while I work.

One thing that has been vastly different about working at CSC versus any other previous employer: their attention to detail. There is a formal written policy for everything: even the fridge clean out schedule/rules is codified in policy. It’s not bad; it’s just very different and super organized.

CSC invests heavily in career planning for their employees. Every year there are two main career building activities. The first is KRA objective planning. This is sort of like your standard ‘work goals for the year’ section of your typical employee review, but on steroids. It took me a couple of hours to watch the instruction videos, learn all the lingo and understand the methodology CSC uses for the process. In the end, an employee ends up with approx 5 ‘Key Result Areas’ that they commit to accomplishing during the year on the job that should further their project, the company overall, and of course their own goals and interests as well.

Besides the KRA, CSC also requires all employees to complete an Individualized Development Plan (IDP). The IDP is designed to plot out your continuing education over the next year, keeping in mind your long range (greater than a year from now) career plans and goals. You have to conceive where you’d like to be in a few years (working the same job in the same division? working a different job in the same division? working the same type of job in another CSC division? working another type of job in another division?) and then plot out how you are going to work toward that this year. Deciding what I want to be doing in two years was the hardest part for me. I mean I freeze up when presented with 31 flavors at Baskin Robbins (so many choices! what to pick, what to pick?!). Imagine how hard it was for me to plot a course to set sail for the future in a company with nearly 100,000 job opportunities of all different kinds. As an employee, you also have to keep in mind (and work into the plan) skill development for any of your current job title competencies that you aren’t 100% developed on already. For example, one of my job title competencies relates to team management (even though I’m not currently managing a team on this consulting project) so I might elect to take some management courses. To complicate things just a bit, I have a job title description with competencies and I also have what equivalents to a seniority title description with competencies as well. For those familiar with the federal govt, think of a seniority title as GS levels. So you might be a programmer at GS10 or a lets say for illustration a programmer at GS11. You’d have the competencies expected of a programmer and also those expected of any GS11 employee, regardless of their job specialty.

As part of my blog audience you’re probably feeling a bit overwhelmed by now just reading about these complex processes, but just imagine how it feels to be the new employee having to work through them! The good news is that the story has a happy ending: I finished my KRA and IDP work before the deadlines and I was fortunate enough to still be on the bench (working for CSC FCP but not yet on a consulting assignment) during the tasks so that I could devote my full attention to them.

I’m getting along well with the govt client reps, the NPS staff and my FCP colleagues and it’s great to be back to work feeling useful and purposed again. If you happen to be job hunting (especially in IT) I encourage you to consider CSC as your next employer.

Putting the Pieces Together

2010-12-22T20:58:00.001-05:00

Prior to the start of my new job, I had a somewhat regular daily routine established. Mornings I’d wake up and after getting groomed and dressed, check email/facebook and then sit down with my bible to go over my morning devotional. Then breakfast, downstairs at the table. Work would follow punctuated with errands and projects. Afternoons meant lunch in front of the tv watching Law and Order reruns and then cleaning occasionally. After that I’d exercise, shower and start dinner. Sometimes I’d remember to do evening devotionals, sometimes not. Every 2 weeks I’d borrow a work afternoon to do finances and carve out time to grocery shop.

So I started working for CSC and all hell broke loose with my new schedule. The first week just the stress of getting up at O’dark o’clock (4:30AM!) was enough to exhaust me. Add in new trainings on the job, new people to meet, new tasks to do/learn and the general anxiety of wanting to make an excellent first impression and GAH. In the mornings I was to tired to open my bible, check email or even eat breakfast. I drove half asleep to the VRE station and slept on the train. This meant I was starting to feel hungry and awake just as we would pull into Union Station so I’d go out for breakfast every morning. Of course after work I was very tired and had no energy to clean, exercise or even make dinner. And forget about replying to emails or facebook posts. So now dinner was either out, leftovers from the freezer or something like pasta with jarred sauce (I hang my head in shame! shame!). Gone were the gourmet meals that led Jon to exclaim how proud he was to be married to me and to enjoy cooked meals at home when so many cheat and go out to eat all the time. And of course no energy to pack a lunch so I was wasting money on going out to lunch each day also. In summary all I did that first week was work, sleep and eat at restaurants.

Week 2 of my commute (week before last) I worked back in facebook and email and stopped feeling like a zombie all day. Last week I worked back in cooking dinner most nights, breakfast, and a few nights of exercise. I went grocery shopping for the first time since starting the new job. This week I worked back in morning devotionals and packing a lunch to take to work. I have yet to push back in cleaning. The house is a disaster! My weekends have been no respite from the busy schedule as I’ve had activities scheduled every weekend of the month. First weekend: baking day/party at my house. Second weekend: mile run to SEA. Last weekend: Mile run to Orlando. Next weekend: Christmas. I haven’t had to work this hard in years. It’s kinda nice on one level to feel a sense of purpose and pride in my work again. But man it’s a bitch to adjust to a new busy schedule.

Books

2010-12-22T20:42:00.001-05:00

With my new job comes a new daily commute to/from DC on the VRE train. One hour and ten minutes in each direction which approximates to three novels a week. This month the best things I’ve read include:

The Laments

The Year of Magical Thinking

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society

The Girl Who Played With Fire

Laments told the story of a family continuously replanting themselves; always searching for something to satisfy. Along the way we come to know the characters in depth. Rich in plot and character development, I really enjoyed the text.

Year of Magical Thinking is a non-fiction account of writer Joan Didion’s grief experience after her husband (also a writer) unexpectedly died. I learned a lot about sadness and longing from her piece.

Guernsey is a fictionalized WW2 tale centering on one of the Channel islands. It speaks to the impact of war and terror on a community and on strangers. I found it to be a moving story and learned a bit more about the war in the process.

Girl is the sequel to the much acclaimed “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”. It’s a most excellent crime suspense novel and I couldn’t put it down. Even better than the first book in the series, I’d say. I’m thirsty for the next installment in the series: “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest”.

Person Y

2010-12-22T20:32:00.001-05:00

I can’t even give Person Y a gender descriptor such as Mr. or Ms. I can only report that Person Y was confirmed alive on Tuesday when I saw them last and is likely mentally ill based on the evidence laid out before me. Evidence: several wool blankets piled on top of Person Y as they slept on the sidewalk in DC. Our capital has an open door law which requires all shelters to take in every walk in when the temp dips below freezing. No one can be denied and if space runs out the district will open reserved emergency space in other public buildings. Shelter reps and other concerned residents do regular sweeps in the evenings and transport any homeless willing to go to the shelters. There is also a hypothermia hotline to report folks you see in the cold. Result: the only people remaining on the streets are those who actively refuse to go to the shelter or walk away from them. And in those cases the caring are left to only drape them with wool blankets and move on. Refusing shelter when it’s below freezing is a certain sign of mental illness to me. As to evidence of life in Person X I observed his/her rhythmic breathing under those blankets while he/she slept. I felt helpless. What are we to do God; tell me what to do! My tears do not fix anything.

Generations ago the public response to such illness was to let the suffering die. People were just too busy trying to survive themselves. Other periods in history the well intentioned do-gooders built huge fortresses of mental hospitals and locked the sick away, putting their dignity and freedom away just the same. When I worked for ARC in New York the directors tried to impress upon us that it was better for society to let the mentally ill remain integrated into daily society and to suffer the reckless deaths of some of them left to their own care in sacrifice to the principle of maintaining free will for the population as a whole as much as possible. Because when you strip freedom from individuals and give control to others abuse is the most common outcome. Even “good” people can fall into monster behavior when given total control over another human being. So we shut down most of these hospitals in the 80s and 90s and and let everyone out to wander “free”. Oh but what a burdensome “freedom” for those imprisoned in their own minds by illness. The whole situation reminds me a bit of our differing approach to animal welfare over South American countries: we lock up the unwanted animals who cannot care for themselves
(and usually euthanize most of them) while the South Americans let them wander free in the streets to “make it or break it” per the laws of survival of the fittest. Sad either way. I feel utterly helpless. I need God; I need God to fix this. It feels callous to go about my life in joy and peace with so much suffering around me but what good does my pity and tears do? There is so much misery in the world and in my own circle of influence even that I cannot fix. And I even call into suspect my own motivations. Do I want to fix it because I love these people like the Lord does? Or do I just want to fix it to spare myself the suffering of feeling guilt, pity and helplessness? I can’t untangle my feelings from what’s best for these people or what God might ultimately desire.

I just fall instead on my knees in prayer and ask God that his will be done.

Mr. X

2010-12-22T20:14:00.001-05:00

“You can’t save the world Jenni”. This is what Jon said to me recently when I told him my offer to Mr. X was rebuffed. Mr. X is currently sleeping his nights at the Manassas VRE station, in the waiting lobby. A buffer from the cold, the lobby is perhaps 50-55 degrees. The outside temps are in the low to mid 20s this week. I met Mr. x last week while I lulled about waiting for the 5:50am train to DC for work. He sat on one of the benches staring straight ahead. We exchanged a friendly hello and a smile. I saw him again the next morning but he was slumped over sound asleep and I didn’t want to disturb him.

When I got to work that morning I called our church. “What can we do for him?”, I asked. “Is there a shelter I can take him to?” Answer: no. There is only one shelter in Manassas and it’s over capacity and not accepting new walk-ins. Our church used to put the homeless up in hotels but after a few got destructive the local hotels barred the practice. I was certainly hesitant to bring home a stranger into our home to sleep- he could be violent or prone to unpredictable behavior or morals. So what to do? I put out the word on facebook but none of my male friends were willing to take in a stranger either.

Seeing him again earlier this week I studied him while he slept. I tried to imagine his dirty capped hands cleaned from a hot shower. Tried to imagine his unruly hair trimmed and his face shaved clean and proper. Tried to imagine his clothes washed. He awoke and our eyes met. I said hello and he smiled. I asked him if there was anything I could bring him next time we met, perhaps a blanket? His brows furrowed and he snapped a sharp “no” at me. My attempt to help was clumsy and ineffective and I was sad. His eyes softened again and he offered me his seat on the bench- a true gentleman.

I think of Mr. X and I think of the thin line we walk between having and not having. Between mental illness and health. Between war and stability within our communities and between nations. Many of us are blessed not to know hunger, homelessness, mental illness or violence when its the default state for many peoples of the world. I don’t know Mr. X’s story. He was gone yesterday morning and I wonder where he is. I’d like to think a spot in the shelter opened or he found refuge in the home of a friends. But I don’t know.

Update: Mr. X reappeared this morning in the station. I wish there was something I could do for him without impugning his dignity.

Ruining Children

2010-12-22T19:36:00.001-05:00

(written on Sat 12/18/10)

Today I felt rude and stabby as I waited for my shuttle bus outside MCO (Orlando airport). 30 minute wait. Argh. Maybe it was the wait that was agitating me most, maybe it was the dreary rain or maybe it was just leftover bitterness from my brush with the older woman at DCA this morning who was extremely rude to me while we waited for our plane. I should have confronted her perhaps. In any case I was cranky. And then, as it typical, my inner voice reminds me it is my civic and spiritual duty to be kind to others even when I don’t feel like it. Manners are a simple expression of love for others.

Suddenly with this thought I am pulled back to the time I explained this concept of love-as-demonstrated-through-manners to a particularly unruly child at church once. A child with a difficult home life who had likely never seen good manners modeled for him at home. Now I panicked – had I, in that moment, been the stranger who confirmed for him with one casual sentence his deepest fear –that his parents didn’t love him (b/c they didn’t show good manners)? Did I ruin a child and give it no thought until a year later? Oh my goodness.

Shaping the minds and hearts of children is such a delicate task. One wrong word and you can probably break a child forever. This is why I don’t have children: I can’t be trusted to be delicate.

Christmas is Around the Corner

2010-12-21T20:59:00.001-05:00

First there was the season of advent, and soon the season of Christmas will be here. Joy to the world!

Although the secular market is ready to put the holiday away after the capitalist consumption has culminated in unwrapped presents on the 25th, the holiday traditionally lasts for a much longer period of celebration. This year our household will celebrate the full 12 days of Christmas (begins on Christmas day and is capped with the epiphany). I encourage you and yours to do the same and keep the focus on Christ our savior. This will be a time of shared dinners with friends for me and little ways to make each of the 12 days memorable. Perhaps a party as well.

Swiss Chard and Parsnip Soup

2010-12-01T09:59:00.001-05:00

Adapted from a recipe of the same name published in Oxygen Magazine in June 2010. My version adds white wine, spices and a bit of butter. Made this for dinner last night and it was fabulous. A really good way to sneak in greens for husbands/kids who are anti-veggie. Over 100% of vitamin A and over 600% of vitamin K. Fantastic!

2 T olive oil

1 large onion, chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 cup white wine

2 T butter

3 parsnips, peeled and thinly sliced

4 cups chicken stock

1 bunch Swiss chard, rinsed, stems trimmed, chopped

2 T balsamic vinegar

1/2 cup skim milk

1 tsp caraway seed

1/2 tsp ground celery seed

sea salt and pepper to taste

1. Salt the onions and saute them in olive oil over medium heat until soft. Remember to heat the pan first, then add the oil, then add the onions once the oil is hot.

2. Add garlic and parsnips and saute for 5 minutes or until parsnips are golden. Add wine and cook until most of wine is evaporated. Add butter.

3. Add stock then bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer for 25 minutes until parsnips are soft. If soup has reduced from boiling, add more water to return to original quantity.

4. Add swiss chard and let wilt, about 2 minutes. Add vinegar, milk, salt, pepper, caraway and celery.

5. Use and immersion blender to puree until smooth.

Serve with fresh bread. Approx 250 calories per bowl.

Delta Business Elite Menu Review ATL-MUC

2010-11-29T09:10:00.001-05:00

I really enjoyed the service and menu offered on our recent Delta flight from ATL- MUC. We were booked in the Business Elite cabin. Our flight attendant was this lovely woman (Annie) from somewhere down south in the States with a smooth motherly voice; should I ever fall ill I’d love to have her by my side to ease the agony.

People have often complained about how awful airline food is but I’ve never had a bad meal yet on any airline, even in coach (tip: always go for pasta or seafood in coach).

For our dinner the starter was presented as follows: seared tuna medallions aside roasted red peppers and goat cheese with a seaweed edame salad. It doesn’t read in print as appetizing as it tasted (it was delicious!). A simple green salad followed for the second course. I chose a fruity white wine which was promoted as “no oak” to pair with my appetizer and salad and I really enjoyed it: Boulder Bank Savignon Blanc 2008. (While I’ve never loved wine for it’s own sake, I have always loved good good and discovered over the summer that a well chosen wine can enhance the tastes of ingredients on the tongue.)

The main course offered an option of fish, pasta or beef and in a departure from my strategy to “always go with the pasta” I opted for the filet of beef. Tender and served medium, it was accompanied by green beans and mashed potatoes. It was very good. I chose a medium bodied merlot (Souverain 2006) with ‘plum undertones’ to pair with my entree and it was absolutely fabulous. My palette is not sophisticated enough to taste the fruit undertones nor the “smoky vanilla” but the wine tasted very buttery to me which I really love. My wine friends tell me that white wines can be described as buttery but it’s not an appropriate description for red wines yet that is what my tongue tasted and was happy to taste: buttery goodness. It reminded me a lot of the smooth buttery reds I had sampled in Andorra last year.

Dessert was a classic hot fudge sundae and an absolutely pleasure.

Dateline: November 21, 2010 2pm

2010-11-29T08:56:00.001-05:00

Here’s another thing that annoys me: Pittsburgh. We took off for our European trip from PIT this morning b/c Delta is offering double MQM promo for all flights out of PIT. We drove into downtown Pittsburgh last night from VA and encountered a crowd of 20+ people milling about on the sidewalk in front of a bar that was about to open for the evening. They were almost all wearing Steeler jerseys (Steelers are the PIT football team). Must be a game tonight I thought. We walked a few more blocks, passing more Steeler attired fans. Into our restaurant for the evening – Fat Head’s. I saw Steeler scarves, Steeler hats, Steeler pins, Steeler t-shirts, Steeler sweatshirts, Steeler jackets. I saw Steeler earrings and even a Steeler tattoo! Middle aged men, kids, senior citizens, dogs, all dressed to support the team. Now, the shocking fact: THERE WAS NO STEELER GAME. Turns out this is just regular evening wear for 3/4 of Pittsburg residents. I found it ridiculous. Ridiculous!

Then I spotted the sandwiches coming to the tables around us and my blood really began to boil. Massively huge sandwiches! Makes me ashamed to be an American huge. The “way we Americans all go to the all-you-can-eat-buffet side of the restaurant overlooking Niagara Falls but all the foreigners go to the smaller portioned sit-down side” ashamed. The “way we cheer for Smarter than a 5th Grader contestants” ashamed (if you lose you look like an idiot, if you win you’re only bragging rights are that you can intellectual best a 12 year old; dear God why do people champion this show?!). But I digress. Pittsburgh! Giant sandwiches with descriptions like “mounds of meat”, “piles of”, “mountains”, “layers”. Sure you can pick off all but a respectable portion of meat but then you’re paying $10 for a normal sandwich which is sort of like paying $12 for a Moleskin notebook.

I ordered a simple cheap grilled cheese sandwich to avoid the overstuffed meat versus overpriced sandwich and was still disappointed . Massive and greasy and served with enough potato chips to fill a whole bag, I picked at it while Jon worked his way through a kielbasa sandwich. And don’t get me started on how much they mix meats on their sandwiches!!!

So we leave the restaurant and pass legions of PIT Steeler adorned adults. It was really irritating me even though I can’t put my finger on the reason. Sports fanaticism? Group think? I don’t know but by the time we left the hotel for the airport in the morning and the body count of PIT fans had continued to skyrocket I was livid. Actually livid. Then we arrived at our gate and the Delta gate agents were wearing PIT jerseys over their uniforms. I KID YOU NOT.

THERE IS SOME SORT OF PATHOLOGICAL SICKNESS IN PIT AND IT IS CENTERED ON GIANT SANDWICHES AND STEELER PARAPHENALIA. The whole thing has made me cranky. Or perhaps it’s just internet withdrawal rearing it’s ugly head.

Dateline: November 21, 2010 1pm

2010-11-29T08:38:00.001-05:00

I’m terribly annoyed with myself this afternoon. I’ve just purchased a trendy (read: overpriced) Moleskin brand notebook at the Cincinnati airport because I could not quickly find any simple and cheap alternatives before we had to board our flight. I feel the fool for trading in twelve quality dollars for what should be a $1.29 notebook if I were buying it at any standard office supply store. The ridiculous pricing of these notebooks is not lost on the author of the cheeky “Stuff White People Like” franchise (which mostly pokes fun at middle class Anglos). He describes the enduring hipster affinity for them among the rest of the nonsensical trends of our culture. To read the description of the notebook listed on the promo sheet provided with the purchase you’d expect that writing in a Moleskin will elevate you to a higher spiritual plane. Pffft.

I wish I’d remembered to bring a notebook from home and then I’d not be faced with this choice of no notebook versus overpriced notebook. But bringing along paper and pen is not typical of me- I usually rely on my memory to capture the events of the day and then transcribe to my laptop each evening of a trip.

For this trip however I’ve left my laptop at home. Further I’ve left even my blackberry behind. My first untethered trip since I’ve owned a cell phone or laptop! Why: Since my new job does not require me to be on call during vacation (first job EVER that hasn’t) I’ve taken this opportunity to break my internet addiction. It’s become a real problem. I check my favorite internet sites (facebook, flyertalk, livejournal, dailymile, foxnews) and my email as soon as I wake up each morning- before I do anything else. I check email constantly during the day on my bb and facebook on every work break. A good solid hour goes to the internet every evening and it’s the last thing I do before bed.

I never even realized I was addicted until I read an article that reported on internet addiction in the USA and noted with great disdain how many people check email before even going to the bathroom in the morning. Guilty as charged, but so what? These are the kind of people the article alleges that cannot pull themselves away from the net for even a day. In an effort to prove the idiocy of such claims made by crank old technophobes I recently decided to step away from the internet for 24 hours. I failed. Miserably. Ahhhhh, the ding of new mail notifications are as intoxicating a drug as they were when Meg Ryan’s character expounded on the topic in the movie hit “You’ve Got Mail”. My longest stretch internet sober this week was less than an hour. An hour!

But you can’t expect the drunk to turn down temptation if he takes his liquor bottle with him now can you? And THAT’S why I’ve decided to leave my blackberry and laptop at home for 8 days of internet sobriety. It’s been a hard time of it my first day. My thoughts drift to check my email frequently and every time I observe something clever my fingers itch to post it on facebook or twitter. I’m hoping the withdrawal symptoms lessen as the trip continues.

And now I have to buy a watch at the airport because I’ve just realized I’ve no way to tell time without my blackberry. Gah.

High Self Esteem Versus Healthy Self Esteem

2010-11-29T06:29:00.001-05:00

Coming as a surprise to many education administrators and counselors who are tasked with shaping our children within the school setting and preparing them for adult responsibilities, studies are now out showing that promoting high self esteem as a cure-all has been a lot of baloney. The experiment has failed to elicit the changes promised and instead has created a worse problem: narcissism on grand scale (across an entire generation; maybe even two). Turns out an unrestrained sense of self-worth is pretty dangerous.

One of the psychologist bloggers on the political right that I follow has provided interesting insights on the studies; on narcissism; and on the risks of raising children with superegos (dictator training 101) or, at the other extreme - with such a deep sense of worthlessness paired with idealized view of others that they’re willing to sign up for enslavement to the state or jihad crusades.

Her essay is here: http://drsanity.blogspot.com/2007/02/narcissism-and-self-esteem-gurus.html

Human Rights

2010-11-17T19:56:00.001-05:00

Regardless of one's political slant, there is a bit of logic askew to deem education or healthcare a human right. Here's why. In order for something to be a right- a fundamental human right that others cannot take away from you, it cannot involve forcing someone else to do an action. It *can* involve preventing someone from doing something (like killing you; the recognized right to life for example prevents people from killing you without punishment) but it can't compel others to do something otherwise you are stomping on *their* rights to abstain from that activity.

The problem with making a good or service that cost $$$ a right means that someone has to pay for it. And, in theory, you cannot force people to work. If you cannot force people to work (that would be against their human rights i.e. forced labor) then you have two problems- one you cannot force someone to teach others or force another to write the curriculum and two you cannot force the general population to work in order to provide taxes to pay for the education. Therefore, education cannot be a right because in the abstract it requires compulsive labor. Same with healthcare or any other good or service.

This and That: fourth qtr 2010 edition

2010-11-01T23:21:00.000-04:00

In September I penned a lengthy update providing a general overview of the happenings in our family. Here we are in the last quarter of the year and there have been a lot of new events since that post. Thus begins a new blog tradition: quarterly updates, filed under ‘This and That’.

Work

In September, I put in my notice at my federal contracting job to coincide with the end of the contract. I had lined up a new job with another contractor – SAS admin work again (yay) for a different agency than the one I’ve been working with the past 4 years. Regardless of whether my previous employer would win the follow on contract or not, I was ready to move on. My decision was validated when it was announced at the end of September that a competing company had won the follow on. I patted myself on the back for being prepared with a new job and approximately 10 seconds later it (the new job) evaporated as they too lost their contract that I was to work on. Oops.

So it was back to job hunting. I made myself available through Dice.com and started fielding calls from recruiters. It was down to two companies offering competitive SAS admin positions. I agonized over the decision and prayed God would give me a clear sign of which one to take as they each represented a great opportunity. He did: one of the companies was not able to make good on their original verbal offer due to budget constraints – taking the job would have meant a pay cut from my previous position. That put the other company over the top, and they are now my employer (I started mid November). The best part is that while I will be representing the company as one of their consultants for a federal agency contract, I am not hired to that contract; I am hired to the company permanently as a free floating consultant. My job is to be an “expert” who consults on my areas of expertise across various contracts. I’m very excited about this new role.

When things get rolling (right now I am being paid to complete addl training and waiting for paperwork to be processed) I will be working in Washington, D.C. every day, commuting on the VRE. This means I will be very well read in 2011, with 2 hours of commute time a day on the train. I should be able to make a lot of head way through the bible and best seller lists with all that available reading time.

Christian Walk

Jon and I have fallen in with the folks at Grace United Methodist Church here in Manassas. We really feel at home in this congregation even though we are very new to it. Everyone is so welcoming and for me the best part is that the members reach out to you as a new visitor and help you find ways to plug in and get involved right away. We’re currently attending the contemporary Sunday evening service @5pm, but I reserve the right to drag Jon to the traditional morning services occasionally when I want to feel especially reverent or to hear the grand pipe organ.

I’ve taken a strong interest in incorporating long standing Christian traditions and rituals into our day to day spiritual life. I’m into my second week of daily devotional readings in the morning and readings/prayer before bed. I start in the morning with the daily thought from Oswald Chambers famous collection ‘My Utmost for His Highest’. Then I’m using this reading calendar for guidance in selecting passages to read and consider prayerfully: Daily Scripture Readings from CRI. Also, this is the first year that we are really going to put our hearts into Advent rituals such as the Advent wreath (and associated readings and prayers), Advent calendar, fast before Christmas, etc. I think ritual and liturgy can be a great part of one’s religious practice (so long as they don’t become shallow or empty; it’s important to keep the focus on God and avoid legalistic attachments to the rituals). I’ve been using one resource in particular to learn more about the religious traditions and rituals of our Christian faith and put them into practice: 'A Continual Feast' by Vitz.

Travel

I marked the first day of my unemployment at September’s end with a trip to Las Cruces, NM to visit family and friends and pick up this year’s supply of fresh green chile. I had a great time seeing everyone and visiting our ‘home’ (where we go married) church. It’s always amazing to touch base with younger adults, now in their 20s that I have known since they were in my Sunday school classes when they were 5 or 6. I also got a chance to sit down and have lunch with my flower girl (also all grown up now and married) and catch up with her. So many wonderful memories and friends still in Las Cruces. I think we may make an annual chile run every autumn as the freshness of the chile flown home (versus shipped to us whole and then roasted here in VA) is unsurpassed.

The next week (first week in October) Jon and I piled a bunch of our friends into our cars and headed for upstate NY to enjoy the autumn leaves. We made it up to CT by Friday evening and crashed for the night at a Hilton.

Saturday morning we were up and exploring New England, spending the afternoon at the Yankee Candle Factory before winding our way to Troy, NY via VT. There was a mandatory stop at Stewart’s to take Jonathan back down memory lane (and to give everyone a chance to try their famous ice cream). We escorted everyone to one of our old favorites- Latham 76 diner- for vittles on Sat night before checking in to another Hilton (this time in Albany, NY) for the evening.

Next morning we made more memories together as we attended church services out at Brunswick Presbyterian (the church we attended while we lived in NY). It was a joy to see all our old friends in the congregation and the pastor. That afternoon we had pizza in downtown Troy at our favorite joint, I got to see my friend Kerry, and we all went apple picking at Indian ladder farms. Our last stop before heading home was Napoli’s bakery. YUM!

Our group shared a lot of laughter and stories over the weekend and I really enjoyed getting to know everyone better. It was fun to find out that Ryan had a place in his heart for hip hop and that Chris collected old signs. I also was thrilled to have a chance to show our friends what we love about and what is so special about New England.

Jon, Dani, Tanja, Lauren, Chris, Ryan

Another weekend in October I took a friend from the NoVA Travelers group up to NYC for my annual culinary tour. Changed things up a bit this year, dropping lunch at the dim sum hall and replacing it with a meal at Momufuku, which worked out fabulously. We also actually had time to stop at the East Village Cheese shop this year, and I could kick myself for not doing it on previous tours. Brie for 99 cents a pounds and other steals were to be had in every corner of the shop. They buy wholesale cheese overruns (top quality) and so are able to offer rock bottom pricing. We even had time on Sunday to make our way out to Coney Island. It was a great trip and I love traveling with this particular friend as she always puts me at ease and is a joy to be around.

I’d almost forgotten that I also escorted Literary Elly May on a surprise trip to Assateague Island recently to see the wild ponies. She was very happy to take it all in and the whole day worked out beautifully (except the part where I left my purse hanging on a chair back in McDonald’s in Manassas and only realized it a half hour later on the road and had to call Dani’s husband to go get it for me but that’s another story).

Wild Pony of Assateage Island

We just returned from our most recent trip yesterday. We spent the week of Thanksgiving in Austria and Germany at the Christmas Markets and I’ve got so much to tell you about it all, but you’ll have to wait to read most of it until it’s published in early December for a travel company site.

Fitness

I’m in the last week of Couch to 5k, which is where I was before we left for Europe. I just didn’t run at all in Europe; I knew the miles and miles of walking each day and sightseeing would be enough to tire me out and I didn’t want to pile more effort on top of it. I’m hoping to get my last 3 sessions in this week and be a graduate by this time next week. A long hard road, but it has been great. I ran my second 5k race in mid October and did alright, considering the hills (ugh: hills).

I’ve also been swimming and participating in fitness classes at our gym each week, but I need to be more self-disciplined about keeping to my routine and classes even when I don’t feel like going. Consistency is key!

Up and Coming

I will spend this quarter attempting to relearn how to balance work and home life now that I will no longer be working from home where I could easily co-mingle the two when it suited me. I’ve been hatching plans and strategies to keep myself on schedule and focused on what matters. I’m trying to incorporate regular routines into my life for stability and discipline.

The new job offers three weeks of vacation each year, but I’ve got to accumulate it before I can use it so other than Thailand in March I don’t see any major trips in my immediate future. Maybe a few weekend jaunts here and there. Plus of course being out of work for a month and a half hit our savings pretty hard and now we’ve got to put our extra money into building the emergency savings back up instead of gallivanting around the globe every other weekend. I do have two upcoming flights in December but they are straight mile runs (flights to earn miles with no other purpose) and have no sightseeing built into them at all. For example, one of them involves an out and back flight from PIT-ATL-SEA on a Saturday. My total time in SEA will be 40 minutes on layover at the airport. And flying out of PIT of course b/c Delta is still offering the double MQM promo for all flights out of PIT (a 4.5 hour drive from here).

Tuesday is the Michael Buble concert in D.C. and I’m pretty excited about that. Jon picked us up tickets and we’ve got decent seats.

The rest of our time for 2010 will be filled with the Christmas holiday- shopping, baking, parties, gift wrapping, standing in line at the post office to ship, etc. And all done to the soundtrack of our favorite Christmas carols of course. One of the best times of the year and I’m feeling really festive after attending the holiday markets in Europe and prancing in the snow in Bavaria. This is going to be a great Christmas!

Today is All Saints Day

2010-11-01T08:58:00.001-04:00

All Saints Day is a rather nuanced holiday for Christians, depending on your global location and denomination. Eastern Christians celebrate the holiday during an entirely different season of the year so we will leave them to that. Western Christians join together to celebrate it on or near today but each denomination has a different understanding of just what “it” is.

Traditionally, most Catholics hold up the day in honor of dead saints who have achieved beautification (completed the process of becoming a saint by the church’s definition, which includes performing miracles from beyond the grave, etc. Incidentally they hold up tomorrow as All Soul’s Day to celebrate dead saints who have not achieved beautification yet). Some Catholics hold up the day to honor all dead Catholics who are in heaven (and reserve tomorrow for the dead in purgatory).

Because the definition of ‘saint’ in the Protestant denominations is generally widened to all Christians, the only variations between protestant congregations in the celebration is (1) whether the celebration is held in honor of dead and living saints or reserved for just our departed brethren and (2) whether the honor is observed strictly on Nov 1 or on a Sunday and if so which Sunday near Nov 1 (some celebrate the Sunday before; some the Sunday after).

Presbyterians celebrate the holiday the Sunday before Nov 1 (unless Nov1 falls on a Sunday) and is celebrated concurrently with Reformation Day (a day set aside to honor the leaders of the reformation).

Methodists celebrate the holiday the Sunday after Nov 1 and reserve celebration specifically for the saints that were in Jesus time (such as his mother or the disciples) or are mentioned in the bible (such as Paul) and also give prayers of remembrance for saints in their own congregation that have recently died.

As one who was raised Catholic, became a disciple in the Presbyterian Church and is now living out that discipleship in in Methodism you can imagine I’m a bit confused with regard to my observance of the holiday. Therefore, I’ve decided to mark today in honor of all our brothers and sisters in the body of Christ; especially those who are diligently laboring for Christ. I will take time to pray for our missionaries, our pastors and lay leaders and my fellow congregants. I will also respectfully observe moments of quiet reflection on those that were martyred for Christ in ages past or otherwise contributed greatly to the kingdom of God. I am not iconifying people per se, but celebrating their acts of faith (just as we all celebrate Abraham’s) for the glorious effects those acts had on the whole body of Christ. Whereas at Pentacost we celebrate the church as a body, today I am focused on individual acts of faith and the holy act of giving of oneself to God; that is the essence of sainthood. I celebrate that God calls us into relationship with him in this way and I celebrate (for the sake of God’s kingdom and the sake of their souls) all of the individuals that have stepped out in faith to enter into that relationship and go where God leads them.

For All the Saints

Earl Nelson

1864

For all the saints, who from their labours rest,

Who Thee by faith before the world confessed,

Thy Name, O Jesus, be forever blessed.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

Thou wast their Rock, their Fortress and their Might;

Thou, Lord, their Captain in the well fought fight;

Thou, in the darkness drear, their one true Light.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

For the Apostles’ glorious company,

Who bearing forth the Cross o’er land and sea,

Shook all the mighty world, we sing to Thee:

Alleluia, Alleluia!

For the Evangelists, by whose blest word,

Like fourfold streams, the garden of the Lord,

Is fair and fruitful, be Thy Name adored.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

For Martyrs, who with rapture kindled eye,

Saw the bright crown descending from the sky,

And seeing, grasped it, Thee we glorify.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

O blest communion, fellowship divine!

We feebly struggle, they in glory shine;

All are one in Thee, for all are Thine.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

O may Thy soldiers, faithful, true and bold,

Fight as the saints who nobly fought of old,

And win with them the victor’s crown of gold.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,

Steals on the ear the distant triumph song,

And hearts are brave, again, and arms are strong.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

The golden evening brightens in the west;

Soon, soon to faithful warriors comes their rest;

Sweet is the calm of paradise the blessed.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

But lo! there breaks a yet more glorious day;

The saints triumphant rise in bright array;

The King of glory passes on His way.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

From earth’s wide bounds, from ocean’s farthest coast,

Through gates of pearl streams in the countless host,

And singing to Father, Son and Holy Ghost:

Alleluia, Alleluia!

Australia Trip Report

2010-10-19T14:46:00.001-04:00

My first published travel article to add to my portfolio:

http://travelguide.affordabletours.com/Article/120/

*squee*

All pictures alongside article were all taken by myself or hubby.

Book Review: Random Magic

2010-10-13T08:20:00.001-04:00

Publisher: Beach Books

Author: Sasha Soren

In this novel, Ms. Soren weaves a tale of adventure from the threads of common cultural references (Alice in Wonderland, book jumping, a bit of Harry Potteresque magic, etc). Alice in Wonderland has gone missing and Professor Random has appointed one of his students to find her. Along the way mischief and mayhem ensue. Eventually everything is resolved and wrapped up satisfyingly in the end.

Random Magic is available on Amazon.com

The plot is detailed, inventive and interesting. Combined with Ms. Soren's precision in utilizing adjectives and adverbs in nearly every sentence it would do well as the foundation for a witty screenplay. However, while professional actors can benefit from the abundance of adverbs and likewise set designers will be right on track with the numerous adjectives, the constant barrage of descriptions tires the novel reader. Likewise, the subtle British humor, innuendos, and doublespeak would play out beautifully on stage or on screen but can fall flat in print. (Imagine reading a Monty Python screenplay presented as a novel). This is unfortunate as otherwise the plot really shines. Perhaps a polished editing with the next publishing can improve the presentation. Alternatively, Ms. Soren might strongly consider transforming the piece formally into a screenplay and shopping it among producers.

A final note: Is Nicole Kidman aware that her likeness is gracing the cover?

Pressing On

2010-10-11T14:45:00.001-04:00

It's been several weeks since I've posted about my couch to 5k progress. I have been on the mat so to speak wrestling with the program. It took me 6 tries to nail w5d3 and that was my hardest goal to accomplish in terms of number of tries up to that point. On to week 6, I switched from the time goals to the distance goals so that I could master a 5k by graduation. D1 and D2 of W6 went by smoothly but it took 7 tries to succeed at D3. Seven tries! The distance goal was 2.25 miles and took me approx 28 minutes of running. Still, I refused to give up and I faced each session with a new dose of determination. It never occurred to me to consider quitting.

Then....then I went out to tackle W7d1 (2.5 miles) and failed spectacularly. I cramped up before even a mile. I was going backward in progress! So I tried again and made it just 1.5 miles. And again going 2 miles. Just the week before I'd done 2.25 miles and now it was a struggle to even get to 2! What was going on?! I was frustrated, but dug in and keep trying. I was now in New Mexico on vacation and dealing with higher elevation and regressed back down to a HALF MILE before I had to resort to addl half mile intervals. UGH PATHETIC. Next try, in NM, did a mile. I was so disgusted and angry with myself. The rest of the tries ranged from 1.2 to 1.6 miles before I felt frozen- either my calves were burning or I felt dizzy and pukey. I tried different routes and different times of day but nothing made an impact on performance. Every failure led to more anger and frustration. I felt completely defeated and would burst into tears as soon as I reached my wall and cry all the way home cursing myself. Running was stressing me out, when it's supposed to clear your mind and be restorative. I was so close to quitting.

Sat was a running rest day but I try to cross train on such days so I did a zumba class at the gym. Felt like a loser there too because while I've worked to isolate my hips and move them well independent of my abs I don't have that ability with my shoulders at all. I move like a stiff robot and wherever my shoulders go my abs follow when they're not supposed to. SO FRUSTRATING. I did a half hour of strength training after that and then came home. I was in an emotional funk all weekend. At some level that day I had totally given up on being able to EVER do c25k even though I'd not said so out loud yet and it made me sad and hate myself a little. I spent most of Sunday crying and feeling sorry for myself.

This morning I woke up and physically felt great. I really can't explain why. I don't think I suddenly did anything different. I went out to run but refused to get my hopes up that I could make it. I tried to pretend I didn't care and display a 'this means nothing' attitude. I told myself I was going to just run for 30 minutes regardless of the distance it would mark. And i did it. And still had oomph so I kept going until I got to 2.5 miles. I won't say it came easy, but I never hit a wall today. So of course I am feeling a renewed encouragement and a sense that I.can.do.it as long as I don't give up. Ok, so it might take a million tries but I.will.do.it.

My hope is that this long and winding monologue will not only expose a little bit about what makes me tick, but also encourage you not to give up on your fitness goals. I want to offer up a different perspective from all of the rah rah rah running is great and easy if you stick to it articles. Running is hard work. You have to push yourself to break through your goals. And you have to find a better way to dissipate your emotional responses to bad run days then I do - because I can assure you first hand that turning on yourself in anger and frustration just makes it worse and builds up stress. Obviously I am still working on that.

I'm on dailymile.com (sort of like facebook but focused on fitness and you can share your workout details) if you're using the free site to track your workouts and would like to add me as a friend: http://www.dailymile.com/people/jenniparks

Feeling Discouraged

2010-10-10T16:41:00.001-04:00

Today I am feeling very discouraged about my personality.

I’ve always been a bit ‘different’. This difference is not just some imagined phenomenon wrought out of an emotional ‘nobody gets me’ teenage angst. It’s a well documented set of traits objectively observable by others around me. My husband told me while dating that it was my sincere and open/vulnerable kindness (a kind of sweet naivety in his words) that drew him to me as he found it to be unusual. Friends often tell me I’m quite different than most others.

According to Myers-Briggs testing I am an ENFP, which is less than 8% of the population. ENFP summary: I wear my heart on my sleeve; I’m very passionate about things that spark my interest (and very unmotivated to tackle things that don’t); I have the strongest need to be liked/loved out of any of the personality types; I have a directed sense of purpose and require that my relationships and job work toward that purpose in order to feel ok with life; I am intelligent; I am kind; I don’t “do” sarcasm; I genuinely am an optimist; I trust people easily; I sincerely like people and hate confrontation. Yep, ENFP sums me up perfectly.

What I’ve come to realize over the past few years is how polarizing my personality actually is. I’m not sure if this is true for other ENFPs, but when people are exposed to my personality they either seem to become an immediate fan and *really* like me, or alternatively, they react with disgust and repulsion and can’t stand me. It’s so dramatic and black and white. Those that like me tell me that they find me inspiring and joyful; energetic and kind; refreshingly open and vulnerable. Those that have an aversion don’t often tell me why but occasionally I have been smacked in the face with their comments when they’re on their way out of my life: I’m too nice, too naive, too simplistic, too talkative, and too optimistic and generally annoying. I have even developed some quick correlating variables- the chance that someone will like me is inversely proportional to how much they like the movie Office Space, appreciate sarcasm, consider themselves cynical or “realistic'”, and hate traffic jams and dealing with customers from a service perspective. Strange but true.

So today I have been feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I can be less polarizing. While I’d like to earn the respect or appreciation of the cynical “cool kids” crowd, at this point I’d settle for at least having a lukewarm personality that didn’t inspire NOR aggravate anybody. I did a quick google search to help me get ideas on how to change and adopt a more realistic, sarcasm loving cynical “adult” personality and it depressed me even more- the number of people who post on the internet that nice people make them sick is tremendous. There is even a facebook group devoted to the dislike of ‘overly nice’ people: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2256074450

I’m really tired of feeling different and disliked but I realize that I really don’t want to change myself to fix it. I wish instead people could bend to my outlook. I wish everyone was nice and said what they meant in a kind way instead of relying on sarcasm. I wish people looked on the bright side more and committed to the principle that there is good in everyone and actively looked for it. I wish that people would be more trusting and be willing to be quicker in establishing intimacy in friendships. I wish that people would express a genuine interest in the customers they serve instead of dismissing people as idiots. I wish people would take the time to swing on swingsets and laugh more and curse traffic jams less. I wish people would not be mean or harsh.

I wish for too much and feel sorry for myself that I don’t fit in. I don’t fit in with others in key ways that will always lead to people trying to treat me like a doormat and bullying me.

National Novel Writing Month and Life Decisions

2010-10-08T10:43:00.001-04:00

This year I have decided to participate in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). The annual event occurs in November and the objective is to write a fiction work consisting of at least 50,000 words within the month.

I have begun to brainstorm plot constructs and thinking that it’s best to start from a base of ‘what-you-know’ I have decided to write about a woman’s life that followed the alternative path to mine. Then I got stuck trying to decide where to veer my character’s life off the course of mine. To make the decision easier, I sat down and mapped out (in decision tree form) all the major life decision points I’ve gone through so I could play with alternative choices. While I’m sure there is truth to the claim that even the tiniest inconsequential decision can alter our lives irreversibly, I wanted to focus on the major choose-your-own-adventure moments.

Here is my tree. Here are over 30 decisions I made which changed my life. When I look back over these decisions I have some regrets of course. I also wish I could reach out to the hurting girl that I once was who seriously contemplated suicide but passed on it only because she was too afraid of disappointing God. I’d reaffirm the value of her life and point her toward the future.

It has been a long and difficult journey just to get from where I started to where I am now and there are many more decisions yet to be considered as I progress toward my life’s end. Putting it on paper has helped me to see how God has carried me through everything all along and provides encouragement to keep striving.

If you have the time to carve out for this project, I hope you’ll consider doing so. I think it’s a useful self-analysis tool.

https://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B0AAu5mdlc_lOTg1MDA4NGUtZjY4MC00ODk4LTliMmYtZTc2MDkxOWIxMjhj&hl=en&authkey=CPf2gOcF

edit: I also realized post publication that there have been some other decisions that affected me deeply that I left off the first draft of my chart such as deciding to move my parents to VA and deciding to commit to fitness.

Breaking the Cycle of Misery

2010-10-07T16:11:00.001-04:00

It breaks my heart the way the enemies of God are able to leverage the little agonies and injustices inflicted by the spiritually broken to perpetuate the brokenness over generations of a family. Look at such a situation from the outside and it seems helpless but I know that with God nothing is impossible. God is stronger than any of his enemies and he can break the inheritance of brokenness within us.

I pray frequently that God will affect this miracle in myself.

In Flight Philosophy

2010-10-07T15:51:00.001-04:00

There is something deep and philosophical about flying above the clouds. As we cross over oceans, we have a chance for meaningful fellowship between ourselves, our God and his sky. Just like the plane hurling forward, our lives advance in an irreversible march toward our final destination. ‘Trapped’ in the modern metal cabin we are given the chance to reflect on what we really value. And when we eventually land halfway across the world and spend time in the local culture we realize (if we’re lucky) that our travel has broken through many of the artificial constructs of who “we” are (versus “them”) and shown us that we are all fundamentally people.

Book Review: Naomi and Her Daughters

2010-10-06T14:56:00.001-04:00

Publisher: Zondervan

Author: Walter Wangerin Jr.

Many Christian readers are already familiar with the story of Naomi and Ruth. It's often touted as one of the most beautiful stories of friendship in the bible. The sad recounting of the Levite who gives over his wife to the sex crazed mob in the book of Judges to protect himself is also known to most readers although structurally these story lines are presented as unrelated in scripture. Wangerin weaves them together brilliantly in ‘Naomi and her Daughters’, providing a back story of events in Naomi's life that propel her and Ruth together on a journey to Bethlehem.

Throughout the novel, Wangerin uses an italicized typeface whenever he directly quotes the bible. This is helpful for the reader to discern Wangerin's beautiful fictionalized embellishments from what's been lifted out of the Word of God "as-is".

Fictionalized accounts of historical events prove justice to their story when they draw interest so severely that the reader is provoked to research the story further. Wangerin accomplishes this with ease and I repeatedly compared his account of the events of that time against what is recorded in Judges and Ruth, finding it to be accurate in essence. Wangerin forces his readers to consider these historic events from a new perspective, personalizing the characters in a way that leads us to identify with them; to care for them; to realize the similarities of character that persist in man throughout the span of generations and geography.

From the beginning, Naomi is presented as utterly practical and wise. In chapter three she tells her son (who is heading off to war against the tribe of Benjamin) that she won't cry for him but will consider him dead until she hears he has come through the battle alive. And when the civil war seems to be lost despite God's urging that the men aligned against Benjamin continue, she reflects on the matter-of-fact truth that at that point God had simply told his people to go up against the tribe of Benjamin in battle; he had not ever promised it was to be their fortune to win. Still, she is balanced in character with a nurturing love for others. After her return to Bethlehem with Ruth she sets in motion a resourceful plan to provide for Ruth's future and her family's legacy. She also tends to one who is extremely undeserving, showing grace and mercy.

Wangerin is able to illustrate how the people of God in that time are fixed in their resolve in a way that baffles modern mindsets. They stand beside their traditions to honor and protect male house guests even though innocents will be brutally sacrificed by the action. They stand by their fields to harvest even though they are consumed with worry for their men who have gone off to war (Chapter 5, pg 36). They stand by their oaths made before the Lord, even though they were made in angry haste and will bring great pain to themselves or thousands of others. In this way, parts of the novel that seem to be the most unbelievable are actually the most representative of the corresponding passages in Judges and Ruth. As if in response to our suspect disbelief in such foreign reasoning, Wangerin gives these words to Naomi in Chapter 42, where Naomi is expressing the importance of recording and recounting her stories and what could happen if they are discarded: "God will be lost. People will think that love is all - a kindly, grandfatherly love. They will build their idols along the lines of niceness. Mercy, compassion. Not death. Not the requirements of covenants."

Perhaps the most well written chapter is number 38, within which Wangerin places the reader right alongside Ruth as she steps out bravely to embrace her destiny. Her trembling fear as she completes a daring and irreversible act that places everything at risk; her joy in the risk rewarded - these feelings easily transfer onto the reader who cannot help but be moved by the raw emotions of the scene.

Overall a great novel that spurs the reader to not only open the bible for a rereading of the corresponding passages but also Wangerin's other published pieces.

Purpose Statement

2010-09-19T10:09:00.001-04:00

Have you ever crafted a mission or purpose statement for an organization? Have you reflected on the purpose of your life and set about to craft a personal mission statement?

I have been keeping a personal goal journal since 1999 (when I was 22), which I call my 'Life Project Book'. I record all my goals in it and track my progress in achieving them. I felt that I had explicitly established a partnership with God at that time whereby I agreed to thoughtfully detail a mission statement that was scripturally based, construct goals following from that statement and then pray over my goals. For his part he would provide guidance, direction, and connection+correction to mold me toward perfection in him for his glory. I know that he is working to do all of these things in me because there are numerous scripture references that state so.

Originally when I began the journal in 1999 I thought that developing my character was the single most important accomplishment I could effect in order to be useful/ready for God when he calls me into service (as I viewed service to God as my ultimate purpose for it's own sake). Over the past 11 years I've come to realize that while service (love your neighbor) is an important directive (second only to loving God) it's actually (along with loving God) a subset of the ultimate purpose: to glorify God.

My revised Statement of Purpose follows:

Our essential purpose as God's holy creation is to glorify him.

References:

1 Pet. 4:11. "That God in all things may be glorified."

1 Cor. 10:31. "Whether therefore ye eat or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God."

Prov. 16:4. "The Lord hath made all things for himself:" that is, "for his glory."

“Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever.”

Westminster Shorter Catechism

How then do we glorify God?

God calls us into an intimate and loving relationship with himself (to be begun by confessing our need for salvation and then praying to ask God to abide in us).

References:

John 17:3 "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent"

Deut.6:5. "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."

God calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves (passionate service/love) and spread the gospel to them (evangelism). This flows out of loving God as he created all of our neighbors and loves them also.

References:

Galatians 5:14. "The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Matt 22:39. ... "Love your neighbor as yourself."

1 Corinthians 9:16. "For if I preach the gospel, I have nothing to boast of, for I am under compulsion; for woe is me if I do not preach the gospel."

God calls us to be good stewards of what he has entrusted to us (our talents, our relationships, our finances, our time, our bodies as his temple). This flows out of loving and respecting God as he created everything we have.

References:

Matthew 25:15-30. Parable of Talents

Genesis 2:15-20. (Wherein God appoints man steward over creation on earth).

Luke 16. Faithful stewardship.

Romans 12:1. "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship."

1 Tim 6:16. "Command them [the rich] to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share."

1 Tim 6:20. "... guard what has been entrusted to your care. "

Good external reference on stewardship: http://www.middletownbiblechurch.org/spiritua/spirit12.htm

God calls us to obey his other commandments (which all proceed from loving him, loving our neighbors, and being good stewards) and lays out the qualities of a good disciple (this is spiritual/character development)

References:

John 14:15. "If you love me, obey my commandments."

1 Tim 4:7 "Discipline yourself for the purpose of Godliness"

Colossians 1:10. “Walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work.”

God calls us to joy and recreation. This proceeds from our recognition that we are created in the image of God and delight in joy and recreation as he does.

Phil 4:8. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

Deut 5:12. "Observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy, as the LORD your God has commanded you."

Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Genesis 1:31. "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. …"

Every goal that is worthwhile falls under the scope of one of these five avenues of glorification.

I track subcategories under each avenue (for example, ‘Stewardship of my Body’ under ‘Stewardship’ . For each subcategory I list an objective (or objectives) which is/are qualifications of what it means to be in compliance with progress in that avenue. Then, following good goal setting principles, I translate the objective(s) into measurable goals. (A common failure in goal setting is to fail to define measurable goals for your objectives, preventing you from being able to rationally/objectively define when you’ve met the objective.) Finally, I create action steps which, as they are completed, will bring me closer to completing the measurable goals. These action steps can usually be conveniently scheduled in outlook with the calendar or task manager.

I want to add a final note to remind blog readers that while this method of qualifying and quantifying the Christian life appeals to me (perhaps I truly was born to be a Methodist who prefer a methodical and systematic approach to theology, which is the denomination I have found myself in these days) it’s not the ‘only’ way to approach life in Christ. In fact I am sure many may find this systematic approach as complicated, overthought, and overwhelming. I once heard a pastor report that his goal list boiled down to ‘find the next wholesome thing that needs doing in your circle of influence and do it’.

Why I Don’t Like Abstract Art

2010-09-18T20:21:00.001-04:00

Today while meandering with my husband through the Norman Rockwell temporary exhibit at the American Art Museum (works on loan from the private collections of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas) I realized what I don’t like about modern art: it lacks a storyline. Artists such as Rockwell, Monet and many of my favorite Flemish artists are masterful storytellers and through their art they craft amazingly rich tales in a single frame. Modern abstract art instead typically attempts to convey an emotion [or several] or a philosophical/political statement. Frankly, I’d rather be pulled into a story than a statement.

Another powerful realization that came to me this afternoon is how much of an impact American art has the world over. One of the visitors to the exhibit signed the guestbook and provided his personal testimony to Norman Rockwell: as a child growing up in poverty in Columbia he glimpsed the bright and beautiful America that Rockwell depicted in the Saturday Morning Post and knew he was destined to be a part of it. (His father had brought back several years of the Post with him from a visit to New York City.) His mind was filled with the stories told by Rockwell’s art and he dreamed often of being in our country where one can relish the four freedoms - according to FDR these are:

The first is freedom of speech and expression.

The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way.

The third is freedom from want.

The fourth is freedom from fear.

This young man from Columbia set his life about the goal of migrating to the States and becoming a citizen and in the 1960s his dream came true. His entire life – changed forever by the impact of an American artist. What a beautiful story.

The Rockwell exhibit is on display until January 2011. If you get a chance to make it to the Washington D.C. area before then, I recommend you make time to take in the collection.

Workout Schedule for Autumn 2010

2010-09-18T11:04:00.001-04:00

	Cardio	Flexibility	Strength
Mon	Run	-------------------	-------------------
Tue	Kickboxing or Swim or Power Step	-------------------	-------------------
Wed	Run	Pilates (week A)	Weight Machines (week B)
Thu	--REST--	Yoga (week B)	Weight Machines (week A)
Fri	Run	-------------------	-------------------
Sat	Zumba or Spin or Bike Ride	-------------------	-------------------
Sun	Run or Swim	-------------------	Weight Machines

Working the C25K Program: Tips

2010-09-17T15:09:00.001-04:00

Consolidating these here for the many people that have asked my advice for going from couch potato to runner on the C25k program:

1. Make sure you have decent running shoes. Other equipment that I have AND LOVE: wicking socks [asics], running skirts to look good while running and prevent chafing or riding up [skirtsports.com], wicking sports bra and tops [any sports store], garmin fr60 watch with heart rate monitor and shoe pod [the only way to objectively measure gains in cardio fitness- as you move through the program your resting hr should go down, your ability to stay below 170bpm during cardio should increase, your return to resting hr after workout should quicken, etc. also tracks mileage, pace, time, etc. you can buy on amazon.com]

2. Make sure your form is anti-injury: midfoot landing [versus heel strike] and try not to push off with your feet so much as lift them up using your leg muscles for each stride.
3. Make sure you stretch stretch stretch before each run. I do 10 minutes of yoga stretching before I run.

4. Make sure you warm up walk enough. I have finally gotten to the point where I can run after just a 5 minute warm up walk, but for the first gazillion sessions of this program I had to do a 10 minute warm up to get my muscles ready to run or I had hip flexor pain on my right side.

5. HYDRATE. I hit a wall early in the program b/c i wasn't drinking enough water. i used to drink like 1 glass a day, now I drink 50-80 oz a day. makes a big difference- if I forget, my ability to run the next day goes down the toilet.

6. Don't give up. Don't think you have to accomplish each session goal in a single day. My method is to keep repeating a session until I achieve it. Almost every session is a challenge in pushing myself past where I think I can make it.

7. Unless you can actually keep a 10 minute mile pace, you will have to switch over to the distance goals sometime late in the program, otherwise at c25k graduation you won't actually be running a 5k.

This and That

2010-09-16T09:12:00.002-04:00

From Zechariah Chapter 1, verse 4: ‘Therefore tell the people: This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Return to me,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'and I will return to you,' says the LORD Almighty.’
I read this verse last night (I’m making my way through Zechariah) and it really jumped right off the page at me. After everything God’s people had done to each other and to him he extended this invitation. They murdered, they blasphemed, they lied, they cheated, they worshipped idols and turned their backs on God stubbornly. And yet, God wanted them to know it was as simply as turning back to him and he would respond with love. It’s the most beautiful love story.
Aside from reading scripture verses that get me emotional, I’ve been filling my time as of late with work, exercise, and trying to manage my very hectic to-do list.
The government contract of my primary employer’s ends at the conclusion of this month, so there is a lot of tasks to be completed related to that, especially a lot of technical writing (which I love, so it’s been very fulfilling). It’s been a great four years, but I’m ready to move on to something new and look forward to what God has lined up for me.
With regard to exercise, I’m still working the couch to 5k program and currently *still* battling the goals of week six, day three, making slow but steady progress. Previously I was following the time goals (which only overlap the distance goals if you run 6mph or a 10 minute mile pace) whereas beginning with week 6 I am following the distance goals. As I’ve written about before, this is so at program graduation-week 9- I will actually be running a 5k distance; If I followed the time goals I’d be running 30 minutes at graduation, but not a full 5k. So to go from the previous longest time goal- 20 minutes (week5d3) to the time required to run the week6d3 distance goal (2.25 miles at my pace = about 29 minutes) is going to take awhile, and I’m realistic about that. So far I’m up to 23 minutes. I lost my groove for about a week and a half as I was traveling overseas (trip report on Australia is coming soon!) and it disrupted my entire physical environment (eating patterns, sleeping, etc) but I got it back this week and am feeling great about running again.
I am now logging all my technical data about my runs and a detailed description of every workout over at Daily Mile (http://www.dailymile.com/people/jenniparks). It’s a workout community online where you can meet other runners (and hikers/bikers/swimmers/walkers/etc) and share your workouts and give each other feedback. I really like the layout and social interaction of the site and decided my blog readers here are probably tiring of the detailed workout posts clutter hence the move. If you *are* interested in the details of my workouts (how far i went, how i felt, time, etc) you can read my updates over there at any time. They’re also being syndicated to my facebook account so you’ll see them show up in your feed list if you’re on FB and friends with me there. Otherwise, I will still post general progress updates over here with regard to where I am in the program overall and any significant physical milestones or emotional revelations that come through running.
I don’t think I noted it before, but Jonathan and I joined a new fitness facility in Manassas. The new gym is the same price as our old one, but has two swimming pools, jacuzzi, and hundreds of cardio and fitness classes every week. It’s also just about the same distance from our house as the old gym so it works out perfectly.
As always, I am juggling a lot of activities and projects (besides work and exercise described above). I’m still leading the NoVA Walkers meetup group and need to get some hikes scheduled on the calendar for autumn (will carve time out to do that this weekend). I’m organizer of the NoVA Travelers meetup group and we have several trips upcoming: New England Fall Foliage Tour, NYC Culinary Weekend, Spa Weekend in Vegas, Christmas Lights in Austria, and a two week trip to Thailand. A lot of amazing journeys, which means a lot of detailed itineraries for me to plan for the group’s enjoyment. And there is always a myraid of social activities planned with my friends – movie nights, dance classes, horseback riding, etc.
There’s a bit of turmoil at our church; the men who had been pastoring for the past few years have either all died or been transferred (local congregation does not have control over pastor assignments in the Methodist church) and we now have two new pastors. The lead is a charming older gentleman (voice twin of Dr. Lynn Ames, so it’s a bit eerie) who presents a lot of thoughtful sermons punctuated with a nervous chuckle(toastmasters could swoop in for a rescue training perhaps). The associate pastor is a granola type who is all about living in peace and harmony with each other and the earth and fellow animals. She’s very nice. Still, we realize that we’ve haven’t yet been able to make a solid connection to our fellow congregants (other than our Monday night group of folks our age) or the church ministries in the 5 years we’ve been attending. We don’t think it’s all on us. There’s something slightly broken about the church’s operations that’s not facilitating ministry and mission and get-involvedness. I couldn’t tell you exactly what’s wrong or how to fix it but we are thinking of moving on to another church home that isn’t broken in this way. So we’re going to try out Grace United Methodist (just down the road from us in the opposite direction of our current church) and see how we fit. We briefly considered attending the Manassas Presbyterian Church but they are so blatantly politically liberal it’s nauseating.
Our families are hanging in there. Jon’s family is doing well (as usual- they’re pretty put together and rarely have any major problems). My parents continue to decline in health and I find myself pulling away from them more as required to protect myself from their dysfunction.
I got to spend a few hours with my uncle Lucien while we were on layover in LA earlier this month and that was very pleasant. He’s nothing like my dad, despite being his younger brother. He shared some insights with me about my father that I found troubling. It seems my grandmother was *exactly* the same sort of parent as my father in terms of impossible standards and constant air of disapproval and disappointment. Hard to believe my father incorporated all of that into his parenting style when he had first hand experience of how awful it was to be treated that way. Uncle Lucien was exposed to that parenting as well, but rejected it. He would not grovel and self-abase to please his mother and perhaps the most interesting thing that came of it is that my grandmother was nicer to him than to my father. That makes me very sad for my father. It must have been hard to be ridiculed and jump through hoops to please and never be good enough while your brother who refused to play the game was lavished with praise and love. People act so strangely. I cannot find a way to explain my grandmother’s behavior toward her sons, nor my father’s behavior toward me. I’m just glad we decided not to have any children so that there is no danger of perpetuating the dysfunction.
I keep loosely in touch with most of my sisters and brothers (there are 8) and most of their lives are very different than mine. I wish those of them that don’t know God could find their way to a relationship to Christ and receive healing.
Our dogs are doing as well as could be expected. Jenna (13.5 years) is moving much slower these days and now can only walk as far as the mailbox before tiring and needing to come home and rest. Her arthritis is starting to hurt her more we think and we need to get her on pain meds from the doc soon. Julia (either 5 years or 6 years depending on whether you ask Jon or I) is really behaving better since Jon started running her 5k every morning. Guess she really needed the exercise to be happy and healthy.

My First 5k Race

2010-09-11T10:13:00.001-04:00

This morning my husband and I both ran our first 5k race together. (Technically he ran a race or two as a kid but that was a long time ago).

With regard to the c25k program, I am currently on week 6, able to run 2 miles with a 3 minute break in between, or able to run 1.75 miles straight through.

We got to the race location and I had a bit of anxiety that I wasn’t expecting. Before arriving, I just assumed it would be like any other run session; I didn’t know I was going to feel jittery and nervous about the race. I hadn’t seen anyone write about that before in the running communities (maybe it’s unique to me then?). The net effect was that my heart rate was up to 125bpm before I ever started running! (Normal resting hr is 74 for me). My second surprise was the pace at which everyone took off from the starting line. From reviewing previous year’s race results I *knew* I would not be the slowest in the pack, but when I started off with everyone else and saw my Garmin was reporting my start speed as an 8.5 min mile I panicked. I was already toward the back of the pack and I didn’t want to be last but i knew there was no way I could maintain that kind of pace. Not when my normal run pace is just under 13 min/mile. After a third of a mile I had to slow to near my normal pace and was relieved to see plenty of others had slowed down as well also.

As expected, I was not able to run the 3.10 miles straight through- there was some walking intervals involved. However my run times were faster than ever before, giving me an overall pace of a 12:47 min mile. I placed second in my age group (30-34 and, yes, there were actually more than 2 of us in the bracket) and although toward the back of the back for most of the race am relieved to say I wasn’t last in the race (probably about 6-8 people behind me).

Also it turns out that my first 5k was not actually a 5k but a 5k + .06 miles. Since it was organized by a church the theme was the 3:16 Freedom Run (as in John 3:16) and the actual distance was 3:16. This kinda screwed me up at the end b/c I launched into a sprint at the 3.05 mile mark at a pace of 7:30 min/mile. Would have been able to keep that up if the race had actually been a 5k, but with the surprise .06 at the end I had to slow back down. I nearly stopped and collapsed just before the end except that a good friend happened to be there (who is a teacher and coach by profession) and he came over and ran with me, cheering me on the last little bit. For this I was very grateful. My husband also ran beside me at the end too and that was awesome.

My husband performed spectacularly. He finished right around 23 minutes and placed first in his age bracket. He was in the top 10 finishers overall also. He is amazing and I am so proud of him!

Our next 5k is in October on halloween.